I Owe You But You Don't Own Me

Women are objects. True?
Not? Then, men are objects. True?

How about I put it this way - You can own a non-blood-related person without having to marry them. Yeah, since we are objects, we can be tossed around, we can be bought and we can be traded. We can be owned with just money and effort. Hey, how about I pay you $10000 for you to be my property? Or even better, hey you poor lil orphan girl uncle will love you and take good care of you, but when you turn 18 10 years from now you must marry this kind and loving uncle of yours who is then almost reaches 50.

Is that how things are? I owe you so you own me? Sick.

What rights do we have to claim a person as our personal property?

And what rights do we have to stop her from leaving our side? No matter how much love we have poured onto her, no matter how much effort we put in for her, no matter how much money and time we have spent for her, what rights do we have??

Sometimes people talk about rights and justice on behalf of others, even when they only know half the story. Hey u killed a kind-hearted and pious person, that's bad, sinful and totally immoral!~ (I don't care how it happened and I don't care what your reason was, you are deemed guilty!) You see, we like to judge and prejudge, and make assumptions too, on top of that. And of course, if the dead guy looks like a nice person on the surface, he is without a doubt the victim.

Alright, those above are extreme analogies. But what about in delicate issues such as love..?

How much does a heart worth? How much do you have to pay to own a person's heart? I don't think you can. It can't be bought, nor can it be traded. We can try putting in our very best effort, but a heart resonates with another heart when it feels like it. God knows how. You can't force a heart to move with money and effort. You can't force love.

Hey, I did all those things for you, you are supposed to give me your heart in return.

Yeah I probably should...but my heart doesn't resonates for yours...Do I still have to give you my heart..? Do I just ignore what it wants and give it to you anyway? For what you have done for me on your own accord and personal expectation, do I sell my own happiness?

You Can't Have It All

I am not trying to impose a negative vibe into your veins. I am merely stating a truth that hurts. Out of 100 things that you want to have (or do) in life, perhaps only 50 would end up as yours. If you try hard, you might get 60. If you try harder, does 70 sounds satisfactory? Even harder, maybe 80, or 90. But know this, no matter how hard you try, the most you could get is 99. Never a hundred. Mind you, I am not talking about exam or game scores. Haha.

Even if you did get 99. That 1 last thing in your list might be the one thing that you want the most. Yes, the 100th thing that you just cannot grab might actually be the 1st in your long list.

We all have minds and hearts of our own, feelings and thoughts. We all have dreams and wishes too. We are attracted to something everyday. And perhaps once in your lifetime, you are attracted to someone? What if it's that one thing that you just cannot have? Would it hurt a lot when the truth hits you? I bet it would hurt. A lot, if you can't accept the fact that you can't have it all.

But sometimes you just don't know when to stop hoping and wishing. And as you go along, you keep hurting yourself in many ways. You might get disappointed with life. God is not fair, you may think.

But I think God is fair because nobody can have everything. If you can have everything that you want, the world would be in chaos. Some things are not meant to be yours. It belongs to somebody else. Truth hurts, it usually does. However, if those things are not meant to be yours, something else are definitely waiting for you. So don't stop there, keep looking.

Maybe the 100th thing that you can't have really is the 100th thing in your list, and so it doesn't matters much if you don't have it. And nobody says you can't have the 1st and the most important thing in your list. You won't know till you try and grab it with all your strength. I'm sure my future wife would tell you the same thing :p Perhaps, it is made for you, meant for you. In fact, that's the fun part of being alive and free, the fun part of being human. So enjoy the process. If in the end you find out that it is not for you, what can I say, you just can't have it all.

Blessing In Disguise

Things turned out rather unexpectedly for me, in many occasions. Makes me think that blessings always wear masks. Ugly masks. We seldom try to look behind the mask. Try to take it off and there lies a fair and beautiful blessing. Always.

Things don't always go the way you want them to be. Life can be like ABC, but it's usually like A TO Z. There are 24 more letters in between. F word is always around. There's a big L too. There's also the always-perplexing X. Even if you ask Y, sometimes there's just no answer. B who? B where? B what? Only U can decide. Or U can choose to end up as an S. All I know, this is a beautiful world, there's a lot to C. M not gonna let things stop at the big L. Sometimes you wonder if it's the N and you should stop there. No, there's more. Don't stop till you reach Z, where you can rest and sleep peacefully with a big smile on your face.

