Loved This Much.

Never have I been loved this much. Nor have I ever loved this much. It's not just the feeling of love. It's the feeling of being appreciated for every gesture. Being cared for in every move. The empathy, the sharing of emotions. When she's happy, I'm on cloud 9. And I'm down when she's feeling low. The tolerance, and the mutual respect shown between us. Giving and taking, yet giving with no intention of gaining anything in return. Such sincerity. Emotions that are too complex to describe, yet it makes you feel at ease. They are pieces that makes up a solid relationship, and they are the things that I've been searching for.

The urge to get married is getting stronger. I thank Allah for making us a path. I finally got engaged on the 3rd day of Eid 1432H. A small path, but it will lead to a bigger road, insya Allah. Please, save all the advice and simply pray for us. Yes, engagement is not a license for us to do as we please. We know that perfectly well. But at the junction where we're standing now, this is the best we can achieve so far. Our aim has always been marriage. There's nothing we want more than marriage. And we are waiting patiently for the light to turn green. May Allah give us guidance.

I Owe You But You Don't Own Me

Women are objects. True?
Not? Then, men are objects. True?

How about I put it this way - You can own a non-blood-related person without having to marry them. Yeah, since we are objects, we can be tossed around, we can be bought and we can be traded. We can be owned with just money and effort. Hey, how about I pay you $10000 for you to be my property? Or even better, hey you poor lil orphan girl uncle will love you and take good care of you, but when you turn 18 10 years from now you must marry this kind and loving uncle of yours who is then almost reaches 50.

Is that how things are? I owe you so you own me? Sick.

What rights do we have to claim a person as our personal property?

And what rights do we have to stop her from leaving our side? No matter how much love we have poured onto her, no matter how much effort we put in for her, no matter how much money and time we have spent for her, what rights do we have??

Sometimes people talk about rights and justice on behalf of others, even when they only know half the story. Hey u killed a kind-hearted and pious person, that's bad, sinful and totally immoral!~ (I don't care how it happened and I don't care what your reason was, you are deemed guilty!) You see, we like to judge and prejudge, and make assumptions too, on top of that. And of course, if the dead guy looks like a nice person on the surface, he is without a doubt the victim.

Alright, those above are extreme analogies. But what about in delicate issues such as love..?

How much does a heart worth? How much do you have to pay to own a person's heart? I don't think you can. It can't be bought, nor can it be traded. We can try putting in our very best effort, but a heart resonates with another heart when it feels like it. God knows how. You can't force a heart to move with money and effort. You can't force love.

Hey, I did all those things for you, you are supposed to give me your heart in return.

Yeah I probably should...but my heart doesn't resonates for yours...Do I still have to give you my heart..? Do I just ignore what it wants and give it to you anyway? For what you have done for me on your own accord and personal expectation, do I sell my own happiness?

Happiness

1st of January officially marked the 3rd effort in reaching for something I would like to call happiness. That one thing that sparkles like a diamond. And like a diamond it is, price had to be paid. No African blood was spilled, but hearts were hurt, and the cuts were deep. I hope they will all heal...

I wish I have the remedy. There is no magical potion to heal a broken heart. Is there?

I never meant to hurt you, or you, or you, and you. And especially you. My heart never felt so wretched, never so guilty.

I failed miserably in my 1st effort. Looking back now, I was just a kid trying to get a hold of that priceless diamond. Maybe it was not my time to have it yet. Came the 2nd gave me hope, with a warm and cozy feeling too. Flowers bloomed at the tip of my touch. The sky was always blue everytime i looked up above.

Under the bright blue sky, it was already sparkling in my hand, that sweet diamond. Love and be loved. This is it, I thought. And that's when reality snatched it away from me and stabbed me in the heart. I walked this earth with a knife in my chest. With love and lust I eased my pain. With hope and faith I sealed my wound. She will save me. Her hands will pull the knife off my chest and stop the love from bleeding out. Like an innocent child, I waited for her to save me. Sincerely. Devotedly.


.........



I saw a pair of hands.

Yet, they were not hers.

God, is this how it supposed to be...?

No Title

Sadness brings out the darkest side of you. The dark sides which a shattered heart could not contain. This heart of mine is always blanketed with a soft purple velvet. I am better now. Better than yesterday, at least. I am surrounded by mature and wise friends. Thanks guys!

