I Owe You But You Don't Own Me

Women are objects. True?
Not? Then, men are objects. True?

How about I put it this way - You can own a non-blood-related person without having to marry them. Yeah, since we are objects, we can be tossed around, we can be bought and we can be traded. We can be owned with just money and effort. Hey, how about I pay you $10000 for you to be my property? Or even better, hey you poor lil orphan girl uncle will love you and take good care of you, but when you turn 18 10 years from now you must marry this kind and loving uncle of yours who is then almost reaches 50.

Is that how things are? I owe you so you own me? Sick.

What rights do we have to claim a person as our personal property?

And what rights do we have to stop her from leaving our side? No matter how much love we have poured onto her, no matter how much effort we put in for her, no matter how much money and time we have spent for her, what rights do we have??

Sometimes people talk about rights and justice on behalf of others, even when they only know half the story. Hey u killed a kind-hearted and pious person, that's bad, sinful and totally immoral!~ (I don't care how it happened and I don't care what your reason was, you are deemed guilty!) You see, we like to judge and prejudge, and make assumptions too, on top of that. And of course, if the dead guy looks like a nice person on the surface, he is without a doubt the victim.

Alright, those above are extreme analogies. But what about in delicate issues such as love..?

How much does a heart worth? How much do you have to pay to own a person's heart? I don't think you can. It can't be bought, nor can it be traded. We can try putting in our very best effort, but a heart resonates with another heart when it feels like it. God knows how. You can't force a heart to move with money and effort. You can't force love.

Hey, I did all those things for you, you are supposed to give me your heart in return.

Yeah I probably should...but my heart doesn't resonates for yours...Do I still have to give you my heart..? Do I just ignore what it wants and give it to you anyway? For what you have done for me on your own accord and personal expectation, do I sell my own happiness?

No Title

Sadness brings out the darkest side of you. The dark sides which a shattered heart could not contain. This heart of mine is always blanketed with a soft purple velvet. I am better now. Better than yesterday, at least. I am surrounded by mature and wise friends. Thanks guys!

Hearts twisted. Tears wasted. Souls...died. I am sorry that a few persons have to hurt for the path I chose. Yet our bodies keep walking this earth, searching for salvation and guidance, trying to mend our hearts with every bit of consolation. From friends, families, and even strangers, whomever lends their ears and shoulders.

My heart too was torn, but it never said I'm wrong. Lovers cried, but things never felt this right. I had my doubt, I drowned deep in thoughts. Words spoken and my eyes are open. What's done is done and I never wish for it to be undone. This is not a dream, nobody is lying. They are not lies. The fact is, this is life.

I may not be in my best state of mind to tell this, but don't lose to those bad whisperers...

Earth Hour - Frustration in Terengganu!

I am utterly disappointed with Terengganu! Ampeh betul.

But I am proud with myself and my family! At exactly 8.30pm tonight, we switch off all the lights in our house in support of THE EARTH HOUR 2009! (^_^)v

I thought all the lights in Terengganu were switched off. And I was extremely excited going out to see the sign of unity in the state of Terengganu so-called Darul Iman. Even my 62-year old mom was excited and tagged along with me. And all we got to see was disappointment and frustration! Terang benderang, siap ada lampu kelip-kelip lagi! Damn ignorant people~

Hey, even my Indonesian neighbour switched off their lights tau! Tolong la. Malu la siket!~ You call yourself Malaysians?? Huh. I am sooo not proud with myself being an Orang Teganu right now.

And dear state government, you wanna get votes and support from the youth? Keep on dreaming. You lots will never get it!

Arggghhhh!!!! Sucks!

My Heart

I suddenly have a lot to say, and to remind myself of.

Ada sekeping hati ni yang susah sangat nak jaga. But no matter what, I have to take very very good care of it. That heart over my own heart. Will my heart crumble and rebel too one day? I pray that I will always have the strength, more than the ones before me.

But it takes a big heart to take care of another heart. And the bigger your heart is, the more hearts it can take care of. The question is, do you really want that? Coz a big heart is very heavy to carry. Very heavy.

You Can't Have It All

I am not trying to impose a negative vibe into your veins. I am merely stating a truth that hurts. Out of 100 things that you want to have (or do) in life, perhaps only 50 would end up as yours. If you try hard, you might get 60. If you try harder, does 70 sounds satisfactory? Even harder, maybe 80, or 90. But know this, no matter how hard you try, the most you could get is 99. Never a hundred. Mind you, I am not talking about exam or game scores. Haha.

Even if you did get 99. That 1 last thing in your list might be the one thing that you want the most. Yes, the 100th thing that you just cannot grab might actually be the 1st in your long list.

We all have minds and hearts of our own, feelings and thoughts. We all have dreams and wishes too. We are attracted to something everyday. And perhaps once in your lifetime, you are attracted to someone? What if it's that one thing that you just cannot have? Would it hurt a lot when the truth hits you? I bet it would hurt. A lot, if you can't accept the fact that you can't have it all.

But sometimes you just don't know when to stop hoping and wishing. And as you go along, you keep hurting yourself in many ways. You might get disappointed with life. God is not fair, you may think.

But I think God is fair because nobody can have everything. If you can have everything that you want, the world would be in chaos. Some things are not meant to be yours. It belongs to somebody else. Truth hurts, it usually does. However, if those things are not meant to be yours, something else are definitely waiting for you. So don't stop there, keep looking.

Maybe the 100th thing that you can't have really is the 100th thing in your list, and so it doesn't matters much if you don't have it. And nobody says you can't have the 1st and the most important thing in your list. You won't know till you try and grab it with all your strength. I'm sure my future wife would tell you the same thing :p Perhaps, it is made for you, meant for you. In fact, that's the fun part of being alive and free, the fun part of being human. So enjoy the process. If in the end you find out that it is not for you, what can I say, you just can't have it all.

Blessing In Disguise

Things turned out rather unexpectedly for me, in many occasions. Makes me think that blessings always wear masks. Ugly masks. We seldom try to look behind the mask. Try to take it off and there lies a fair and beautiful blessing. Always.