Bagai matahari selepas hujan
Memancar cahaya meniti gerimis
Melakar pelangi di awangan

Have faith, coz the light will come out eventually. And rain isn't such a bad thing. Enjoy every moment, even when it's raining. Don't hate it. Coz the rainbow wouldn't be there if the rain didn't fall first. Go out, and dance in the rain.

Bits of Mind

Lately, lotsa things just popped up in my mind every now and then. Always felt like writing them all down. The feeling, the mood was there. But since I'm super busy these couple of weeks, I didn't have time to blog. Funny, now that I have a lil time to write something, there's nothing in my mind. Blank. And I don't even have the feeling to write. Urghhh!! I'm such a forgetful guy, and am not so good at recollecting memories. Huhu :p Here's a portion that I managed to crack out of my forgetful mind. God knows there's a lot more~ but here's a tiny bit.

• Dear JPJ, can't you see all those black smoke coming out from the exhaust pipe~ or all you care is nothing but the road tax??
• You who like to litter, I despise you.
• Hey environmentalists, get your asses into politics and economies, you'll have all the sources needed to change the world. Seriously.

• Pakcik-pakcik dan abang-abang, Imam suruh rapatkan saf, bukan besarkan kuda-kuda mu itu~
• If u're a bloody smoker, and you eat kari, please don't come to the mosque~ Please.

• Which one is the hardest? Getting, keeping or letting go? To me, now, letting go is the easiest part. Keeping is the hardest. Oh, dilemma~
• Simpati? Ada. Sayang? Sangat. Cinta? Tiada.

This is a lousy post. I know. Haha. Still, it means something to me. Anyway, this blog is already 3 years old. I wish to write an anniversary entry and make some changes. Then again. I don't have much time. I could hardly catch my breath. See you in a while. After raya, maybe? Huhu.

******************

I remembered a few more :p

• I hate wars. Star Wars not included tho. Why do we have wars~ It is never inevitable, and always avoidable. And those people who deliberately spark the wars and make profit out of it? Intelligent creature they are. Despicable scum they are too.
• A big sigh everytime people make Islam a difficult religion. Many times have I seen people couldn't seem to have a 'perfect' niah for their solah. Some had their takbiratul ihram only like 10 times before they were truly satisfied. And each time with an aggressive expression of sorta like trying to catch a bird flying right in front of them. *Terganggu khusyuk aku* And that made me wondered...adakah Islam itu agama yang mudah bagi mereka...? Coz niah is the fundamental beginning of everything. If it's already that difficult...then... *sigh*
• If you have any intention of spitting on the street or on the sidewalk or any place where people passes through, you better suck it back in. Don't give me another reason to despise someone. I don't wanna be stepping on your filthy saliva.
• I'm missing a few people - 2 seniors and a schoolmate. And I'm missing a couple of birthday boys and birthday gals too. Guez I'm just too slow to catch up with em. Gosh! Forgot to send a kad raya to my sis~ huhu. Err...sory sis? :p
• I can't keep it at the moment, but I might wanna have it later when I'm ready to keep it. I'm thinking that it would be better off without me now. For its sake, I wanna let it go. But it's small hand is already grasping my finger. *sigh* Guess letting go isn't that easy either...
  

Super Update! Taman Negara + Kenyir + Wedding

KENYIR

I came back home from Taman Negara at noon of the 10th of August, Sunday. Had a short rest, then I punched in for work in the afternoon. As I walked into the office, I saw my big boss talking to a colleague of mine. As I was about to walk pass them, he called for me, saying "Lutfi, nak pergi Kenyir?"

"Err...nak!!...?" (^_^)

The trip was for a research project totally unrelated to me. Huhu. Two nights (12-14th August 2008). Free transportation, free accomodation (Resort, beb! Bukan khemah~) and most importantly, free good meals :D Talk about being lucky :p Lalalalalaaa~

----------------------------------------------------

TAMAN NEGARA

I joined the J.R.E. II. Or u may read it as Jungle River Ecology: Level two. From 4-9th of August 2008. Location? Taman Negara Pahang! (^_^) Since I did my internship at the Institute of Biodiversity (IBD) Lanchang, I was invited to be a volunteer for the program. You don't play-play ah, national level wooo~ Jointly organized by PERHILITAN, NRE, and Ministry of Education.