Hearts twisted. Tears wasted. Souls...died. I am sorry that a few persons have to hurt for the path I chose. Yet our bodies keep walking this earth, searching for salvation and guidance, trying to mend our hearts with every bit of consolation. From friends, families, and even strangers, whomever lends their ears and shoulders.

My heart too was torn, but it never said I'm wrong. Lovers cried, but things never felt this right. I had my doubt, I drowned deep in thoughts. Words spoken and my eyes are open. What's done is done and I never wish for it to be undone. This is not a dream, nobody is lying. They are not lies. The fact is, this is life.

I may not be in my best state of mind to tell this, but don't lose to those bad whisperers...

Breathing Out The Guilt

I've been sighing a lot these past few days. *sigh~* Okay, that's me sighing, again. *sigh~* And again. *sigh~* Darn it. *sigh~* Arghhh!

It is beyond my senses...Beyond my control. That cold air of guilty feeling flows in together with my every breath...diffuses into my heart...dispersed to every inch of my body by the rythm of my heartbeat...

I just got to breathe it out...I have to breathe it out. But I can't breathe it all out...I can never breathe it all out. It already resides in me...In my blood. The feeling flows with the blood...leaving remnants of guilt wherever the blood penetrates...

What do I do now..? Time will heal us all, I know. Guess all I can do is keep trying to breathe it out...bit by bit...till time heal us all...

Security

Why do we get married? Because of love? If my life is all the same after marriage, isn't it pointless to get married? It doesn't make any difference, except for my status - married, instead of single.

Do guys want security? Hmm...a girl asked me to marry her, yet I couldn't find security in the future she's giving me. I might be in another part of the world for the next few years. And she might choose to be in another part of the world for the next few years. Her family is in another part of the world. And my family is in another part of the world. And she'll be working in yet another part of the world. I couldn't find the connection. I couldn't find the things that connects her to me. Simply love? I couldn't find the things that can be changed or improved through our marriage.

I am a muslim. To me, the love between 2 persons actually does not involves only that 2 persons. When we are married to someone, we are married to her family, her relatives, her friends, and even her pet. We are married to her whole life. I know, we can't please everybody. But do consider the important people in her life. Love is nothing without blessings.

I have a 60-year-old mother. And I'm the last son in the family. All 4 of my brothers were married. To be honest, not all went well. Therefore in things such as this, I tend to think about my mother. I seek her blessing more than everything else. You can't have me if you don't have her.

Leaning Against The Wall

I think it's about time for me to think about having somebody in my life.

But hmm...sometimes you think she's pretty or nice or gorgeous or beautiful or so damn fine-looking or super damn cute. But when you take your thought a bit far ahead, all those positive attractions are only one small portion of a larger issue. Coz far ahead, she won't be just a girl anymore. She'll be your wife and a mother to your cute kids. A daughter-in-law to your mother and a new member of your family.

I just want somebody who could be there next to me as my lovely wedded wife. Who could be the mother to my kids. A new daughter to my mother. And a loved sister in my family. Wife. Hmm.. I wonder what the word really means these days. Is being married enough to be called a wife or a husband? People today have so many other priorities. Who really cares about being a wife or a husband to somebody anymore anyway? Let's just live, get married, fuck each other once in a while, have kids and just get old and die. Yeay~

Wanna be my wife? Anybody? Nah, perhaps my life is better off on its own. What's the point of having someone who's not even there the moment you need to lean on her chest? In the end, I have to rely on myself and console my own heart. Just lean against that empty wall that will always stand there and never leave me.

Can't blame anybody tho. We can't have everything that we want. Everybody have their own life to think about. Their own future. And we too have our own future. We can't simply beg the person to have us in their future. And neither could we force them to be in our future. It'd be selfish. So many diverged paths in our lives. A lot of decisions have to be made every now and then. And I may or may not be able to follow on the path that you take.

My Heart, Again

When I talked about this, I was actually referring to the heart of my mother. And the ones before me were my brothers and sister. Marriage is one problematic issue. Let's leave it at that, for the moment.

******************************

Did we choose to be given this life? No, not that I remember. But we make crucial choices everyday, for our hearts to keep on beating.

And if you have a big heart, the choices you make would be for the hearts around you, for them to keep on beating with the rhythm of joy, even in the expense of your own heart. But it doesn't matter. Coz your heart is big. They can slice and dice and take all they want. There's always a small chunk left for you to use, to warm yourself up after everything. And you are always happy with just that.