Things don't always go the way you want them to be. Life can be like ABC, but it's usually like A TO Z. There are 24 more letters in between. F word is always around. There's a big L too. There's also the always-perplexing X. Even if you ask Y, sometimes there's just no answer. B who? B where? B what? Only U can decide. Or U can choose to end up as an S. All I know, this is a beautiful world, there's a lot to C. M not gonna let things stop at the big L. Sometimes you wonder if it's the N and you should stop there. No, there's more. Don't stop till you reach Z, where you can rest and sleep peacefully with a big smile on your face.

Bagai matahari selepas hujan
Memancar cahaya meniti gerimis
Melakar pelangi di awangan

Have faith, coz the light will come out eventually. And rain isn't such a bad thing. Enjoy every moment, even when it's raining. Don't hate it. Coz the rainbow wouldn't be there if the rain didn't fall first. Go out, and dance in the rain.

My Convocation

Perhentian Island

Everybody has been updating their blogs like 10 times since last month. And I just have the time to write a new entry today. I thought I'd be having lots of leisure times with this new job. Apparently not. Huhu :p Still, it's fun to be doing what I like to do, though I have to sacrifce a couple of other things that I like to do. Well,there will be times for catching up later, such as today (^_^)v And I even went to Perhentian Island last weekend yeyy!

A lil scandal for a scandalous blog. Huhu :p

It's a lil bit late to mention this, but I had my convocation last 2 weeks, on the 24th of August. Was it super fun? Hmm...so-so, i guess. Well, I've graduated in February, and have been working ever since. I even changed to a new job. So to me it's kinda like 'just a convocation'; nothing serious, nothing grand. What mattered to me then was meeting with my old friends. Yeah, I was expecting a big gathering, catching up with em, getting to know their families. Unfortunately, not much of those happened. All of us got separated right after we got out of the hall and everybody was busy with their family, including me :p Some of them went back early. *sigh* huh~

Nevertheless, some of us managed to gather together and snap some awesome pictures! Although not everyone's in it, but it should be enough for reminiscing later (^_^) As long as the memories remain somewhere~ Huhu. I don't have a camera. These are some of the pics that I could grab from my friends in friendster. There should be more though. But they don't have any reason to upload Lutfi's pics in their photo albums, rite? Huhu.

The sky is yours~

My classmates~ Aku rasa budak yang tak pakai robe tu tak grad lagi kut...she's still in skola rendah~ huhu :p

Yeah, throw some more! Cepat~ Lepas ni dah nak hujan~

My batch~ Luv em all!

Ade ke patut diorang cakap aku macam budak tadika...

Ehem.

My ex. Oops, Ex-image consultant only lah~


Post-convo dinner at Saisaki Buffet.

Muka aku yang cina dah semakin jepun sebab makan sushi banyak sangat~ huhu

****************************

Did you see what I was wearing? Huhuhu. Brand new suit~ and a new haircut too. I mean I just cut my hair short. It was pretty long before. Oh, I would probably shave my head again after raya :p Anyway, despite my not-so-handsome-looking face, the suit made me look pretty damn good, doesn't it? Haha. Mind you, I didn't buy em solely for the sake of convocation. I've always wanted a new suit. I'd be using em a lot after this! Hey, I'm in a professional field~ Gotta have such attire ;)

As always, I suck at shopping clothes. Major suck. Oh, did you notice the green shirt I was wearing inside? I bought that a few months ago in this entry. For the blazer, I bought em on my way to KL. Me and my ma stopped by at East Coast Mall, Kuantan. We went into Parkson and headed straight to G2000 section. Coz I got an info that they're giving lotsa discount on blazers! *Tenkiu McLa!* Huhu. No image consultants too this time. No Arshana, no Ati, no Mun no Ann. My ma was with me, but she didn't know much about suits. *Oh help me God~*. I flipped through the blazers hanging there. No salesgirl was there at the moment.

"Damn, why are there so many to choose from yet they all look the same?! I hate convo~"

I called Arshana. No reply~ "Crap, sape lagi aku bleh contact ni..."

"Razali! Hoho, Zali metrosexual sket. Yeyy!"

I called Zali. No reply~ "Tak guna, Zali. Ko gi mana~ Huuu~" *almost cried..huhu :p *

Then the salesgirl came out from the storage room. Luckily she was very helpful! (^_^) Telling me the differences and asking me to try this and this and that. Then Zali called. "Yeyy! Saviour!" As expected, he knows everything bout mens' clothing! - The buttons, the shape, the cut, the collar, the latest design, the in-thing! - I'm telling you he knows everything about it! Like a fashion guru~ huhu.

I also tried the pants. I spent about 2 hours there and called Zali like 5 times asking for guidance! Muahaha :p And who do you think made the final decision? My mom? Me? Guess again~ It's the salesgirl. Hahaha. Yep, she said this blazer fit me better over that one and that one coz bla bla bla. I don't mind, coz she's pretty cute and seemed like to know what she's saying. I will follow you~ Huhu. I almost bought a pair of black pants there too. Tried 4-5 pair of pants, then retried them again and again coz I'm sooo damn unsure bout how a good pair of pants supposed to be. When I was about to buy the one that I thought was the best, she said "Err..isn't the waist a little too big..?" Unfortunately they don't have a smaller size. Huhu. So afterwards, I text Zali,

"Jom kita kuar shopping esok! (^_^)"

Bought a new pair of black pants and a sleek tie with Zali at Midvalley on the next day! And Zali was also the one who helped me collect my convo robe the week before. Tenkiu very much Zali! I owe u big time!~ huhu. But I have to iron the robe the night before convo and it was super irritating! Mmg sumpah seranah la time gosok jubah tu. I hate convo~ Huhu.

