Twenty Thirteen

Yeay, a new entry! 

It's been a while. Been busy. Doing stuff. You know. Well, you don't know. Haha.

I'm elated with 2013, hence the update. Yepyep, 2013 is looking great! So far, it is. Huhu. Let's just hope that it gets better and better and even better.

So, what happened? It's only been 1 and a half months, right?

Let's start with my sister's wedding. My eldest sister, on the 25th of January 2013. It's something that I had been wishing for, for years. Even in my prayers, sometimes. Being the eldest, she has been sacrificing a lot for our family since father passed away in 1991. 

I prayed specially for it in Makkah. And when we went to Jabal Rahmah, I prayed for it too. Don't worry, I prayed for all of my friends as well, especially ones that were close to me at the time. 

So finally, it came true. My sister got married to someone she's in love with! Of course my wife and I helped her as much as possible for the wedding. I helped booked the catering, and also ordered the old-school ice creams (aiskrim potong) for dessert. Most importantly, we made her the most beautiful door gift (given the time and budget). We bought hundreds of jam jars in Puchong, washed them and decorated them. Thanks to my wife for the creative decoration! 

Everything went well, alhamdulillah!

So what else happened?

Let's go back to the week before the wedding. I finally got myself a camera! It's a white Nikon 1 V1! A present from my wife, how sweet of her. 

I've always wanted my own camera. I'm amazed by the fact that we can capture beauty. Almost magical. But the most important thing now, I want to take pictures of my beautiful wife and my future children. Children grow really fast, don't they? I don't have many pictures of myself when I was a child. And I'm the kind of guy who has a bad memory. I forget things. I don't remember much of my childhood. Therefore I'm gonna take lots of pictures of my kids as they grow up! 

I'm still trying to work out on how to produce a good picture. Somehow a DSLR seems a bit easier to handle.

Is that it? There's more, of course!

It happened a couple of days after the wedding. My wife did a pregnancy test and it turned out positive! I'm gonna be a father! Yeay!

She easily got tired the whole week before that. And a day before that, she said she wanted to eat some oranges. That alone triggered my brain to suspect something. She never did like oranges. Hmmmm....

And now she eats things that she previously disliked, e.g., cendol, bahulu, karipap, bubur lambuk...weird~

It's even weirder when she finds it hard to eat the thing that she loves most — Chicken! 

We went to scan for the baby a few days ago. It's truly a miracle looking at something so small in there with a heartbeat. What's more, it's a part of you, and a part of the one you love. There's nothing like it. Nothing.

My wife is having sickness day and night. I'm taking good care of her and the house as well. After all, I did that to her, right? Gotta take responsibility. Haha.

Alright, end of story......NOT!

One more important event! Happened on 17th of February 2013. Our first wedding anniversary! Time sure flies. It flies really fast. 

We didn't get to celebrate yet, though. She's still having pregnancy sickness. Difficult to eat. Can't travel far too. So we're postponing it to when she gets better, perhaps after the first trimester. We're gonna have a blast!

Happy anniversary, darling! Love you! Barakallahulana wabaraka'alaina wajama'a bainana fi khair.

That's all, I guess. Well, good things happen everyday if you wish to count them all, right? Alhamdulillah for everything that He had bestowed upon me and my family.

If I were to finish my thesis before June then that would be another awesome event happening in 2013. Hoping for the best, trying my best, and may Allah give me the best. For me and my family. May Allah bless you guys too.

At the Crossroad

I did once write about security issue when choosing a partner. The way I wrote it sounded immature, but I was being honest. After all, I was at my wits' end. 

Perhaps everybody had hoped that their first love to be their last. When i was younger, I hoped for that too. At that time, I totally thought it was it. So it ended, I was devastated. But after that, I saw a new light. A couple of lights, actually. I chose one. Again, I thought it was it, I was so sure she was the one. But when we arrived at a crossroad, I realized that she wasn't the one I dedicated this blog to. I met her at the same crossroad, my wife today. 