What seems to be the problem, then?

There's this one situation where no matter how big your heart is, you still cannot take care of everyone's heart. "Damn, how should I deal with this? A heart will inevitably get hurt," you might say. A crucial choice has to be made. A heart will get hurt. No any other way.

But there's no right or wrong in this. It's nobody's fault. It comes uninvited, and sometimes never goes away. To the lucky chosen one, it's a dream come true. But if the choice made is not in another one's favour, he or she would wish that everything is just a bad dream.

Friends Test!

Another quick one! I put this up on my Friendster page. huhu. Nobody scored A. I mean, above 80% correct. Huhu. Hmm...the 1st one who got 100% correct, I might treat him/her something reaaaaly gooood~ Ikut la nak caye ke tak. I never lie ;) Sorang sekali try je. Tarikh tutup sehingga next entry. Gud luck~ (^_^)

Question #1

What is my full name?

A. Muhammad Lutfi Bin Lukman

B. Ahmad Lutfi Bin Lukman

C. Mohd. Lutfi Bin Lukman

D. Muhd. Lutfi Bin Lukman

Question #2

When is my birthday?

A. 23rd September 1984

B. 20th November 1984

C. 21st November 1984

D. 23rd November 1984

Question #3

What is my hobby?

A. Listening to songs

B. Watching anime

C. Reading manga

D. Outdoor activities

Question #4

Which one is my favorite ice-cream?

A. Paddle pop Rainbow

B. Cornetto with Kit Kat

C. Magnum

D. Tropicana

Question #5

What is my favorite food

A. Spaghetti

B. Pizza

C. Satay

D. Nasi Briyani

Question #6

Which one is the most important?

A. My handphone

B. My computer

C. My wallet

D. My wristwatch

Question #7

What is my highest aim, in 10 years from now?

A. Financial freedom

B. Become a distinguished professor in a biotechnology field

C. Have 4 children with a lovely wife (^_^)

D. Build a house for my mother

Question #8

How many sisters do I have now?

A. 6

B. 5

C. 4

D. 3

Question #9

Why am I still not married?

A. I don\'t have enough money for the marriage process

B. I want to take my mum to vacation first

C. I don\'t have anyone that I like yet

D. I want to, but I already got rejected 8 times!

Question #10

Who is my favorite manga character?

A. Monkey D. Luffy from One Piece

B. Kurosaki Ichigo from Bleach

C. Himura Kenshin from Rurouni Kenshin

D. Hatake Kakashi from Naruto

Question #11

Which creature do I like the most?

A. Cats

B. Hamsters

C. Fishes

D. Spiders

Question #12

What is my favorite color?

A. Black

B. Orange

C. Green

D. Purple

Question #13

Which car do I like better?

A. Mercedes CLK

B. BMW 5 Series

C. Volkswagen New Beetle

D. Mitsubishi Evo VIII

Question #14

What is bad about me?

A. Stingy

B. Cruel

C. Forgetful

D. Clumsy

Question #15

What year do I want to get married?

A. 2010

B. 2011

C. 2012

D. 2013

You Can't Have It All

I am not trying to impose a negative vibe into your veins. I am merely stating a truth that hurts. Out of 100 things that you want to have (or do) in life, perhaps only 50 would end up as yours. If you try hard, you might get 60. If you try harder, does 70 sounds satisfactory? Even harder, maybe 80, or 90. But know this, no matter how hard you try, the most you could get is 99. Never a hundred. Mind you, I am not talking about exam or game scores. Haha.

Even if you did get 99. That 1 last thing in your list might be the one thing that you want the most. Yes, the 100th thing that you just cannot grab might actually be the 1st in your long list.

We all have minds and hearts of our own, feelings and thoughts. We all have dreams and wishes too. We are attracted to something everyday. And perhaps once in your lifetime, you are attracted to someone? What if it's that one thing that you just cannot have? Would it hurt a lot when the truth hits you? I bet it would hurt. A lot, if you can't accept the fact that you can't have it all.

But sometimes you just don't know when to stop hoping and wishing. And as you go along, you keep hurting yourself in many ways. You might get disappointed with life. God is not fair, you may think.

But I think God is fair because nobody can have everything. If you can have everything that you want, the world would be in chaos. Some things are not meant to be yours. It belongs to somebody else. Truth hurts, it usually does. However, if those things are not meant to be yours, something else are definitely waiting for you. So don't stop there, keep looking.

Maybe the 100th thing that you can't have really is the 100th thing in your list, and so it doesn't matters much if you don't have it. And nobody says you can't have the 1st and the most important thing in your list. You won't know till you try and grab it with all your strength. I'm sure my future wife would tell you the same thing :p Perhaps, it is made for you, meant for you. In fact, that's the fun part of being alive and free, the fun part of being human. So enjoy the process. If in the end you find out that it is not for you, what can I say, you just can't have it all.

I Hate Falling In Love

It makes you suffocate,
It makes you lose control over yourself,
It makes your chest hurt inside,
It makes you feel miserable,
When you miss her.

It makes you spend your wealth on her,
It makes you spend your time for her,
It makes you spend your energy on her.
The worst part is,
You do it all gladly with all your heart.

But even worse,
It makes you open up your heart,
It makes you express your long suppressed emotions,
It makes you be you,
It brings out the best in you.
It gets you higher,
And at the same time makes you high.
You can't hide yourself anymore, everybody could see the real you now,
Especially her.

Regardless of everything,
I am indeed falling.
And I am falling deep...
Deeper and deeper each day.
And it's all her fault.
I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.

I own my feelings,
Or my feelings own me?
Dear feelings, have mercy on your master.

Weddings

I have a few things to write right now. But here's a short one.

I've attended a couple of wedding receptions recently. One was my classmate's, and the other one was a friend from the same batch, but she took a different course. Next two weeks there'll be another one. Now this one will be my senior's wedding reception. He took the same course as I did. He'll be marrying his junior. Oh, his junior is my junior as well. Huhu :)

My faculty has 3 departments - Biotechnology, Computational & Theoritical Science, and Biomedical Science. I have lotsa friends from all three departments, be it juniors or seniors, and not to mention from my own batch. There are a few staffs that I'm close to as well. Referring to this paragraph and the previous, can you see where I'm getting at? It'll be tougher if you add up my ex-schoolmates. Huhu.

I just realized this yesterday...

I have to attend lots and lots of weddings!!

To all my friends who are reading this (and if they don't please help me relay the message), I have a request. Please consider to hold your wedding receptions in Kuala Terengganu!~ huhu

Just kidding :p No worries, as long as I have the money and the time, I'll definitely be there on the most glorious day of your wonderful life, the day u're crowned as kings and queens in your own kingdom! (^_^)v

Within 4 years from now, There'll be tonnes of weddings to attend! (Including my own! :p). Then the graph will go down and down...until I reach the age of 50+, the graph will rise up again! Huhu. Why? Coz then it'll be our kids' turn (^_^)

Tiga Skandal Hidupku

Kami pernah berkawan.
Malah
Pernah lebih daripada itu.
Tapi kini tidak lagi berkawan.
Dan tidak mungkin akan kembali lebih.
Namun aku sebenarnya
Ingin kembali berkawan.
Tapi hanya berkawan.
Tidak lebih daripada itu.

***********************************

Kami hanya kawan.
Tidak pernah lebih.
Dan aku pasti
Tidak akan lebih daripada itu.
Tapi kini aku rimas.
Sangat tidak selesa.
Aku bosan aku serabut.
Aku rimas.
Bukan hanya tidak akan lebih.
Malah
Aku tidak ingin lagi berkawan.

***********************************

Kami berkawan.
Masih lagi berkawan.
Namun
Suatu hari nanti.
Aku mungkin ingin lebih daripada itu.
Mungkin.
Suatu hari nanti.

The Girl Who Lost The Bet

If u have read 'A Bicycle To Remember', there was this 'budak kecik' who dared me to cycle from KT to Kuantan. Yeah, so kecik (i mean, short) that I just have to look down on her. Huhu :p Oh, I'm not gonna reveal her name here. Let's just call her 'The Girl Who Lost The Bet'. In short, TGWLTB, but please read it in full, otherwise it wouldn't sound dramatic. (Show a lil sympahthy for her, will ya? :p) Anyway, if the lil tortoise is reading this and decides to come out of the shell and publicize herself, be my guest. No harm done on my side. Huhu. As the story goes, TGWLTB said I could ask for ANYTHING, it would be her treat, and she would HEAR & OBEY. I repeat, HEAR & OBEY~ lalalalalaaa~ (^_^)v

My alter ego (the evil one :p) refuse to just let her plainly buy me a plain lunch or dinner. He wanted some entertainment. Tsk tsk, he is sooo evil~ He said to me,"We must use this rare opportunity to make her suffer and bring her misery. Muahahaha!" Sooo evil~ tsk tsk tsk...Then I got influenced by the evil me, "Yeah, my life is a little plain, I should add up some spices and colors~" So I agreed with him. But since I'm a not-so-evil person, I tried to make a win-win situation, where she would also benefit from it. Til now, me n my evil alter ego came up with more than 10 conditions so far for TGWLTB to fulfill on D-Day she's treating us. Errr...me :p

1ST CONDITION: TGWLTB must be happy on D-Day. [ Huhu, I won't be enjoying my meal if there's a sad person sitting in front of me, will I? ]

2ND CONDITION: TGWLTB must be healthy on D-Day. [ Same explanation as previous, I'd just lose my appetite~ and I don't wanna be sending her to a hospital. Haha ]

3RD CONDITION: TGWLTB must be confident of herself on D-Day. [ This has something to do with her character, yeah she lacks self-confidence sometimes. But it also has something to do with the 10th condition! ]

4TH CONDITION: TGWLTB had moved on from any of her sad past, experience or crush, things related to love and relationship. [ Well, since she had a long fruitless crush and a couple of bad experience with love and relationship, I might as well help her move on. ]

5TH CONDITION: The length of TGWLTB's hair must be below her chest. [ Simply want her to suffer and make her life more difficult, but in a way, making her try something new. She said the longest she kept so far was up to her shoulder. I'm not gonna see it anyway, wouldn't know if she cheats later :p ]

6TH CONDITION: The treat will neither be in Terengganu nor Kelantan, unless stated otherwise by Lutfi Lukman. [ No good+EXPENSIVE+exotic place to eat lah at these 2 states~ Lagipun suasana macam kureng je~ I don't know much bout other states though. Most probably D-Day would be in KL ]

7TH CONDITION: TGWLTB must write down all the conditions on a beautiful piece of paper and show it to Lutfi Lukman on D-Day. [ Gotta make sure she remembers all the conditions, rite? ]

8TH CONDITION: The bet will be void if TGWLTB got herself a boyfriend, but it will be back on if they break up before the due date. [ Do you want to see me in the newspaper? Got chopped up by a mad boyfriend or something? Huhu :p ]

9TH CONDITION: TGWLTB must weigh 45kg on D-Day. [ I'm a good person. I'm angelic :p I'm helping her to lose some weight. She said she wanted to lose some weight, so I'm just helping out a bit. And at the same time see her suffer and make her life more difficult! Less yummy food for her and she needs to exercise more~ Hahaha ]

10TH CONDITION: TGWLTB must wear a skirt on D-Day. [ Err..she wore a skirt once, and she was wondering whether it looked good, whether she should buy one and wear it more often yada yada yada~ Oh, that one belongs to her friend :p Since she lacks confidence of wearing one again, I'm here to save D-Day. Bet she'd feel awkward. Haha. Well, her pain is my gain~ ]

11TH CONDITION: On D-Day, TGWLTB must only use 'saya' when addressing herself, and 'awak' when addressing Lutfi Lukman. If she mistakenly use 'aku' when addressing herself, or 'ko' when addressing Lutfi Lukman, Lutfi Lukman is allowed to knock her head without any retaliation whatsoever. [ Just consider this as an excuse for me to knock her head for free~ (^_^) lalalalalaa~ But don't you think girls shouldn't use 'aku' and 'ko'? ]

......
...... [ There may be more coming. My evil alter ego is working on it. Tsk tsk...He is soo evil~ ]
......

FINAL CONDITION: The time limit for TGWLTB to fulfill all the conditions and treat Lutfi Lukman on D-Day is 31st of December 2010, or before one of us get married, whichever is sooner. [ We gotta have a time limit, rite? I don't wanna wait till I'm in my 50's~ haha. Oh, and may I remind you that you don't want to see me in the newspaper, got chopped by a mad husband~ Huhu :p ]

It's not that difficult, isn't it? And not to mention, FAIR. Huhu :P . The difficult ones are only no. 4, 5, 9, 10 & 11. But she's already complaining and sighing~ Hey, put the blame on the Evil Lutfi Lukman. It's not my fault. The Real (and Nice) Lutfi Lukman simply wanna make another memory (^_^)v

When will the D-Day be? It is up to The Girl Who Lost The Bet now (^_^)

The Breakup Songs : Final Verse

I don't think breaking up is easy, but Alhamdulillah, I went through it without too much difficulties. What happened between me and her, I don't think any normal guy could take it. I would really like to get it off my chest, but I couldn't do it. Not now. One fine day, perhaps, in the arms of my lovely wife :) Oh, in addition to what had been going on between me and her, I was the president of a society back then. (Lepas abis meeting abang call la balik. Tapi tak paham-paham. And the phone kept vibrating...). Exam was around the corner too when we broke up. Crazy, huh? I tried not to let my tragedy affect others though. I think I managed just that.

Why my instinct told me to keep my distance before kinda make sense now. If this happened when I was younger, perhaps I might not be able to handle it. Definitely not~

And it's not at all the end of the world. More like a new beginning to me. Now I am more certain with what I want in life, where I want to be and who I want to be with. I can restructure my life for my best interest, without considering my other half. You can also look at it as 'my second chance'. Perhaps, my 1st choice wasn't the best for me. (and of coz, I might not be the best choice for her too). So, both of us are allowed to choose again. Pray that I'll marry someone in 2010! (^_^)v

Before I was in the relationship, I've always wondered how it would feel to break up with the one you love. We got so many songs telling you about love and heartbreak, picking up and dropping off, the sweet and the bitter feelings. I wonder if I would enjoy these songs better after I broke up with someone. I got my answer now. Yes! Haha :p However, when I was with her, I hope it would never happen. Truth hurts, but I accepted it with an open heart.

For those who have been brokenhearted, I dedicate these songs to me, and you too. Be sad, but not for too long. Get back on your feet. Chin up, cheer up. Stand tall. Head held high. Wipe off the traces of your weeping. Take a deep breath. Open your eyes. Bismillaahi Ar-rahmaani Ar-rahiim. Continue walking. You are not yet at your final destination ;)

Trying not to break
But i'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me

-Linkin Park, From The Inside-


You were everything I wanted
You were everything a girl could be
Then you left me brokenhearted
Now you don't mean a thing to me
-----------
Thought that everything was perfect
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Thought you thought that I was worth it
Now I think a little differently

-Plain White T's, Hate (Really Don't Like You)-


You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

-Daughtry, Over You-


I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

-One Republic feat. Timbaland, Apologize-


Sudah usai sudah
Cerita engkau dan aku
Ku anggap sebagai bingkisan kalbu

-Kangen Band, Tentang Aku, Kau dan Dia-

The Breakup Songs : Chorus

Yes, be aware that these are only MY words, from MY point of view, and I am a MALE human. Perhaps, I'm in the wrong. Well..I don't give a damn anyway :p Girls, if you don't like what I'm about to say, skip this entry. But I think this piece is good for you. So you better read it. Huhu.

Some advices.

• Girls, be confident with yourself. You're great, always great. He's in love with you~ Don't give a damn about those prickly little voices in your head. You're wonderful to him. He sincerely loves you! Don't doubt yourself. But of course, if you love him as much, improve yourself bit by bit. No rush ;) Try not to degrade though :p

• Girls, sulking is good. Big sulk once in a while is great. But big sulk once a month? That's pretty tiring. Once a week...Err..are you a black widow? Or do you want to be a widow? You'll kill him!~

• Girls, I know you're in love. A love soo deep you can't even see the bottom. But you don't have to text him every minute and call him everyday. There's a possibility that he would pity you, and then he'd be the one calling you instead (T_T) Lagi haru kalau tiap-tiap hari dating~ If he's filthy rich, don't give a damn lah~ huhu.

• Girls, trust him (Unless...he's a playboy :p). Love is a subtle thing, it's a conscience. Trust that he loves you, even when he's far away, even when you're not in touch for a month. Have a little jealousy. But mind you, ONLY A LITTLE. Never lose your self-confidence. And guys, trust her as much.

• Girls, never interfere with his business. I mean, real business, money-related business. Unless if you're really good at it lah. Especially when you include emotions and feelings in his business. Do you think he's heartless? Shame on you.