Well, it wasn't as fun and as challenging as I thought it would be. I was expecting students to be the participants, but they all turned out to be teachers~ And almost all are 30+ years old~ Huhu. The jungle trekking was easy peasy. But I had my fun anyway in that one week, and I think it's totally worth it (^_^) Hey, free holiday in Taman Negara with free good food and place to stay~ that's what matters most. Huhu :D

I leave the details and pics to Tuan Caracol, k. What I'd like to say about the trip is, it was totally worth it! Not coz of the program itself, but it's due to the chance of meeting the people that I had left 2 years ago - The staffs I met and learnt from in IBD. Puan Noni, Pak Andak, En. Syukri, En. Khairul, En. Ki, Pak Din and Cik Dila. My internship with them 2 years ago taught me a lot about life, and we had so much fun then!

I don't know bout their academic qualifications, whether all of them have degrees or diplomas or SPM or none. Those things don't matter. I never care. What I do know is, they are people with lotsa experience. The kinda experience that you don't learn in schools and universities. Some of them even have better ways of thinking than university students. Creativity? You might lose to them. Critical thinking? They could in fact teach you the right way to think. Huhu.

So what defines us? It's definitely not your certificates. It's your mind and heart. I ain't gonna respect you just because u have the certs. Dear readers, don't you dare look down on someone just because they have a lower academic qualification than you. Respect people equally. Don't prejudge. Certs won't do you any good if you have a rotten heart~

Oh, on our way back we dropped by at Merapoh. I got to meet dearest Wanie, Kira and Jannah! (^_^) I was super duper happy! My wish came true! Well...partly, coz sadly Iqah went for a school trip. Huu~ didn't get to meet her~ Love em like they're my own kids! Huhu

--------------------------------------------------------

WEDDING

1 month before 16th August 2008
"Lutfi, jemput la datang kenduri kawin aku 16hb Ogos"
= 1 wedding to attend

1 week before 16th August 2008
"Luppi, tau dok Sya (my ex-classmate) kawin minggu depan?"
= 2 weddings to attend

2 days before 16th August 2008
"Luppi, Diyana Husna kawin gok ari Sabtu ni."
= 3 weddings to attend

On the 16th of August 2008
"Lutfi, kita gi kenduri kawin member aku skali."
= 4 weddings to attend!

Dah la aircond kereta tak berfungsi~ I got back home with a severe headache and a totally worn out body. But glad that I made it to all four weddings (^_^)v

Who Do U Tell Your Stories To?

When you're gazing on the beautiful full moon on a cold yet heart-warming night, you would wanna tell someone about it. What you did, where you went, who you met, whatever happened or will happen to you, you would wanna tell it to someone. Be it your mum & dad, brothers or sisters, friends or lover(s). But I don't.

People like to talk about themselves. They always have stories to tell. But not me, I'm a lousy storyteller. And I don't think what happens in my life are of any importance to others. Sometimes I regret it after telling my life stories to others. Coz I'd think it wasn't important at all. Blogging is excluded, though. Coz blogging is more like writing a diary and letting others read it on their own free will.

I'm actually a quiet person. Despite how some of you have known me as, I am so not a talkative guy. I could be one, but I'm naturally not one. I suck at storytelling, I'm naturally not good at talking, but I do able to talk about ideas and facts. Even so, I would always prefer listening to talking. Sometimes I talk and tell only coz I feel the need to.

I enjoy looking at things. I enjoy listening to people. I hate people nagging at me, though. Huhu. Can't say I don't enjoy talking. I just don't feel like telling people about myself all of a sudden. I don't mind replying, responding and sharing in the means of talking. But I wouldn't prefer to start a conversation. You ask me and I shall answer kindly, it's always been that way to me. If you reach out your hand, I would gladly accept.

