This is...another secret in my life. Some may have realized this, but nobody really knows the story, the reason behind it. No one knows, and yet, i'm revealing it here.
To anyone who knows me long enough to feel hurt, angry or simply annoyed with my attitude, I am sincerely asking for apologies, for the years of acting, for my hesitation to grab your friendship, for not being a good friend, and especially for not being myself.
The so-called 'lengai' Lutfi...haha...hmm...laughable, but also sad...
I didn't remember when it began. Since secondary school perhaps.
I locked myself and throw away the key.
It began when I had a slight idea of what love was. It was an instinct, but somehow turned into something I held on for a very long time.
My instinct said: love is troublesome, so Lutfi, stay away from it. Do not go anywhere near it. In other words, girls are troublesome, so Lutfi, stay away from them. Do not be too close to them. Always said that to myself.
Remember the song 'Siapalah Aku' by Amy Mastura? It was some sort of like the chorus of that song. "Biarlah, usahlah bermain dengan api, kelaknya terbakar sendiri..." I do love to play with fire, but not this 'fire'.
As a result, I limited my movements as well as my feelings.
I can actually be very good with people. The guys would know this. The girls, only some. Perhaps. Coz i don't limit myself in cyber space, as I don't think things would go far in cyber space. (haha, i was wrong, so wrong that i can even hear the wrong-buzzer! and u can see the word 'WRONG!' stamped red on my forehead :p)
I had tried to stay as low as possible, not wanting to be noticed. Heck, it didn't work very well. I couldn't figure out why. I've been appointed as this and that ever since high school. The problem is, I couldn't reject if I was given the trust. Luckily I failed the prefect interview. Really glad I failed (^_^)v
With guys, i am myself. With girls, I purposedly put on my costume. A cold-heartless-no-feeling-paying-no-heed-to-anything Martian costume. That's why some girls labeled me as 'lengai' (i dunno what's the word in english :p)
I had been living like that for a very long time. Never got myself too close to the girls around me. Didn't let them get too close to me either. Some of them knocked, so I opened the window for them as they offered friendship. A friendship will never be betrayed, that's my word.
However, my costume are only worn in the real world. I let myself be my own self in cyber space, through the microsoft windows. I picked up a few good friends. Even got myself a little sister who I really adored. Who I really used to adore *sigh*. And not to mention, love.
Still, on the net or in reality, I never approached anyone. Never let myself liked anyone too much. Never let anyone had the idea to fall in love with me. And of course, never let myself fell in love with any girl. Tak pernah mengharap apa-apa pun. I was being very very cautious.
I don't mean that the girls around me in reality are unattractive. In fact, in my x-high school or now in UIA, they do have the qualities. UIA are full with great girls - religion, looks, personalities, nice family backgrounds, they have em all. I was like surrounded by enemies. Haha. Weird thinking eh?
Until one day, a girl, someone I met during my school years, after years of hanging around my little window, found the key that i've thrown away ages ago. She bravely opened the door, held my hand, and walked me out. Even though I've never been outside, I somehow feel very safe now. She's like a covenant. She's like my guardian angel. I don't have to be afraid anymore. Whatever i do, i know exactly where i am standing. I will not get lost. And I shall never betray my covenant. For that is my word as a man, a man to that girl who opened the door, who is now a special woman in my life.
So now, I am exploring the world, getting closer to the people who came to visit me at my window. More importantly, i can, and in fact I am now, free and happy to offer my friendship to each and every people i meet, even to the people who I used to see only from afar, from my little window.