P/s: To the juniors who are going to have your convocation next year. If you want to get what I wanted to have on your convocation day, do make plans with your friends! Oh, I don't mean the suit lah! Hahaha. I mean the big gathering with your friends and their families~ know the flow of programme on that day and plan earlier with all your friends on when to meet and where to meet and what to do. Let your family be friends with your friends' families. Not to mention you can take lotsa pics that way with everyone in it. So your convo wud be more happening! And guys, we're science students, so make some noise! Huhu (^_^) Hey, kitorang je yang baling mortar board tu tau!~ huhuhu. Oh, sweet memories~ ONE MORE THING!! AKU BERJAYA BUAT 'PEACE' KAT ATAS PENTAS SELEPAS AMIK SCROLL!! I don't have the pic, but it should be in the video. MUAHAHA~ Oh, I luv being a science graduate from Kulliyyah of Science IIUM! Coz we are wacky! (^_^)v

Super Update! Taman Negara + Kenyir + Wedding

KENYIR

I came back home from Taman Negara at noon of the 10th of August, Sunday. Had a short rest, then I punched in for work in the afternoon. As I walked into the office, I saw my big boss talking to a colleague of mine. As I was about to walk pass them, he called for me, saying "Lutfi, nak pergi Kenyir?"

"Err...nak!!...?" (^_^)

The trip was for a research project totally unrelated to me. Huhu. Two nights (12-14th August 2008). Free transportation, free accomodation (Resort, beb! Bukan khemah~) and most importantly, free good meals :D Talk about being lucky :p Lalalalalaaa~

----------------------------------------------------

TAMAN NEGARA

I joined the J.R.E. II. Or u may read it as Jungle River Ecology: Level two. From 4-9th of August 2008. Location? Taman Negara Pahang! (^_^) Since I did my internship at the Institute of Biodiversity (IBD) Lanchang, I was invited to be a volunteer for the program. You don't play-play ah, national level wooo~ Jointly organized by PERHILITAN, NRE, and Ministry of Education.

Well, it wasn't as fun and as challenging as I thought it would be. I was expecting students to be the participants, but they all turned out to be teachers~ And almost all are 30+ years old~ Huhu. The jungle trekking was easy peasy. But I had my fun anyway in that one week, and I think it's totally worth it (^_^) Hey, free holiday in Taman Negara with free good food and place to stay~ that's what matters most. Huhu :D

I leave the details and pics to Tuan Caracol, k. What I'd like to say about the trip is, it was totally worth it! Not coz of the program itself, but it's due to the chance of meeting the people that I had left 2 years ago - The staffs I met and learnt from in IBD. Puan Noni, Pak Andak, En. Syukri, En. Khairul, En. Ki, Pak Din and Cik Dila. My internship with them 2 years ago taught me a lot about life, and we had so much fun then!

I don't know bout their academic qualifications, whether all of them have degrees or diplomas or SPM or none. Those things don't matter. I never care. What I do know is, they are people with lotsa experience. The kinda experience that you don't learn in schools and universities. Some of them even have better ways of thinking than university students. Creativity? You might lose to them. Critical thinking? They could in fact teach you the right way to think. Huhu.

So what defines us? It's definitely not your certificates. It's your mind and heart. I ain't gonna respect you just because u have the certs. Dear readers, don't you dare look down on someone just because they have a lower academic qualification than you. Respect people equally. Don't prejudge. Certs won't do you any good if you have a rotten heart~

Oh, on our way back we dropped by at Merapoh. I got to meet dearest Wanie, Kira and Jannah! (^_^) I was super duper happy! My wish came true! Well...partly, coz sadly Iqah went for a school trip. Huu~ didn't get to meet her~ Love em like they're my own kids! Huhu

--------------------------------------------------------

WEDDING

1 month before 16th August 2008
"Lutfi, jemput la datang kenduri kawin aku 16hb Ogos"
= 1 wedding to attend

1 week before 16th August 2008
"Luppi, tau dok Sya (my ex-classmate) kawin minggu depan?"
= 2 weddings to attend

2 days before 16th August 2008
"Luppi, Diyana Husna kawin gok ari Sabtu ni."
= 3 weddings to attend

On the 16th of August 2008
"Lutfi, kita gi kenduri kawin member aku skali."
= 4 weddings to attend!

Dah la aircond kereta tak berfungsi~ I got back home with a severe headache and a totally worn out body. But glad that I made it to all four weddings (^_^)v

Weddings

I have a few things to write right now. But here's a short one.

I've attended a couple of wedding receptions recently. One was my classmate's, and the other one was a friend from the same batch, but she took a different course. Next two weeks there'll be another one. Now this one will be my senior's wedding reception. He took the same course as I did. He'll be marrying his junior. Oh, his junior is my junior as well. Huhu :)

My faculty has 3 departments - Biotechnology, Computational & Theoritical Science, and Biomedical Science. I have lotsa friends from all three departments, be it juniors or seniors, and not to mention from my own batch. There are a few staffs that I'm close to as well. Referring to this paragraph and the previous, can you see where I'm getting at? It'll be tougher if you add up my ex-schoolmates. Huhu.

I just realized this yesterday...

I have to attend lots and lots of weddings!!

To all my friends who are reading this (and if they don't please help me relay the message), I have a request. Please consider to hold your wedding receptions in Kuala Terengganu!~ huhu

Just kidding :p No worries, as long as I have the money and the time, I'll definitely be there on the most glorious day of your wonderful life, the day u're crowned as kings and queens in your own kingdom! (^_^)v

Within 4 years from now, There'll be tonnes of weddings to attend! (Including my own! :p). Then the graph will go down and down...until I reach the age of 50+, the graph will rise up again! Huhu. Why? Coz then it'll be our kids' turn (^_^)

malas update yeyy!~ ban yai~

Arghhh!!~ malas nak update boleh tak?

Sooo much things to do lah lately. There's so little time, and when I had the time, I just couldn't get myself to write. But in everyday life, my mind is always sparked by things that happens around me. And those sparks make me go thinking bout writing something at that very moment. Then as time goes by, as I lalalalalaaa my way around, I would totally forgot about whatever there was in my head before. Huhu :p

I'm hardly in my office on weekends. I'd be either in KL or KT, my hometown. I'm going back home too this weekend. Homey sweet home. Huhu (^_^) I was in KL last week to send my lil sis off to Aussie. I'd be in KL next week to attend my lil sis's convocation. I even have to go earlier coz I need to go sampling for the research project I'm working on.