• Girls, be the great woman behind the great man. Even better, be the great woman beside the great man. Yes, you are the other half of him. You're suppose to make him complete, so that he can be a better person, a great person. Take him to the top, not drag him down to the bottom of the sea~ Same goes to the guys, be the great man of your wonderful woman ;)

• Girls, never try to test him. Never try to test him in the name of love. He usually knows it when you're testing him. Sometimes, he plays according to your rule. You happy. But keep in mind that he can always deliberately turns the tables around. End result? You not happy, huhu. Right back at you. Padan muka nak test sangat~ But seriously, don't test your partner. Hina dan keji.

• Girls, never ever make him do something in the name of love. If it's only for jokes or simply for fun, that's ok. But if it's for something serious, that's very low~it's like you're selling your love, girl. Again, hina dan keji.

• Girls, you're not the only one with problems, sadness, headache, heartache or whatever. He has feelings too. He needs to lean on to you as well. He needs to rest on your shoulder once in a while, and cry in your chest if he has to, embraced by your soft arms. Well, not as often as you girls do :p Still, consider that, k.

• Girls, take good care of yourself. Take good care of yourself. Take good care of yourself. Take good care of yourself. Take good care of yourself. You're living in a big bad world. Please, take good care of yourself.

• And Girls, as Che'Nelle (was it her?) said in Hitz.fm, I didn't remember the exact thing she said, but it's about being happy with yourself. Don't be sad and expect your other half to come and make you happy. Be happy, and when he comes into your life, he will add more happiness into your life. Double happy (^_^)
  

What I said above doesn't work for a jerk. A stupid jerk simply deserves a kick in the balls. Leave him! You deserve a better guy! That's all I have for now. Girls, no grudge on me, k. Peace (^_^)v Oh, anybody wanna add some more? Be my guest!

The Breakup Songs : Chapter 2

We started as strangers on cyber space - MIRC. That was...end of '99 or early 2000. Oh, we had these rules - No pictures, no phone calls, no meetings. Even with those rules, we became bestfriends ever since. Then on the 5th of February 2006, she confessed her feelings. I've never ever seen a picture of her, never heard her voice, and never met her in person, yet I accepted her wholeheartedly. Couldn't help it, she said

'I love u, dammit!'

Haha. But really, I liked her attitude. After that, we were happy.

But then she started to feel inconfident, thinking that my existence by her side was too good to be true, and that I deserved a better girl. She even claimed that she was fat and had a very dark skin, a very ugly person she is. Her favorite phrase was 'go for another girl'. Well, as for me, I've made my decision, and my decision was firm. It doesn't matter how she looks like, I'm all for her. I always wondered why it is so hard for her to accept that fact. This phase, I had to go through it at least once a month~

She broke the 1st promise by looking at my pictures in this blog. Then she broke the 2nd promise too. We broke the 3rd one together by agreeing to meet each other. I went to her house during Hari Raya. That's the first time I saw her face. Looking at her for the first time, I asked myself, 'WHY? She's lovely, has a pretty face and a beautiful body, so why is she so inconfident being with me?'

Well, we had our fun, enjoying each other's company, went out together a few times. She was nothing but sweet, pretty, adorable and so on and on and on (you don't wanna hear more of these :p)

The unpleasant thing is, at least once a month she would find something to argue about with me. And in the end, 'Go for another girl~'. Lack trust and lack self-confidence - two main ingredients for a pitiful relationship. I had to rebuild that trust, again and again, everytime we argued. Believe me, it was damn tiring.

Male or female, guys or girls, men or women, we all need someone that we can lean on to. You know, a shoulder to cry on. No matter how strong a person is, he needs to lean on someone once in a while. She's always leaning on me, wallowing in self pity. So I hardly had my chance to cry on her shoulder instead.

All those tiring moments, added with several big incidents, and you have a breakup ;)

The breakup songs : Chapter 1

[Background song while I'm writing this: Dan Sebenarnya, by Yuna, but disumbangkan by Zack (my roomate)]

After the SHE series (refer to archive July and August 2007), I haven't really talk about my breakup, have I? Hmmm...more than a year has passed since the day she let me go. Nothing much, it's just that I've been thinking a bit, about how I've been doing throughout this one year. Wiser, yes. Better, too ;)

BEFORE

I wasn't an introvert, but more like a 'close' person. I don't socialize much with girls, except with the friends I'm very familiar with. Not because I couldn't, but it's because I wouldn't. My instinct told me to keep my distance from the other gender. Why? I didn't really know why. It just felt safer that way.

