Lutfi, in Dilemma

Last night was very...blues.

Darn.

It's been quite a while since my last 'blues night'. U know, thinking deeply about life and relationship.

I'm not talking about the lovey-dovey thing here. However, it's close to that. But not exactly it.

I was studying for my environmental biotech quiz. Sambil dengar lagu jay chou and at the same time enjoying the soothing night. Then, out of a sudden, somebody crossed my mind. Ganggu je aku nak study....

It's a promise. A promise made about 5 years ago.

I've been holding to this promise ever since. Barely holding. Never ever had a chance to grab it tight. Tak tahulah salah di pihak siapa. Or maybe it's nobody's fault.

I never did take the promise as a play or something as to fill up my pasttime. In fact, I did take it seriously. Even though i'm not the one who requested this promise. I sincerely accepted and willing to commit to it.

I do meet that person once or twice a year. But as days go by, the promise seems to be fading as well. At least from my view, it is. I don't know what's on that person's mind.

The promise should make us closer to each other. Instead, We're getting more far apart.

I can't reach. That person didn't reach me too. I don't know whether the person tried or not.

When I remembered the promise, it makes my life miserable. Coz I don't think I'm fulfilling it. Nor did I try. I can't find the opportunity to even try. Was I given the opportunity? I didn't see any.

I don't want any more of this miserable promise.

Maybe the person doesn't even need it anymore. That's why things turn out to be like this.

I've been thinking hard, and deep.

I've decided.

Let go. I guess that's the best thing I should do. Let go of the promise.

It's only a matter of time till I see this person again.

The day we meet again, will be the day I break the promise. And let go.

Lutfi prejudges and is prejudged

Hmmm...hmmm...hmmm...dah lama tak update blog nie...rasa janggal plak...

Well...many things happened in this one n a half month...this new semester...new subjects...new tasks...new year...and many other new things...even new people...new faces...new friends...

Some of them are not really new frens. I've noticed their existence before, but they seemed a bit far away...Fortunately, they are getting closer. And closer.

Sometimes, it makes u wonder...when u first meet somebody, how do u appear to them? I mean, what's ur first impression? how about their first impression? How do they look at u? Can we get along? u know, things like that. And most of the times, we prejudge. Is that a bad thing?

Some of my friends asked how i thought of them when we first met. I found it difficult to answer. It's vague, I can't remember. I wondered why. Then I figured out why.

Personally, I don't think prejudge is wrong. It's a human nature. I don't think it can be avoided, by any means. At least for a second u meet someone new, u will prejudge.

What makes prejudge bad is if u stick to ur prejudgement all the time u're with that person. Even worse, when ur prejudgement turn out to be totally the opposite, u'll get that pathetic feeling. Like u are the worse being.

and so, I've found my answer. I do prejudge. But then I put it in the recycle bin. As a human, u can't just remove all ur memory, can u? Unless ur hard disk accidentally crash. God forbid.

Most of the times, I don't really care how people think of me. Except in formal occasion, because it involves other parties. But if it's just about me, I don't and I won't give a damn. I've heard a few prejudgement on me, told by my former-strangers-but-now-friends. I can really laugh about it. Coz in the end they found out that they were wrong. Totally. Hey, whoever read this, why don't u tell me what do u think of me the first time we met? That would be fun, i guess. It tickles.