By the way, my contract with IIUM Consultancies shall end on 31st of July. Suddenly there are lotsa tasks need to be completed, so me and my partner MJ23 would get a bit busy till that date. Well, I don't mind working for a worthy pay ;) In the mean time, I got a couple of things I need to prepare for my new job which will start early next month. Yep! Another job awaits! And I'll be attending a programme called 'Jungle River Ecology' from 4th-9th of August 2008.

There you go, busy as a bumble bee~ but this one too is considered an update, right? (^_^)v

License to Drive, Ticket for Speeding

I spent one whole week in KL + JB. Just got back in IIUM Kuantan last night. Pretty tiring~ But a man has got to work and have fun. Huhu. It's for my research project. We need to take blood samples from pesticde sprayers. Therefore we need to visit some estates and deal with their managers. Tiring, but wasn't so bad. We used the company's Avanza. Each of us got RM 40 daily allowance. We could claim for mileage and tolls. Kinda like going to KL for free~ huhu. Then 2 days ago my boss asked me n MJ23 to represent him to visit a practical student in JB. Well, another cuti-cuti Malaysia for us! We didn't get daily allowance, but getting the accomodation fee was good enough! lalalalalaa~ (^_^)

So, I've been driving and going places all week. Based at Taman Melati, we went to Lembah Beringin, Subang (3 times), Sg. Buloh, Petaling Jaya, Putrajaya, Johor Bharu, Gombak, and of coz, back to Kuantan terchenta.

I've been driving for about 6 years. I got my license to drive after SPM, when I was 18. I love driving! Especially if it's a good car and the radio works fine. What's a car without a radio, huh~ huhu. I'm not from a rich family. So far the best car I've driven was my sister's Satria Neo. Damn, that felt really good :D

My siblings (except my lil sis) are all racers. Ok, that's a bit stretching it. Hehe. But we really like to drive fast. Not like fast and furious, just faster than average drivers :p How fast can a proton get anyway~ I have 5 brothers, the craziest one was the fourth. My Kak Long, she's wicked too. Nevertheless, we don't do reckless driving. All of us drive safely (^_^)v

Throughout these 6 years of driving, never have I got into any accident. Told ya, I drive safely ;) And the traffic officer was never kind enough to give me any ticket for speeding or for breaking any rules and regulations on the road, until last monday. Darn it~ I was driving the company's Avanza on MRR2 Kepong when suddenly there's a road block ahead. The officer let the car in front of me passed. Owh, ok, lalalalalaa~ But then he pointed the red flag at me then shoved the flag (with utmost determination and power) to his right. As for me, I thought the Avanza was too big to go straight, so he wanted me to move a little to the left. Ok, dum da dum da daa~ to the left, to the left~ Naive and innocent, huh? Right after I passed the officer with the red flag. There's another officer on my left blowed up his whistle like there's no tomorrow. Almost reached 150 decibel. Ok, now I know what's happening...

Another officer approached as I opened the window. Hey, dummy. You went straight into our trap. Muahaha! We caught you driving at 106km/h. The speed limit here is 80km/h, just so you know lah. yada yada yada~ Gotcha! (I've changed the dialogue. He actually spoke like A. Galak, and in Malay, u know, like traffic police~ huhu). So, my first ticket other than parking tickets and movie tickets and bus tickets. 80km/h, can u guys believe that? For God's sake, it's a three-lane road! It wasn't even busy at the time. And you guys want me to drive below 80? Who the hell's in charge on this speed-limit thing anyway? Tak logik langsung!~ The highway's speed limit of 110km/h is also unfashionably irrelevant. Or you guys are so broke that u need to 'legally' con my money? I don't mind getting summons or tickets for things that are truly logically wrong that I did. But this one, my mind simply couldn't comprehend~

Arghhh~ can't stand being led by incompetents. I'd be glad to follow logical and relevant rules. But they made too many stupid and ridiculous rules for us to abide by~ Gotta get myself up there someday. So many stupid rules that need to be amended and abolished!

New Shirts! Lalalalalaaa~ (^_^)

Ahhh~ it's good to have money~ and it's even better when you have the time to spend it :) I just rewarded myself with two brand new G2000 shirts! Bought them at the newly opened Parkson East Coast Mall. One is THIS colour, and the other one is THIS colour. Bright eay? Yepyep! I've always wanted a cool, soft-bright colored shirt (^_^)

All I got in this metal wardrobe of IIUM are plain black (bought during matric), striped grey (given by sis), striped black (bought for AGD 2006), navy blue (given by mom), purple (given by mom) and maroon (given by sis). Oh, don't forget THE orange shirt! It's a very beautiful shirt, picked by 4 picky young ladies :p Haha. Thanks, girls! but I only wore it once or twice :p How should I say this...ermm...it's too 'casanovic' for me to wear it on normal days. And there hasn't been any,ehem ehem, prestigous occasion since, ehem ehem, KOS Gala Nite (AGD 2007). Lagipun malas nak iron lah~ :p I like the purple one, but it needs heavy ironing, so I seldom wear it :p God, I'm soo terrible at ironing~ So terrible that I'm hating it. :(

Having bought those 2 shirts makes me feel really really jubilant, extremely happy, sooo blissful~ (^_^) It wasn't planned. We just went there to grab some KFC, then later we had a lil tour in the new mall, went into Parkson, and "Oh, Why don't I buy a shirt?...Yeah...Why don't I...hmmm...no reason not to...I've always wanted a light colored shirt...Yeyy!"