Faith and fate intertwined. A lot of faith, yet in the end there's only one true fate. You just don't know which faith will actually meet the one true fate. The knot is at the top. You just have to keep climbing. Some faith leads to false hopes. Some people keep climbing up, some chose to give up, let go, and free fall to the ground.

Coming back to security issue. I was right to include security issue when choosing a partner. I'm sort of like a family man, If I may call it that way. I treasure family and friends. I don't mind if my wife is earning higher salary than me. In fact, that could be a good thing. She can do anything she wants to do. I'd be the first to support her.

I simply need her to be by my side taking care of me and our family, get along with my family and friends, and be kind to everyone. That's all. Sounds really simple, but trust me, not everybody can make it happen. Light alone is not enough, I need air to breathe too.

My wife, she's doing it right. It wasn't easy for her. She sacrificed a couple of things. She took a great risk too. But I guess she had the faith. The faith to grab her fate in her own hands, making sure that it wasn't just another false hope for the both of us. Just like that, she conquered me whole. At the crossroad, she was an option, not a replacement. But after I made the choice, I never needed any other option. Because she's the answer to everything. 

Even to this day, she conquered me whole. 

Rest assured, dear. The sole key to my heart is with you. I can't let anybody in but you and only you.

A Woman And The Falling Rain

A woman, and the falling rain. Some of the reasons I'm still writing. Perhaps a jar of chocolate chip cookies too. If I am not carving those memories in here, I might have taken them for granted. When I'm writing, suddenly everything around me feels important, significant. Like I could sense their presence as though they are looking at me, talking to me. Even the broken TV seems staring at me. 

The weather is on my side lately. Not that I don't like sunshine. I definitely love the morning sun. I guess I just love cloudy days more. Rain is a blessing. The pouring rain is just so soothing. It gives off a unique mild scent, together with a calming rhythm as the droplets touch the earth. Music from heaven, I'd say. 

It's raining outside right now. My wife is cooking in the kitchen. Everything is perfect. A mug of hot chocolate is the only thing I would ask for right now. Alhamdulillah.  

Proofreading and Translation Services

I'm currently providing proofreading/editing and translation services, feel free to drop me an email at illuth@yahoo.com should you have any inquiry. I'm charging 5 cents per word for translation service, and RM 5-7 per page for proofreading service, depending on difficulty of the text. 

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Unless you are the spoiled son of your filthy rich daddy, I highly advise those who are going to ask for a woman's hand, to work part time months before that. If you don't want to do that, then please seriously tighten your belt. Or maybe you should apply both. There are tonnes of things that can help you generate extra cash. Even after you're married, you still need to have those extra money because sooner or later you'll be having extra members in your family.

The fastest way to get money is to rob a bank or sell drugs, but let's not venture into those ideas, shall we? Haha.

Well, I'd say the best way is to invest your money. Invest in properties, stock market, gold and silver, or invest in yourself to start your own business. But. Yes, there's a but and it's an important but.

But, you have to have money before you can start investing. Therefore you either have to save some or your monthly salary, or you work extra for that extra cash.

I've read somewhere in which the financial planner said that after marriage, you will have to suffer for at least 5 years before you can actually have your dreamworld. Work hard and tighten your belt for 5-7 years, insya Allah you'll have a solid financial security after that. I can't help but to agree with what he said, because I'm still coping with the repercussion from my marriage seven months ago, financially. Not that I didn't prepare for my marriage, it's just that I didn't prepare enough.

So what do I do now? Investing can wait. Now, I work extra hard, save extra money, and at the same time, try to finish my study.

Sometimes we're stuck in a job that we don't really enjoy doing. It's okay, we have 24 hours per day and 2 days off on the weekend. There's plenty of time for part time job. First of all, think of what you love doing. Then find a mentor or someone you can learn from on how to do it the right way. After that, just do it! As simple as that. 

As for me, I'm quite confident in my language proficiency, both Malay and English. I am fond of both languages even before I started school. Still remember mom teaching me at home while she's cooking. Haha. Never had a proficiency test on Malay, but as for English, I did score 5/6 on MUET and 8/9 on IELTS. Therefore recently I tried to do some proofreading and translation job. Proofreading is easy. Translation is a bit tricky, but so far I'm doing great! 

Keep Smiling For Me

At one moment, breathing felt really difficult. Like the world was caving in, and the sky was falling, the air was getting thinner and thinner. Yet in another moment, the world is a vast beautiful place, with lots of beautiful people, especially the person I see every morning *Love u!*. 

These are the tough times, trial times. Some might see it as God throwing bricks after bricks at you. But I look at them as gold and silver. Just dodge them well and pick them up later. Still the best gift ever, isn't it? 

I'm just afraid that those gold and silver might hit the one I need to protect, that's all. Hope I'm shielding her well. Yet sometimes she's shielding me instead. Silly girl. As if I could watch u bleed for me. Please stay quietly behind me and keep smiling. Your smile is my endorphin.

These difficult times, they shall pass. We'll be building a castle, made of gold and silver. Till then, keep smiling for me.

Babies Wanted!

Another week and it'll be 7 months since I tied the knot with the most beautiful woman in my eyes. I hardly have time to write since then. Not because I was busy being a good husband, even though I am a good husband, but because I didn't make the time to write. I'm still struggling with my Masters. But the truth is, time was mostly spent on unbeneficial entertainment which I find still hard to let go for the moment. Good thing that my wife is such a lovingly compromising person.

Every month since the knot we were hoping to conceive a beautiful baby. Well, our genes seems quite promising. The baby should turn out pretty good-looking, insya Allah. Haha (^_^) Our nieces and nephews looks cute and handsome. So I have some proofs to back up my words! We even have a couple of names ready. One for a boy and another one if she's a girl. Both are beautiful names inspired by beauty. And it was decided unanimously (^_^)

My wife really wants to bear her own child. She's been reading a lot on motherhood. She is a little bit afraid, but her heart is more than ready. I'm taking things easy. But it feels heavy for me to watch her at every end of her monthly cycle when it didn't happen. There's nothing I can do other than be next to her, hold her in my arms and look at her with loving eyes. Most of the times I would say,"We'll try again!" and I would whisper words of advice even though I know that she already knows them all well. I know that women don't need all those advice when they are down. But it's hard for me to keep silent when she's blankly staring at me like hoping I would save her from the despair. I feel really helpless for not being able to do anything.

A few years back, I really wanted to have my own children. I felt that children were so adorable at the time. There was a time a the traffic light when an adorable little girl waved back at me when I waved my hand at her. It was so adorable that I would die with no other regret. Back then I really wanted my own kids. The feeling slightly change after I got married. Feels like I'm not spending enough time with my wifey even though I'm with her almost 24/7. So I want to spend more time with her, just the two of us. But I'm not saying that I don't want kids. I'm saying it's fine either way. I'm happy with wife alone. And I'll also be happy with wife and adorable little kids. Perhaps whole lot happier (^_^)

My Kampung and Her Kampung

We went back to our kampung a couple of weeks ago, my wife and I. It's fasting month, so it's a dream of every son and daughter to break their fast with their parents. Especially when your parents are living alone. Besides, mothers make the best dishes in the whole world, don't they? My mother lives by herself, I actually wish that I could visit her every weekend. Luckily my little sister is on semester break for the whole month of Ramadhan. Ease my worries a lot. Alhamdulillah.

Normally we only went back for 2 days of weekend, but this time we went back for 5 days! 2 and a half day at my kampung, the other 2 and a half at her kampung. My kampung and her kampung is about an hour away by car. My kampung is in Kuala Terengganu while her kampung is in Dungun.

My mom just moved to a new house. A little smaller than before, but it should only be temporary. We are currently trying to build a house for her. The process is very tedious, it's taking a lot of time. But I kinda like this house compared to the previous one. There's more space around the house for air to blow in. Mom's little garden seems to like it here too. Neighbors are nice as well. There's always free food for breaking fast everyday! And it's near to Bazar Ramadhan.

Alhamdulillah my mom is perfectly healthy. Let me list down some of the dishes that she cooked (with the help of her daughter in law. huhu). We had kelantanese ayam percik, kuih belebat ubi, gerodok ubi (a type of kelantanese dessert), murtabak...hmm, what else? Huhu, she's a well known 5-star chef among my friends. There's more, but those are special ones. The good thing is my wife got to learn a bit on my mom's cooking (^_^)  During our stay, I also managed to help put on the colorful lights for Raya (Eid). Mom asked me to shift it a bit but I needed a tall ladder. Well, next time, mom. And as usual, the hunt for slugs at night. Damn slugs been eating mom's orchids! My mom have some really green fingers and she extra love orchids. So we hunted those slugs, tossed them into salt and let osmosis happen naturally :P

Well that's basically my kampung. Now let's talk about her kampung. I love her kampung! It's really like a kampung. My kampung is more like a suburb. Her kampung is more of the village type. The yard is big enough to build another 4-5 kampung houses. And they planted many trees, some are fruit trees. There were longan, coconuts, mangoes, tamarind etc. I got to drink young coconut water everyday (^_^) At the backyard they have several hammocks hanging between trees. Special place for afternoon (and also at night) get-together. They have lots of cats hanging around at the backyard. She loves cats. They also keep chickens for the eggs. More than 10, I think? All in all, I really had the feeling of staying at a kampung. My father-in-law even goes to the sea once in a while! We always get to eat fresh stock of fishes and squids! How cool is that?! That's what I love the most. And  mother-in-law loves to cook too! 

Even though we're still arguing about who's kampung we will be on our 1st day of Eid, I love her kampung as much as my kampung. Marriage is great, so far. Alhamdulillah (^_^)

Friends In Need Are Friend Indeed

Friends in trouble, so I helped. Well, everyone has their own trouble to deal with, don't they? I do, too. But I would still help in any way I can, even if it troubles me some times. Perhaps I've been reading too much manga. 

Now that I'm married, I think I should start thinking of her well-being. Sometimes helping a friend means jeopardizing her. It's hard not to lend a hand, but when I lend a hand to someone else, it's like I'm embracing her with only an arm. I may put her in harm.

When you're a little child, your parents are everything to you. When you're a youth, your friends are everything. When you're married, your family is everything. Those who are not yet married may not understand this. That's why, when you are planning to get married, find someone who can accept your parents, siblings, and friends.

A good friend of mine needed to borrow a sum of money a couple of months ago. We didn't have much money at that time, but I still wanted to help. It was pretty risky to lend out that much at that time because we needed that money for something else as well, but I'm so glad that my wife agreed to it. She's really like an angel in my eyes at that moment. I felt relieved to be able to help a friend in need. Besides, he promised to settle the debt at the end of the month.

Or so he said. We still didn't get the money back, even though we really need it now. But I still can't help thinking that he's also struggling to pay us back as soon as possible. I'm thinking that he is also in a desperate situation. I guess today is his day. Perhaps my day too will come sooner or later. May Allah have mercy on me. Besides, there's something about a bond between men that women may never understand. I hope my wife will just accept it. Haha. I'll just have to resort to something else to solve our impending problem. Time is running out.

Semoga Allah bukakan pintu rezeki kami dengan seluas-luasnya...

A Wish For You, Dear

All praises to The Almighty, for giving us everything we had, everything we have, and everything that we will have. Here I am, all grateful to Him for this life of mine. And am even more grateful for the life that He bestowed upon a person so dear to me 26 years ago. For she is now the greatest gift for me from Him. 

Happy 26th birthday, my love, my life, my dear wife. May Allah bless you in every second of your life.

I hope I am the greatest gift for you. I love you.

Sweating!

It felt good to finally get my lazy ass off the bed in the early morning, went out for the fresh morning air, and worked up a good sweat! But it's KL. The air isn't as fresh as in my hometown, Kuala Terengganu. 

For such a long time, I finally started jogging again. Oh wait, when did I ever jog regularly? Haha. Nevertheless, sweating felt good! I hope it would reduce my chances of having ulcers in my mouth. I often have ulcers in my mouth. It comes out everywhere, on my lips, tongue, cheek, gums. Right now I have a big one on my upper lip. Not a month passed by without an ulcer. And it really ruins my dining experience. My wife is one helluva cook, I'm telling you! 

So I have this one theory. Due to lack of exercise and sweating, my body has become acidic and toxic, and perhaps contains lots of negative charges. Hence the ulcers keep visiting. 

But after jogging today, I had these rashes arms, belly and torso. Kinda itchy too. Some on my back too. Goggled it and found something about Exercise urticaria. Thank god it's harmless. It felt better after an hour or so. I hope it doesn't keep coming whenever I exercises. I don't remember having it before, so I hope it won't come next time! I wanna jog again tomorrow! (if my bed allows me to :P)

History

We learn histories in schools. We read about histories. Many were amazed by various historical figures, what they did, the sequences of events, and what their impacts to our nation as well as the whole world. Little do we realize that as I'm writing this, and as you are reading this, histories are made somewhere. Perhaps not so far from you. Many years from now, our children, our children's children might be reading about what we today regard as unimportant, a waste of time, or even rubbish.

Tok Janggut is a hero today, but back then he was labelled as a rebel, a terrorist. Even the Malay stooges who were working with the British also opposed Tok Janggut. Perhaps it's because they thought it's the right thing to do. It might also be that it's the only way they know how to feed their family. It's hard to blame the policemen and the armies. They are too loyal to the person in charge of them. 

Winners write histories. Luckily, internet is available to all today. So the one who lost in a war can also share his side of the story. But what every child will learn in school are still going to be histories narrated by the winners. Not that they are bad. Perhaps everything written is the truth. But, do you think the whole story will be told? Certainly some parts will be missing. Only when the winner loses then the untold stories will be told.

People fight for what they think is right. Whether they are truly right or not, future history books will help us decide. But histories are made as we speak. In the past, I did several things to make my own history, to fill in my own history book. It's solely for me. What if my country is undergoing a historical change today? In the future, I would ask myself, "Where was I when this happened? Why was I not part of them who changed this nation?". It may be, or may not be written in a history book, one day. What if it will be? And what if my grandchild ask me,"Grandpa, where were you when this happened?" It would be so not cool to answer,"Err...Grandpa was at home watching TV." 

I want to tell stories to my grandchildren. I want to be part of the history that creates their future. 

Cozy Home

It's only been 2 months since we started living together in our new home. Rented house. Still, feels really homey for me. For her too, I'm sure. Of course she misses her parents. Me? I'm worried a lot about my mother living alone on the other side of Peninsular. Hope I can go back more often. 

It was only 6 weeks before our parents decided on our marriage. Alhamdulillah, everything went well. It wasn't really our dream wedding, but we couldn't be grateful enough to finally be married. So during those 6 weeks, we were frantically searching for a house to rent. At first we thought we would just kept staying where we were at that time - with our friends - but what the hell, what's the point of getting married if we're not living together? Right?

We finally got hold of this house. Got the keys right after we got back from our honeymoon (I leave this honeymoon topic to my dear wife, k!). We got back on Thursday, got the keys on Friday, cleaned up the house on the weekend, and it's our home sweet home ever since! Quite a decent house, I'd say. I don't know which category it falls...Apartment? Shophouse? 3-4 storeys with shoplots downstairs. 

The old tenants left their TV and fridge. Sweet! The TV is working alright but the fridge never got cold. Haha. So we bought another one. A couple can't live without a fridge! Seemed like the house were meant to be rented out for students since there were only single beds and working desks, but we made good use of those. We combined 2 single beds and I bought a new queen-size mattress. So it's practically a queen bed now. Oh, did I mention I bought a new sofa as well? I'm writing this piece on our sofa right now ;)

And all the wedding gifts we received really helped in making our house a home. Thank you very much! (^_^)