I wasn't a really bad muslim. A lil bad perhaps, with some bad deeds here and there. What can I say~ Average human with flaws. Huhu :p

As a person, putting aside my action and reaction towards girls, I think I'm a pretty nice dude. The guys who really knew me back then would say I'm a decently nice guy :p

DURING

I started to open myself up a bit. I dunno, it just felt safer with her attached to me. My heart was with her, so other girls couldn't do anything to it. Hence, I started to get to know my female colleagues. No other agenda, simply for the sake of friendship, catching up a couple of years that I had missed.

I think I was a better muslim. Well, I did a couple of big mistakes, in which I very very much regretted later. But in terms of faith, I wouldn't know for sure coz it's His judgment, but I think I was closer to Him than before. Even after she did what she did, I still reach out for her. I loved her for the sake of Allah. That's how I always thought about us, though in the end I was not appreciated. Did I not try hard enough...? I wondered.

As a person...I think I got nicer as well. Now it's ok to be kind to everyone, regardless of their genders. I even got myself a nice lil' sis.

AFTER

I'm still being open. I did consider going back to the me before, but I think I am wise enough to handle my relationship with anyone now. A little insecure though, because I've taken my heart back from her and keep it with me. It's a little wobbly in my care :p Nonetheless, I manage to keep it safe to this very day.

Yes, a much better muslim. I learnt from my mistakes. I have a stronger faith, I'd say. But I really have to work on the practical part. Dah lama tak puasa sunat ni. Selalu subuh ala elephant plak tu~ tsk tsk tsk~

Still a nice person....though many may disagree :p

I'm holding back a little. Gotta be careful with what I do. Since this blog is read by many, let's not venture much into this part ;)

Sigh...

I wish I could just throw away my handphone, so that nobody could reach me. But I just couldn't do so. Why? Because there are important people who need to be in touch with me~ darn.

It was very peaceful during my practical training at Institut Kepelbagaian Biologi (Biodiversity Institute), in Lanchang, Pahang. Coz we could hardly get any phone signal there.

But why don't I want anybody to reach me?

Well, some of them simply want to fill up their time and they think bugging me would be the most productive thing to do. Oh, I hate one-way communication. They are having fun, but I'm not.

Nevertheless, there are a few people that I actually enjoy texting with. And I could go on and on and on...

But the problem is, it'll get us closer to each other. The last thing I need now is to be concerned about another person, a girl especially. I wanna be carefree for now. God, please let me stay single for another year~

Stay away from me. Let me be by myself. Don't get yourself tangled up with me. Coz I have chosen not to break another heart, not to hurt another soul.

Pergi main jauh-jauh.

undeserving

My thesis is less than 20% complete while most of my friends already submitted their drafts to respective supervisors. Who am I kidding? So help me God~ Err..but God doesn't help the people who's not putting any effort! I don't think I'm on his list-to-be-helped yet. Ok, then. God, please enlighten me a little so that I would put my best effort! Somehow I feel a lil better now(^_^) Chayo chayo lutfi!

Ok, putting my thesis issue aside, I'd like to talk about something else!

My sister once told me that she didn't deserve a brother like me. And I said to her How do you know if anybody deserves anything? How do you justify that? And how do you know I don't deserve a sister like you? We don't know all that, but I'm here, so accept and enjoy.

Yeah, I was the one saying that, but now I'm having the same problem. People are being nice to me lately. Too nice and kind that I felt undeserving. Zali suddenly bought me a BigMac a few days ago. Nyum2! An acquaintance bought me those nice karipap peramu that I really love. An old companion gave me a Hush Puppies shirt! Lovely! (^_^). A friend just gave me home made Tom Yam for dinner tonite, damn delicious I wanna cry~. Not to mention all those birthday presents I received previously from my closest friends. My sis has been giving me too many stuffs, I lost count :p

Is it karma or is it sorta like good things that happen before something bad takes place? Well, it couldn't be karma. Ask anyone (but my sis), they'd say I am everything, except kind. Someone has been telling me that I'm a pain in the ass, and that I'm also cruel and stingy. I agree :p Plus, at this moment, being kind would bring troubles. My wish needs me to be cruel :)

All in all, if it isn't karma...Then, something really bad may happen to me after this. I better be prepared (^_^)


P/s: if you wanna give a comment, make me look as bad as possible ;)