A couple of friends told me I wouldn't keep in touch with them if they didn't contact me first. I'm sorry. It's just me. But it doesn't mean I don't treasure you guys. I'm always glad if you guys keep in touch with me. And everytime you reach out for me, I'd definitely welcome you with my warmest heart (^_^)

Weddings

I have a few things to write right now. But here's a short one.

I've attended a couple of wedding receptions recently. One was my classmate's, and the other one was a friend from the same batch, but she took a different course. Next two weeks there'll be another one. Now this one will be my senior's wedding reception. He took the same course as I did. He'll be marrying his junior. Oh, his junior is my junior as well. Huhu :)

My faculty has 3 departments - Biotechnology, Computational & Theoritical Science, and Biomedical Science. I have lotsa friends from all three departments, be it juniors or seniors, and not to mention from my own batch. There are a few staffs that I'm close to as well. Referring to this paragraph and the previous, can you see where I'm getting at? It'll be tougher if you add up my ex-schoolmates. Huhu.

I just realized this yesterday...

I have to attend lots and lots of weddings!!

To all my friends who are reading this (and if they don't please help me relay the message), I have a request. Please consider to hold your wedding receptions in Kuala Terengganu!~ huhu

Just kidding :p No worries, as long as I have the money and the time, I'll definitely be there on the most glorious day of your wonderful life, the day u're crowned as kings and queens in your own kingdom! (^_^)v

Within 4 years from now, There'll be tonnes of weddings to attend! (Including my own! :p). Then the graph will go down and down...until I reach the age of 50+, the graph will rise up again! Huhu. Why? Coz then it'll be our kids' turn (^_^)

Born To Reign

"Wow, can't believe I made it through that..."

"How on earth did I manage to get out of such mess?!"

And sometimes I was simply speechless I could only laugh, "Ha.........Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" :D

Have you ever had the feeling that you are meant for something great? That He has a plan, and in that plan, YOU play one of the big roles?

The thought came to me sometimes - each time I survived an accident or an adventure and live to tell the tale; everytime I was in dire situations and in the end I managed to pull it through; the moment I was engulfed by the darkest sorrow and yet I could always see the light.

Studies, assignments, exams, all the last-minute works, friendships, relationships, brokenhearted, business, losses, sengkek, society, president, son, student, family, brother, lover, worker, research assistant, a mere person, bus accident, incidents, injuries, adventures, rock climbing, KT-KTN bicycle trip, final year project, thesis, works etc etc etc.

It's perplexing, yet so wonderful. I wonder how I am still alive and well after an incident, why I am always OK with whatever shortcomings, and why I am still standing and smiling. The irony is, after everything, I was always glad that they ever happened to me. The work of God is always a work of art, isn't it? Just look at the Quran, how can words be soooo rhythmic, and seems so beautiful even though you don't understand it.

Have a family and live a good, peaceful life. I could only think that far, for now. I bet most people are having the same thought. Study-Work-Get married-Have children-DIE-Heaven (or would it be Hellfire for you? haha :p). But deep in, I feel that there is something else. I don't know what it is, but I sure hope it's a great one. I am not still breathing and smiling to simply live a plain lifeless life!

I refuse to be just anyone, being only another passerby in this world. I shall live. And when I take my leave, I shall leave a living mark.

AT THE VERY LEAST, I would want to have Great studies and a memorable student life - Great work and happy working without any regret - Get married to an ever-loving wife with a great love story till the end of time - Bear wonderful children who will become greater persons than I shall ever be - Die, with glory, and only after I have changed the world into a better place. And above all, Heaven, as high as I'm allowed to be.

May us be guided.



Footnote: All the last-minute works seems to produce good results so far. It's mind-boggling~ I lived through it, but I never really sure what really happened :p Procrastination shouldn't produce good results, kan??? It's like I've been saved again yet again yet again yet again......Well, I did put quite an effort in the end, but there's always, always lots and lots of luck and guidance from Him. Sentiasa selamat dan tidak gagal, alhamdulillah (^_^)

Led By The Incompetents

fcuking government~

kalo aku ckp government aku bengap dan incompetent, ada tak orang yg akan ckp kat aku
"hek eleh, ko tu mcm la terer sgt, ingat senang ke nak jaga satu negara, kalo ko terer sgt gi la ganti Pak Lah jadi PM. Kutuk org je pandai!"...?

Fcuk off, dude. Huh, aku rakyat biasa pun tau Malaysia ni negara pengeluar minyak. Tapi letak harga minyak macam negara pengimport minyak. WTF. You don't have to study in a university to know just that~ Wanita ini juga sokong kenyataan aku ni. You think we're just a bunch of brainless apes or what? Doing this n that n expect we would hear and obey without giving it a slightest thought. What kinda government could think such lowly of their citizens?!

Bangganya aku dgn petronas~ pandai diorang carigali minyak~ dpt untung berbilion~ keep digging, guys~ (^_^) WTF. Rakyat Malaysia sniri pun tak dapat merasa hasil minyak Malaysia. Haha, laughable indeed. Apa? KLCC? Sepang? KLIA? Bgs la smua tu. Bleh bangga sket. Tapi semua rakyat dapat rasa, dapat sentuh ke smua tu? Ada yg tak penah jejak kaki pun kat tempat2 tu. Buat jalan? Baiknya~ Tol berpuluh ringgit! Ni minyak naik, harga barang-barang konfem naik. Bil letrik pun nak naik lagi. This is outrageous. Totally ridiculous!

Incompetent leaders! Of course we can't satisfy everyone, but why didn't they choose to satisfy the poor and the middle-class citizens?! Why is it always the rich, the richer and the richest? The poor only get to be proud of being Malaysian to have all those concretes which are practically useless to them. Other than that?? Where are their shares as Malaysians? They're not getting more money yet the prices of everything keep hiking. Harga thumbdrive je makin menurun~ yeah, laugh all u want~ But I am not laughing.

There are so many things I wanna say, but lets just end it here before I start swearing more~

(nukilan ini asalnya untuk ruangan komenan di blog dammit, tapi bila dah start tulis tu jadi panjang plak... So it end up in my own blog as another entry.)

The Breakup Songs : Final Verse

I don't think breaking up is easy, but Alhamdulillah, I went through it without too much difficulties. What happened between me and her, I don't think any normal guy could take it. I would really like to get it off my chest, but I couldn't do it. Not now. One fine day, perhaps, in the arms of my lovely wife :) Oh, in addition to what had been going on between me and her, I was the president of a society back then. (Lepas abis meeting abang call la balik. Tapi tak paham-paham. And the phone kept vibrating...). Exam was around the corner too when we broke up. Crazy, huh? I tried not to let my tragedy affect others though. I think I managed just that.

Why my instinct told me to keep my distance before kinda make sense now. If this happened when I was younger, perhaps I might not be able to handle it. Definitely not~

And it's not at all the end of the world. More like a new beginning to me. Now I am more certain with what I want in life, where I want to be and who I want to be with. I can restructure my life for my best interest, without considering my other half. You can also look at it as 'my second chance'. Perhaps, my 1st choice wasn't the best for me. (and of coz, I might not be the best choice for her too). So, both of us are allowed to choose again. Pray that I'll marry someone in 2010! (^_^)v

Before I was in the relationship, I've always wondered how it would feel to break up with the one you love. We got so many songs telling you about love and heartbreak, picking up and dropping off, the sweet and the bitter feelings. I wonder if I would enjoy these songs better after I broke up with someone. I got my answer now. Yes! Haha :p However, when I was with her, I hope it would never happen. Truth hurts, but I accepted it with an open heart.

For those who have been brokenhearted, I dedicate these songs to me, and you too. Be sad, but not for too long. Get back on your feet. Chin up, cheer up. Stand tall. Head held high. Wipe off the traces of your weeping. Take a deep breath. Open your eyes. Bismillaahi Ar-rahmaani Ar-rahiim. Continue walking. You are not yet at your final destination ;)

Trying not to break
But i'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me

-Linkin Park, From The Inside-


You were everything I wanted
You were everything a girl could be
Then you left me brokenhearted
Now you don't mean a thing to me
-----------
Thought that everything was perfect
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Thought you thought that I was worth it
Now I think a little differently

-Plain White T's, Hate (Really Don't Like You)-


You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

-Daughtry, