Friendship: Part 1

Several times I heard friends sighed on their friendships with their friends. Some due to backstabbing. Some because their friends weren’t there when they needed them. Some just crumbled inevitably by time.

There was one laughable memory when I was in standard 2. I had this really best friend. He’s a Chinese but he was so Malay by his speech. Freakishly fluent. On top of that, he totally looked malay himself. But really, he’s Chinese. So this best friend of mine had an ‘enemy’. And this ‘enemy' was also in the same class as us. As a best friend, you’re not supposed to be a friend to the ‘enemy’ of your best friend! Or so, people say. Well I sort of crossed that line. But as far as I remember, I didn’t try to befriend the ‘enemy’. I just didn’t reject his friendship when he came to me.

It was against my principle. Not that I have any principle at that time, since I was just a little Lutfi. Well you can say it’s a subconscious thing. Being true to the truth, not affected by the lies or the words of the crowds, especially ones with unfounded hatred. In simple words, I just don’t pick sides. Not without a concrete reason. Not back then, and not today. If you ask me to hate someone simply because you hate him, sorry I could not go with that flow.

So I was casted out by my best friend for being a little friendly with the so-called enemy. He totally ignored me. Seemed like I kind of backstabbed him? Though that was entirely not the case from where I stood. I never regretted my action. I did not do wrong.

That situation stayed stagnant for a few weeks, until one day we had this dental check-up at school. During class, I was called back to see the dentist again. So they thought they need to pull out one of my teeth. Darn it. I came back to class with a pale face, and with bloody cottons stuffed in my numb mouth.

The teacher was teaching. As I sat down on my chair, I heard a familiar voice calling my name in whisper. I turned around, and finally for the first time after weeks of not-talking, "Are you ok? Does it hurt?" my best friend asked.

I was down with fever the next day (Wonder where the dentist got her degree, her work got no elegance in it at all. I was such a cute kid, not some troll monster for crying out loud! Huh!). The good news is, after that day, me and my best friend became best buddies once again. But not for long. I jumped into another class the next year. I hardly ever saw him after that. Guess who became his best friend after that? The 'enemy'.

Kids. Haha. Funny, huh?

Peek-a-Boo

I've been wanting to write regularly, like at least once a week. I thought changing the layout of this blog would bring me closer to doing that. A fresh start, people say. But apparently, it all comes down to the heart's desire and security.

Having people reading this journal seems to give me some sort of insecurity. Then you might say i am stupid to write things here where everybody can access, and I might better off buy an actual diary which I can keep under my pillow. To the latter, my respond would be I have a bad handwriting. Honestly. And of course, there would be no 'backspace' button.

It's just a few hearts that I wish not to accidentally hurt. Or also perhaps, things that I hope not be known by some. Yet I do not wish to filter my visitors. It's been more than half a year, I guess the time itself filtered a lot of unwanted things for me.

I like writing things down here. It just feels different. When I write, I always imagine my kids reading them. Every line is a perfect line, so i think. I pour my heart in every sentence for them. That's why I take my time when I write something.

And when the heart is insecure, the desire cannot be fulfilled.

It's in good hands now. So I would like to try to write again.

A New Air

It tastes like strawberry, whatever it is.

It was all dark and gloomy before. I guess now it's the best time to change, to move on to the greener field on the other side and see my world from a brighter view. Well, in this case it's not a field and it's not green. They are red strawberries :P Doesn't matter. My point is, for the very first time, this blog has a bright and vibrant template! Looking at it makes me feels bubbly~ (^_^)

Regardless of everything in the past and what awaits me in the future. Regardless of what's troubling me today. I will shine brightly.

Change has never been my enemy. In fact, it's always welcomed. Trying, changing, and trying to change. Those are some of the fun things in life (^_^)

I Owe You But You Don't Own Me

Women are objects. True?
Not? Then, men are objects. True?

How about I put it this way - You can own a non-blood-related person without having to marry them. Yeah, since we are objects, we can be tossed around, we can be bought and we can be traded. We can be owned with just money and effort. Hey, how about I pay you $10000 for you to be my property? Or even better, hey you poor lil orphan girl uncle will love you and take good care of you, but when you turn 18 10 years from now you must marry this kind and loving uncle of yours who is then almost reaches 50.

Is that how things are? I owe you so you own me? Sick.

What rights do we have to claim a person as our personal property?

And what rights do we have to stop her from leaving our side? No matter how much love we have poured onto her, no matter how much effort we put in for her, no matter how much money and time we have spent for her, what rights do we have??

Sometimes people talk about rights and justice on behalf of others, even when they only know half the story. Hey u killed a kind-hearted and pious person, that's bad, sinful and totally immoral!~ (I don't care how it happened and I don't care what your reason was, you are deemed guilty!) You see, we like to judge and prejudge, and make assumptions too, on top of that. And of course, if the dead guy looks like a nice person on the surface, he is without a doubt the victim.

Alright, those above are extreme analogies. But what about in delicate issues such as love..?

How much does a heart worth? How much do you have to pay to own a person's heart? I don't think you can. It can't be bought, nor can it be traded. We can try putting in our very best effort, but a heart resonates with another heart when it feels like it. God knows how. You can't force a heart to move with money and effort. You can't force love.

Hey, I did all those things for you, you are supposed to give me your heart in return.

Yeah I probably should...but my heart doesn't resonates for yours...Do I still have to give you my heart..? Do I just ignore what it wants and give it to you anyway? For what you have done for me on your own accord and personal expectation, do I sell my own happiness?

Happiness

1st of January officially marked the 3rd effort in reaching for something I would like to call happiness. That one thing that sparkles like a diamond. And like a diamond it is, price had to be paid. No African blood was spilled, but hearts were hurt, and the cuts were deep. I hope they will all heal...

I wish I have the remedy. There is no magical potion to heal a broken heart. Is there?

I never meant to hurt you, or you, or you, and you. And especially you. My heart never felt so wretched, never so guilty.

I failed miserably in my 1st effort. Looking back now, I was just a kid trying to get a hold of that priceless diamond. Maybe it was not my time to have it yet. Came the 2nd gave me hope, with a warm and cozy feeling too. Flowers bloomed at the tip of my touch. The sky was always blue everytime i looked up above.

Under the bright blue sky, it was already sparkling in my hand, that sweet diamond. Love and be loved. This is it, I thought. And that's when reality snatched it away from me and stabbed me in the heart. I walked this earth with a knife in my chest. With love and lust I eased my pain. With hope and faith I sealed my wound. She will save me. Her hands will pull the knife off my chest and stop the love from bleeding out. Like an innocent child, I waited for her to save me. Sincerely. Devotedly.


.........



I saw a pair of hands.

Yet, they were not hers.

God, is this how it supposed to be...?

Love of My Life

Still can't write anything serious. *sigh~*

I have a few entries I wrote a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, they are in my old desktop PC which hasn't been operating for more than a year now. I love my PC. Sacrificed a lot to get it. Took only a meal a day for one whole semester, and drank only plain water. The flat screen monitor alone worth RM400+ back then. It's not LCD screen, though. Got free (but old) casing from a friend, saved about 100 ringgit. Doesn't look so bad, apart from one side of the panel wasn't there so it's pretty much bare on one side. Well, that makes it even cooler, literally and technically. Hoho. Gamers started using AMD processor back then. So I followed suit. I was quite a gamer. All in all, I spent about RM2000+ on her. Totally worth every cent! She's the love of my life~ Sometimes I spent all night being together with her. Dunno what I'd do without her~ She's my everything back then.

Oh, but now I have a lappy. So much for true love, huh?

Catching Up With Myself

Ahh, it's good to be writing again~ it's like meeting up with your long lost buddies. It'll take you a while to catch up, but it just feels great to be talking to them again. I don't read much. Novels, especially, nah ah ah. Some says you can't write if you don't read. I don't entirely deny that. Still, it doesn't make me wanna read novels. Haha. You can write if you don't read, but you can write way better if you read.

I want to write something serious. But I'm too sleepy and tired. I don't know why I'm tired. I'm just tired. I am physically tired. I'm not tired of anybody, so please don't try to impose any speculation ayte~ huhu

Wish I have 48 hours a day!! So that I could still work for 8 long hours yet I would still have 40 hours left to rest, play and do everything else. Stop procrastinating, I say that to myself all the time. Yet I always end up procrastinating in trying to stop procrastinating.

Please, I need a PA to sort everything out~ Well, big shots always have PAs and secretaries, don't they? I might just be one too, someday.

No Title

Sadness brings out the darkest side of you. The dark sides which a shattered heart could not contain. This heart of mine is always blanketed with a soft purple velvet. I am better now. Better than yesterday, at least. I am surrounded by mature and wise friends. Thanks guys!

Hearts twisted. Tears wasted. Souls...died. I am sorry that a few persons have to hurt for the path I chose. Yet our bodies keep walking this earth, searching for salvation and guidance, trying to mend our hearts with every bit of consolation. From friends, families, and even strangers, whomever lends their ears and shoulders.

My heart too was torn, but it never said I'm wrong. Lovers cried, but things never felt this right. I had my doubt, I drowned deep in thoughts. Words spoken and my eyes are open. What's done is done and I never wish for it to be undone. This is not a dream, nobody is lying. They are not lies. The fact is, this is life.

I may not be in my best state of mind to tell this, but don't lose to those bad whisperers...