A New Bloom Inspiration

Most people think that when you have a good English, you can write whatever, whenever you want to. And people around me think that I have a good command of English. When compared with average Malaysian, honestly it's only just a little tiny slightly bit above average. It still can't be considered good. I hate reading novels coz i can hardly understand what they are saying. It's too difficult for me. That's why I love reading manga. Mangas use simpler language, and they have pictures! It's fun to read~

Despite my level of English, I do feel that once in while I came out with a great piece. I do feel that what I wrote somehow touched the hearts of a few readers. In the past, negativity inspires me the most when it comes to writing. Like the lava of an erupting volcano, the sadness and the unsettling heart bring out the very core of emotion, the utmost sincerity. I was called to put those emotion on this white sheet in hoping that the uneasiness would flow, away from me.

Having said that, it's really difficult to write a really good piece when my heart is in good hands.

I am truly happy and comfortable with my life that now everything else seems irrelevant. Facebook, socializing, gaming, and blogging as well. The only thing I'm still dearly holding on to is reading Manga. I thought I need not to express my feelings much since I now have a wife that I can talk to. Even when I'm having a bad day, she's all that I need. When I'm happy, I only need to share it with her. And when I'm in love, who do you think I'm in love with? And I thought that I'm already being a wonderful husband to her. Well I thought wrong. Suffice to say, women are complex creations. They hunger for verbal expressions. They feed on words. The sweeter, the better. (I meant this in a good way :P )

So my dearest wife, be patient. I'm not sure how well I can write in this happiness you're embracing me with. Part of me is afraid. Part of me has doubt. Part of me is embarrassed. But your wish will be granted. For you are now, my new bloom inspiration.

My View On Politics

To whom do I owe this pleasure of writing? My wife, sincerely.

I've always loved to talk about politics, and about business. Never mastered both, but simply loves to know. No, not theories in books. But the reality. The past, the current, and the future.

My family has a little political background. Thus explains my awareness and interest. We are always concerned about what's going on with the government and also the opposition. Some consider politics as rotten, and thus should be ignored. They say, politicians are bunch of hypocrites. All politicians are bad people who only think of themselves when they are in power, be it the government or the opposition. Hence voting for any of them is a waste of effort.

What do I think? I think to vote is an obligation. If I understand my belief correctly, one of the things that Islam emphasizes is leadership. The rise and fall of everything depends on leadership. Yes, including marriage. It's an art. The art of governing. So it doesn't mean that when the authoritative power is in your hand, you have the right to abuse others. In fact, that power is actually a heavy burden. Power is proportional to responsibility. Abu Bakar did not want to be the first Caliph, he didn't fight for it, because he knew that the responsibility is massive. Yet he never forgot his responsibility. God bless him. As time went by, people started to seize power alone without taking in the responsibilities attached to it. Hence the falls of Ummayad and Abbasid Dynasty. The fall of Islam. And today, with great power, comes great wealth. That's how it rolls.

My mother once told me that my late father used to say that politicians are hypocrites. But we still have our stand. For us, it's simple. No one is perfect. Even IF they are all hypocrites, you can still evaluate them as bad or better. By not voting, the bad ones would have higher chances to seize power. And later if they do bad things when they are in power, the sin is partly yours to shoulder. Not to mention when you vote for the bad wolves. Which one is bad, and which one is better? Or perhaps which one is good? You have to seek for it yourself. Evaluate both sides. Stop being narrow-minded. Expand your view. Think, and think, and think. May Allah guide you.

Together Now

The hectic preparation days have past. The ceremonies were held modestly. It's been a month. Honeymoon in Thailand was memorable. Koh Lanta-Phuket-Ao Nang. Coming back to reality was dreadful. But we looked forward to living together. And it's a whole new experience. 

I hoped I could boast about how happy I am being married, but as my fingers touched the keyboard, I couldn't. I supposed there are bigger things in marriage. Being married is a huge responsibility. She used to be her father's responsibility. Now the weight is on my shoulders. Her every sin is mine to carry. Sometimes it comes to me, the doubt. Of whether or not I can provide for her, taking good care of her well being. But in the end I always believe that these hands of mine are capable of trying their best to give her the world. And of course, Allah is our Protector, and He is also The Giver. I rest assured.

We heard people saying how so look-alike we are, how there's chemistry between us that love clouds are floating above our heads. Several cases of us being mistaken as siblings. It wasn't just a chemistry created by simply mixing two reactive chemicals. Meaning that, it wasn't love at first sight. The first time we met, she was just another girl to me and I was an insignificant boy to her. There are series of events that made us fall for each other, but let the story be untold. 

We have tonnes of differences. Understanding them and making up for it helps a lot in building a relationship, especially after living together. We share lots of similarities too, but they're not the reason we ended up together. Honestly, the reason we're together is actually unknown. The more I'm with her, the more comfortable I feel. I guess she feels the same. Maybe that's the main reason? Of course, I believe fate has something to do with it as well.

Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to this new big adventure. May Allah guide us with His blessing.

A couple of days before our wedding day...

A couple of days before our wedding day...

From me:

"A couple of things went wrong today. But at the end of the day, nothing changed. I'm still in love with you, crazy about you, craving more of you, lusting over you. I hope you would put your trust in me a bit more, let your heart be at ease and accept me wholeheartedly . Insya Allah, I will not take you for granted. And I'll treasure you all my life. Only you in my life. Only me and you. Love you."

 From her:

"Thank you...Thank you...Thank you for such sweet words. I will give you my everything while embracing you as my husband this Friday. I love you, crazy over you too! Can't wait to have you, I love you so much. Have a good rest tonight, sure will be busy tomorrow, send me a message if you need me, k. Nyte syg..."

At The Early Stage

The clock is ticking, my heart is jumping. Of excitement, not anxiety. All in all, I'm pretty much at ease. Well, it's not like I'm going to give an oral presentation on biodegradation of some industrial waste in front of intimidating professors. I'm marrying the woman that I love, being ecstatic is most fitting! Right?

It didn't come by easily. At the early stage of our relationship, we faced some hardships. Both of us had someone. She was labeled as a boyfriend-stealer. And me, girlfriend-stealer.

All is fair in love and war. A famous quote. But it didn't justify our decision to leave and start anew. When you go to war, you bound to destroy other people's possessions. Doesn't sounds fair to me. In terms of love between humans, there's no issue whether it's fair or not. Nobody owns anybody. I am nobody's possession. And her? She's not married yet. At most she is her parents' possession. A so-called friend of mine even suggested I should go and ask her ex's permission to steal his girlfriend, with a few punches on my face as payment. Seriously?! Well, there were no fist-fighting happening, only a lot of threatening in the first few months. That's another story some other day.

Some said what we did was wrong. Some said there will be karma. Something like "She'll do the same to you", or "She might leave you like how she left her ex". I didn't really care. Correction, I never cared. We had our situations. We thought things through thoroughly before coming up with our decisions. Not a slightest regret. Not ever, insya Allah. For those who listened to one-sided story and condemned us for it, may Allah bless you. I hold no grudge.

Anyway, many did not understand. I wasn't bothered by consequences or karma or any sort of uncertain future. Because nobody knows about what's in stored for me in the future. Hell they didn't even sure about their own future. It's just that people like to believe so. And people like to gossip. What I believe in is different than their beliefs. I'm sure she's the best lover for me. But I don't mind if in the end things went wrong in the future. I don't mind if she's fated to leave me one day. It'll be very very sad, but I have to accept. It's beyond my control. All I know is, I only have absolute control over myself. Therefore, my part is to love her and I'll keep doing so as best as I can. Loving me is her part, and I can't force her to do it though I'm sure she'll also give her all. Until the end of everything, whether by death or by any circumstances, I will treasure her everyday. 

Of course, most friends and family supported us being together. Countless times I've heard that we look great together, there's chemistry between us, our faces look very much alike and thus our fate is strong. Feels good to believe so. Nevertheless, you can't just count on looks alone. What makes things real is effort. 