Didn't look around much for shirts, just a lil here and a lil there. Then I went straight for G2000. They always have great selections - Simple-yet-stylish designs, vibrant colors, and nice cuts. Just what I needed. And they sure lived up to my expectation ;)

I suck at buying shirts. As far as I remember, the only shirt I bought by myself was the plain black one. Haha. And no more image consultants a.k.a 4 picky young ladies to help me this time. Those guys I ate KFC with, didn't really help much :p I was basically on my own this time, and the shirt wasn't plain black... (I know, this is not your worst case scenario, but mind u, it was to me, really~ :p)

Well...it wasn't that bad, coz I've chosen the shirt I want, so the problem then was just the size. Even so, I kept asking the salesgirl each time I tried a shirt on. Is it OK? Do I look good? Does it fit me? Should I try a smaller size? Bigger size? What do you think, S or M? This one is better or the previous was? and I kept on thinking with my clueless mind~ huhu. I know it's her job, but it's pretty nice of her to help. Ok, MJ23 (one of the friends I ate KFC with) helped a bit too, by being there waiting patiently. Huhu.

When I was about to pay for the shirt, she said, "There's a promotion. If you buy 2, it's RM149." One is RM89...*Congak2 dlm kepala jap* I looked at MJ23. A few words (less than 10 words) of encouragement from him (which I already forget now), then I go, "OK, let's pick another one!" Seeing me clueless again, the salesgirl suggested, "How bout THIS? It looks young and lively." My answer? "OK." (^_^)

I haven't felt sooo contented for a very long time. Have you ever do jigsaw puzzle? The 1000, or 5000 pieces. Once in a while there would be one piece that is so hard to find. Then you just ignored it and continue with others. After a while, u suddenly decided to search for it again, and there it is, right under your nose. Not just that. After u fit it in, it gives you a complete picture of something. A complete mesmerizing maple tree, for example. (^_^)

I've wanted the shirt for years. And now I have 2! Now that I have those two in my wardrobe, my wardrobe seems whole lot lively and fresh (^_^) And guess what, they are WRINKLE-FREE!!~ (^_^)(^_^)(^_^)

Footnote: Next, a pair of black WRINKLE-FREE pants! (^_^)

The Scandal Behind The Scandals, And An Appreciation

Haaahhh~ what a busy week~ nothing much to do, but I just felt busy. Do some part time job (data entry, and it's killing me~), went home every weekend, lepak at computer lab. I watched lotsa movie too lately. Gridiron Gang, Hoodwinked, I Know Who Killed Me, Jumper, Juno, Kickin' It Old School, Lawyer Lawyer, Layer Cake, Let's Go To Prison, Lucky You, Open Season, Surfs Up, The Covenant, The Brave One, The Condemned, and Bee Movie. Before all that, I had The Mist, 27 Dresses, and a Malay movie Anak Halal. There's also a documentary - Zeitgeist, you gotta watch this one! Then you'll know why the wars shall never ceased. I really love Juno. Nice movie, simple, lovely songs, good script, dan main character dia yang sempoi~ (^_^)

I haven't updated in quite a while, have I? Well, I did wrote a couple of things, but don't feel like posting 'em. I bloghopped a little. Seems like more youngsters are into blogging these days. A warm welcome to them (^_^) Some of my friends are still actively blogging, keep it up, guys! But sadly *sigh*, some blogs are all dusty and full of spider webs~ come back and tidy it up!! :p

All the hoppings made me reminisced back into the old days, a couple of years ago, when I started blogging. Thanks to Pojan, he helped a lot in those early days. And of course, earlier bloggers such as Arshana and Ati, thanks. Luckily I have basic HTML. The template had been changed 3 times if I'm not mistaken. I think I'm gonna stick with this one for another year or more. It's pretty, isn't it?

I never had a diary. I was afraid somebody would read my diary. Haha, funny, I know. Macam la blog ni takde orang boleh baca :p and I have a very bad handwriting. Plus, it's hard to keep a diary. So, I thought it might be nice to have a blog as a diary.

I started with Reaching Stardom as my very first entry. That was in August 2005!!! Wow, another 3 months and Scandals in Lutfi's Life will celebrate its 3rd birthday!~ Haha. Anyway, I didn't intend to reach stardom, it's just that it sounded good as the title of my very first post :p

I am writing not for my self-satisfaction, not for expressing my feelings to the world. Neither for glory, nor for the fame. It's good if I get paid though...huhu. I am purely writing a diary of my life, and I am writing this diary especially for her to read. But of course you guys can read it too. Make yourself at home! ;) Huhu. I remember dedicating this blog to her in my first entry. Oh, if you're wondering who she is, she's my future wife (^_^) God knows if she's already reading this~

I'm a cold guy. Well, I used to be a really cold guy. Yeah, cold, not cool~ haha. My life is kinda like a purple color, a lil mysterious. I didn't really talk much. That's why, another reason for me blogging is to share something with my close friends.

Yeah, back then I expected no more than 10 people to be reading my blog. Just some close friends. I didn't go out there and advertise my blog wherever I go. I did, however, post a bulletin once in friendster. But that's it and that was a very long time ago, it didn't help anyway~ I certainly didn't expect many comments on my entries either. But it's good that my friends were supportive. Thank you.

Now, I don't know how many people are reading my blog, but it certainly is more than 10. Some said,"Hey, I read your blog." Then I go,"Huh???" Huhu. Got a lot of comments sometimes, even anonymous comments. I dunno, some may be bored with what I wrote in this blog. That's OK. But I'm glad to know that some readers enjoyed reading 'em. Some said they were inspired by what I wrote. I thought they were kidding at first, then they started telling me how I inspired them. Then I said to myself, "God, I really did that?" But then, it's all from Him, isn't it? (^_^) Recently, someone said "Oh, Lutfi has a soft side after all...". Ampeh~ Muahaha :p

This is my diary, so most of what's written here are from myself. I may be inspired by something else, but the words are my own. I use English, so that I can improve my 2nd language, bit by bit. I suck at describing situations in English, but I feel more comfortable conveying my feelings and thoughts through it. I rarely quote from other people, you know, like from Shakespeare or Gandhi or the president of Guatemala etc. 99.5% of what I wrote are truly mine. I always try to put feelings in my writings, coz I want her to enjoy reading this later. And I usually talk about myself, and my thoughts. After all, it's a diary, isn't it?

To all the ladies, and to all the gentlemen. Thank you for spending your precious time visiting this not-stupendous blog of mine, and thank you for all the comments you laid to me. Even though it's a diary, it's good to have you guys around to share it with. I truly appreciate.

The breakup songs : Chapter 1

[Background song while I'm writing this: Dan Sebenarnya, by Yuna, but disumbangkan by Zack (my roomate)]

After the SHE series (refer to archive July and August 2007), I haven't really talk about my breakup, have I? Hmmm...more than a year has passed since the day she let me go. Nothing much, it's just that I've been thinking a bit, about how I've been doing throughout this one year. Wiser, yes. Better, too ;)

BEFORE

I wasn't an introvert, but more like a 'close' person. I don't socialize much with girls, except with the friends I'm very familiar with. Not because I couldn't, but it's because I wouldn't. My instinct told me to keep my distance from the other gender. Why? I didn't really know why. It just felt safer that way.

I wasn't a really bad muslim. A lil bad perhaps, with some bad deeds here and there. What can I say~ Average human with flaws. Huhu :p

As a person, putting aside my action and reaction towards girls, I think I'm a pretty nice dude. The guys who really knew me back then would say I'm a decently nice guy :p

DURING

I started to open myself up a bit. I dunno, it just felt safer with her attached to me. My heart was with her, so other girls couldn't do anything to it. Hence, I started to get to know my female colleagues. No other agenda, simply for the sake of friendship, catching up a couple of years that I had missed.

I think I was a better muslim. Well, I did a couple of big mistakes, in which I very very much regretted later. But in terms of faith, I wouldn't know for sure coz it's His judgment, but I think I was closer to Him than before. Even after she did what she did, I still reach out for her. I loved her for the sake of Allah. That's how I always thought about us, though in the end I was not appreciated. Did I not try hard enough...? I wondered.

As a person...I think I got nicer as well. Now it's ok to be kind to everyone, regardless of their genders. I even got myself a nice lil' sis.

AFTER

I'm still being open. I did consider going back to the me before, but I think I am wise enough to handle my relationship with anyone now. A little insecure though, because I've taken my heart back from her and keep it with me. It's a little wobbly in my care :p Nonetheless, I manage to keep it safe to this very day.

Yes, a much better muslim. I learnt from my mistakes. I have a stronger faith, I'd say. But I really have to work on the practical part. Dah lama tak puasa sunat ni. Selalu subuh ala elephant plak tu~ tsk tsk tsk~

Still a nice person....though many may disagree :p

I'm holding back a little. Gotta be careful with what I do. Since this blog is read by many, let's not venture much into this part ;)

I am student

I've submitted my thesis, 4 days after the due date yeyy! Yepyep, I'm the only one who submitted late. Funny, during that one week, I watched lots of movies, I read manga, went to KL, went on a field trip with the juniors, clean my room (haha), eat out a lot, and God knows what else I've been doing but my thesis! But in the end, I'm still satisfied with my finally submitted thesis (^_^)

Life has been different, I guess. I simply wanna enjoy life as a plain, normal, average student. Below average, sometimes :p Ever since the 2nd year of my student life, there were things on my shoulder, things in my mind, things in my hands. It got heavier in my 3rd year, and during my 4th year, God, it's heavy. Study for a science degree, having a not-so-understanding girlfriend, and at the same time being someone everyone are depending on, God, it's heavy.

People have high expectations from you. You have to know lotsa things, you have to talk a lot, you have to know everything, you have to care about everything, keep track of things. You have to squeeze your brain constantly, to think, think and keep thinking. You have to think for other people's sake, never yours. You have to finish your assignments as well, write your reports, and study for quizzes and exams, you cannot fail!

You have to know people, you have to keep people together, you have to solve other people's fights. You even have to wear a more-than-proper attire, people are looking at you, watching you. Lutfi, wear shoes! You have to set a good example.

You have to have time, even when there is none. Sacrifice a lil bit of these, and a lil bit of those, and a lil bit of these and those. You have a mother, living alone at home. And you were saying to yourself, shouldn't you be putting a smile on her face instead of everybody else's face? Dilemma, here and there and everywhere. You have a girlfriend, Oh, no, now you don't have her anymore. Perhaps, you were too busy back then? REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING MENTIONED ABOVE, YOU HAVE TO SMILE SINCERELY.

But believe me, it was in my 4th year that I truly felt blessed. I had great nakama (it's japanese, it means comrades, companions) and I had wonderful friends. I still have them all! I got to know my juniors. I'm closer to my seniors. I had tonnes of joyous moments. I had great experiences. I grew up, more than I could imagine. My 4th year was heavy, yes, but no regret whatsoever, not a slight of regret.

Now, time has passed. I'm no longer attached to all those have-tos. The baton had been passed to someone far greater than I was. I have faith in him (^_^) Hence, I am rest assured and can really enjoy my normal 'student' life now (even though I'll be graduating a few weeks from now :p). It's just as great as last year, but whole lot lighter. No exams, no girlfriend and no one is expecting anything from me.

I'm not a student anymore. But it just feels sooo good to act like an average student. As light as a feather, I feel like floating whereever I go, and in whatever I do. I'm going home more often. I don't have to think as much about other people, for other people. I can act stupid, like a know-nothing brat. Not that many people know me now. And I'm not treated like a somebody anymore. I'm the same as everyone else yeyy! I wear what I feel like wearing. Hey, I wear jeans and t-shirt to functions, and wait for the free food after the programmes, like any other students! I don't have to give speeches! Lalalalalaaa~ No more dealing with VIPs or having to enjoy refreshments with them instead of with my friends! Most importantly, I HAVE MORE TIME FOR MYSELF! Huahaha~ carefree~ life is indeed great, and it's getting even better everyday! (^_^)V

undeserving

My thesis is less than 20% complete while most of my friends already submitted their drafts to respective supervisors. Who am I kidding? So help me God~ Err..but God doesn't help the people who's not putting any effort! I don't think I'm on his list-to-be-helped yet. Ok, then. God, please enlighten me a little so that I would put my best effort! Somehow I feel a lil better now(^_^) Chayo chayo lutfi!