The Day

Two years ago today I declared my love to you. There were many uncertainties on that day, not knowing how you really felt, how our past might come back and haunt us, how we would end up in the end. I took that necessary step, and so did you. I'm really glad we did. We might have our doubt sometimes. But guided by the heart and soul, we always move forward, always trying to get closer to each other. And soon, soon my lips will reach yours. February 17th, insya Allah. May He ease our path towards that day, and the day beyond that.

Keep On Dreaming

We all have crazy ideas, dreams and fantasies. Yet most of us usually keep them to ourselves to the grave. Majority think that their dreams are too impossible, absolutely unattainable. Stop for a moment and look around. We fail to realize that most things around us were made of dreams and unrealistic ideas. Even something as simple as a chair has its own revolutionary history. And today we have all kinds and colors of chairs, not to mention weirdest looking ones. True?

Do you happen to know this guy that goes by the name Richard Branson? Sir Richard Branson, to be exact. Oh, I love that honorific title. Wish I'd be able to meet the Queen one day and be knighted, though I think that would be impossible for non British nationals. Dreams. Haha. Back to Sir Richard Branson. He started with a simple magazine and now he owns a freaking spaceport! Mind you, it's not an airport. I repeat, a spaceport. For commercial purpose! That guy is crazy. And visionary too, I can't deny that. He seeks and sees opportunity one after another. Did I mention that he owns an island?! That's how I first came to know him. His island is my dream vacation.

We dream a lot when we were younger. It goes less and less as we grow older. Like a bell-shaped graph. Perhaps we think that those dreams are not achievable, thus our conservative adult mind makes it stop. A pity, isn't it? By doing so, we are subconsciously limiting our self potential, forever living inside a small box. This world is huge, there's a lot to explore and be amazed of. I want to taste things, go places, excite my feelings in so many different ways, like the feeling when I first saw the Kaabah. Truly beyond words. Like there's another soul caged in your heart since forever that you don't even realize that he's there, and he's finally being set free, making you feel truly alive. Like I could feel the droplets of air that I breathed in, and I could sense the particles of light that touched my skin. Like every single cell of your body has a life of its own. I want to taste that once more. I want to have such feeling over and over again.

I have more dreams today than what I had years ago. I want to keep having new dreams. And of course, I will try my best to achieve them.

A Messenger Bag With New Year's Resolutions

I got a fine-looking messenger bag for my birthday! It's from my soon-to-be wife. I actually need a bag to get organized in what I'm working on right now. Now I can be both organized and stylish! How thoughtful of her. The more reason for me to marry her, isn't it? *wink wink*

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I climbed a rambutan tree 2 weeks ago. It felt good. Kinda like a small adventure. Or more like a teeny weeny adventure. I've been craving for some adrenalin rush with a lot of sweating. But I don't have much time to leisure around these days. A lot need to be done. My new year's resolutions are to get married, buy a Passat, and take my parents to one memorable holiday. And of course, to finish my Masters in between those. I'm 27 this year. Going to be 28 next year. There's less time to waste.

I've been thinking a lot lately. What do I have right now? What have I achieved? What have I given to my parent? Nothing. Nothing. And nothing. I'm not married yet. I don't even own a car yet, let alone a property. I can only give a few hundreds a month to my mother. I don't even have much savings. Less than 10k. Even if everything else does not matter, at least I want to be a better son. I'm sorry, but those who feels that they are already doing enough for their parents and so they are not trying to do any better, are pathetic. If they're gone tomorrow, I'm sure you'll have lots of regrets.

Despite my failures, I'm still glad. I'm glad that I'm no longer sitting on my cozy couch. Sometimes you don't realize that you need to change. You are too absorbed with your current surrounding. You think you are comfortable and secure, but it's just a matter of time till you realize that termites are digging their ways under that cozy velvety couch. I got up and look for a better couch. Because I know I deserve more, I deserve better. Until you got your wake-up slap in the face, you may never will realize it.

Working hard to earn extra money on your own is not such a bad thing. In fact, it feels good. The excitement, the satisfaction are beyond words. Especially when you are working together with the people you trust and love. Thank you, friends and family.