Ok, putting my thesis issue aside, I'd like to talk about something else!

My sister once told me that she didn't deserve a brother like me. And I said to her How do you know if anybody deserves anything? How do you justify that? And how do you know I don't deserve a sister like you? We don't know all that, but I'm here, so accept and enjoy.

Yeah, I was the one saying that, but now I'm having the same problem. People are being nice to me lately. Too nice and kind that I felt undeserving. Zali suddenly bought me a BigMac a few days ago. Nyum2! An acquaintance bought me those nice karipap peramu that I really love. An old companion gave me a Hush Puppies shirt! Lovely! (^_^). A friend just gave me home made Tom Yam for dinner tonite, damn delicious I wanna cry~. Not to mention all those birthday presents I received previously from my closest friends. My sis has been giving me too many stuffs, I lost count :p

Is it karma or is it sorta like good things that happen before something bad takes place? Well, it couldn't be karma. Ask anyone (but my sis), they'd say I am everything, except kind. Someone has been telling me that I'm a pain in the ass, and that I'm also cruel and stingy. I agree :p Plus, at this moment, being kind would bring troubles. My wish needs me to be cruel :)

All in all, if it isn't karma...Then, something really bad may happen to me after this. I better be prepared (^_^)


P/s: if you wanna give a comment, make me look as bad as possible ;)

minit-minit terakhir

My final year project presentation went ok last Friday :) I was a bit (actually, very) sleepy that morning , though. I had to pull an all-nighter preparing the presentation slides. Yep, no sleep~ Now, now, don't mistakenly think that I'm a hardworking student. I just had to stay up all night coz I started preparing the slides just that Thursday morning. Haha, the funny thing is, I only managed to complete a single slide all day long.

When I have a personal academic thing to do like exams, presentations, quizzes and so on, I tend to be doing something else, unnecessary things, wasting my times etc. Such as?...chatting with friends, munching some snacks, 'lepak-lepak', 'jalan-jalan', reading manga, watch a movie, sorting files on my computer, looking at old pictures, listening to songs, anything. As long as my mind says 'i still have time~', the progress would be near 0%. Or it really is 0%...?

SO, I ended up really concentrating on doing my slides at midnight! Was it at 12am? No, no, choosing the slide design took me another hour, if not more, huhu. There were a couple of mistakes in the slides, but having it done in one night, I'm more than satisfied. The marks I got didn't matter (^_^)

Yes, I admit, I'm a lazy bum :p But somehow, i think the intense pressure just excites me. It's like all sorts of hormones (except estrogen :p) are pumping out at the time. It's like taking drugs, making me high or something :p And all the neurons in the brain are charging each other up. It's stimulating, I think my brain works better under pressure. I have better focus, better creative ideas.

*sigh* I couldn't even comprehend myself. Why can't I just do my works earlier like everyone else? Why do I like to procrastinate? Why do I like to waste my time, especially at critical times like that?! Always doing things at the very last minute. It's obviously insane~ Not to mention risky! I have to change somehow, or I may end up having a heart attack~ God forbid!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion,

My ex-future wife (yes,that's how serious I was), I wished her birthday, though it's a bit late. I'd like us to continue as friends, but I don't think she's up for it. We agreed to be friends a couple of times before, and then we spoilt it again and again, arguing. The shattered pieces of trust can never be found again, I guess.

Wishlist 2008

Resolution seems too concrete. Not doing it would give me a guilty feeling. So, I consider them as wishes :) Another thing is, my head is all filled up with my final year project labworks, presentation and thesis writing. Therefore, I only manage to think of these for now~

1. I hope I can stay single and available
2. I wanna exercise more often.
3. I wanna have loads more fun!
4. I don't wanna miss the time for Subuh prayer anymore and I'll try not to sleep after subuh
5. By the end of 2008, I'll have at least RM5000 in my account.
6. I wanna buy a bicycle, or maybe I should just repair the old one :p
7. Try to recite al-Quran at least 2 pages daily.
8. I want to go to Merapoh and meet Iqah, Wanie and Kira. Oh, I miss them tenderly~
9. I want to visit my foster family at Sabak Bernam.
10. At least confirm my place at a foreign University.
11. I wanna read more books (novels not included~)
12. I wanna visit a foreign Asian country.
13. Ice skating, paintball, go-kart, white water rafting...what else??
14. Wanna buy something special for ma & my kak long (if i got my paycheck lah~). Hmm..what would it be...
15. I wanna master things at the lab, like everything is at my fingertip.
16. I wanna learn using adobe photoshop and flash and anything alike.
17. Should I buy a new handphone? Hmm...dunno yet~

Recently

Wah~ it's so good to be free! No longer being a public figure, I can do what I want, wear what I want, and care less about other things but myself!

I'm still struggling with my Final Year Project (FYP). But I don't hate being in the lab :)

I feel sleepy and tired earlier at night. But i'm still staying up late. Why oh why~

I dine out a lot recently and my money is depleting~ but I'm eating good food with good friends :)

I had a nice long breakfast with my sis :)

I applied for lab demonstrator, but that won't happen till I finish my FYP and pay up all my pending compounds~ stupid UIA~ (for giving stupid compounds)

I recently started gathering ideas for my dream house (^_^)

Me and Zali discovered an incredibly nice hot karipap in Kuantan (specifically at Peramu, go grab it guys!) And we love the satar at Peramu too~ nyum nyum~

I went 'jalan-jalan' to Pekan last weekend, the so-called 'Bandar Diraja'. Err, Royal City? Royal Town? Heck, I don't know. Anyway, listen to my advice, don't bother to go there~

My room and my desk are still as they have always been. Hmm...I won't say they're in a mess. Just a bit untidy :p

The room has 4 compartments and we have our own lamps. I always stay up late, most of the times till 2am. And Pojan (my roomate) is starting to get on my nerve by asking me to turn off MY light every night. For God's sake, go buy one of those eye patches or blindfold your damn eyes! I'm using MY computer and I need MY light! (sori pojan :p)

I always missed the time for Subuh prayer. Gotta find a way to fix that! An alarm clock? Huh, my handphone just doesn't cut it~ Gotta instil the determination to wake up every night before I sleep! Or should I just sleep earlier? (Oh it's so difficult to go to bed early~)

I've been listening a lot to Daughtry (Over You), Colbie Caillat (Bubbly), Plain White T's (Hey There Delilah), Letto (Sebelum Cahaya), Fool's Garden (Lemon Tree, acoustic version), Aqualung (Strange & Beautiful).

New manga i've read are MxO and Kekkaishi. Highly recommended!

Movies I've watched recently are Enchanted, Stardust, Stranger Than Fiction, Smokin' Aces, Because I said so, City of God, My Wife is 18 and Wicker Park (for the 2nd time).

When I go online, I would be browsing my blog, my friends' blogs. I'd be checking my Friendster account and also my e-mails. I have 3 e-mail accounts - gmail, yahoo mail and hotmail. Oh one more, I'll be reading One Piece on MSN group.

It rains everyday recently, and I'm loving it! But...i don't think my nose would agree with me. i have resdung (something close to sinusitis). So, I tend to get runny nose, or sometimes my nostrils just got blocked with God-knows-what and I couldn't breathe through em!

It's been pretty cold due to the rain. I'm wearing my beloved sweater almost everyday. Najihah gave it to me as my birthday present last year. It warms up my body, as well as my heart :)

Kak N (my elder sis) bought a Ball Phyton as her new pet! Not cheap. RM400 wooo~ She wanna buy one for me as my birthday present but I don't really have the commitment to take care of it. So I said no :p

My FYP supervisor is going to further his study (PhD) in UK, so we held a farewell BBQ party for him. Guess what we wrote on the cake... - "BOLEH BLAH!"

The farther I want to be, the closer I get. And resisting is one thing I'm not good at. Still, resisting and denying I am. I'm restraining myself from falling in love~ So help me God.

November 21st

My life changed a lot since last year. Having a special girlfriend (at that time) made me feel secured. I wasn't afraid anymore. I started to open myself up more and more. Having a high position in the Science Students' Society, that needed me to open myself up whole lot more. Having these two big things in my life, I couldn't contain my true self anymore. So here I am now, 'truly loved' by some, and 'truly loved and slightly hated at the same time' by most :p

22nd November 2007, 5.52pm. I suddenly got a call from a colleague, Kak Sofie.

"Lutfi, the car broke down. The engine won't start. We're at Taman Bandar. Help!"

Well, the call wasn't that short, I even called her back after that, but that's the gist of it :p So Fauzan and I tried to find a 'jumper', u know, a pair of cables used to start a car engine using the battery of another car. We managed to borrow it from a security guard. Haha. I was on the phone with my Kak Long when we reach there, so I just let Fauzan do the work. After I hung up and turned to them..."Happy Birthday!!!" Kak Sofie, Nurul, Ann, Arshana, Mun, Sitot, Isma, and of course, Fauzan. Err..my batch only have 3 guys including me :p I got a brand new watch, an innocent-looking champaigne-colored tie and the yummiest sweetest chocolates! lalalalalaa~ Thank you very very much!! Oh, don't forget that delicious cake! TQ!

Surprised, surprised. I honestly didn't know how to react. I did not sure which feeling should I be feeling. Happy? Touched? Overjoyed? Or perhaps, scared? I honestly did not sure. I was kinda numb for a while. It wasn't that unexpected, but I was dumbfounded nevertheless. I was happy and touched, but i think I was scared as well. Scared of what...? I had no idea.

My birthday is on the 21st of November. My sisters wished me. My mother wished me as well. My bestfriend called me from Germany. I truthfully didn't expect to be celebrated, wished, or even remembered on my birthday other than by my mother and my sisters. To be frank, I actually tried to avoid it. A week before my birthday, I changed my date of birth in my friendster account. I agreed to switch my simcard with my sister who was going to Germany for a week. Razali wished me in the morning of 21st. Luckily he was already on his way to KL, I told him not to tell anyone else. I went to the lab and did my work on my final year project (FYP) like every other day. I tried to talk normally with my friends at the lab, in my heart hoping that they wouldn't remember. I usually asked them the day's date, to label my samples. But that day and the day after, I avoided asking them. I avoided going out with them, thinking that the less they see me, the less chance they will remember my birthday. And they certainly fooled me, acting like it was just another ordinary frustrating day of doing FYP. Haha. I didn't know what was it that I was so afraid of, and why I thought and acted that way. After the day ended, it was a big relief. Thank God they didn't remember!

The 22nd was just like the day before. Only that my FYP co-supervisor called wishing me happy birthday. He asked me whether everyone else knew, and I immediately answered YES, NO NEED TO REMIND THEM. I thought I was already 'safe'. Well, that late afternoon, my friends proved me wrong.

I kept thinking what was it that I was so scared of, why I was afraid for them to remember my birthday. Yes, if they remembered my birthday, then I have to remember theirs, and I'm soo not good in remembering anything~ Yep, If they gave me any present, then I would have to give them something on their birthday too~ Or perhaps, I would pity them if their prank on me didn't work, oh that would be sad~

I finally found my answer. Surprisingly, none of the above really matters.

Funny, I was actually afraid to be loved. I was afraid to know that I am loved by the people around me. I was afraid to realize that I am loved by my friends THAT much. And what truly scared me the most was that I do not know whether I am loving them as much as they love me, and whether I have been treating them as nice as how they treat me. But now I know one thing for sure. They are family. And I absolutely love them as much as they love me, if not more. And each of them has a special place in my heart, always. Thank you Allah for leading me to them. Sofie, Arshana, Azhane, Munirah, Siti Fatimah, Isma, Nurul, and Fauzan, this piece is for u guys. Love y'all so much!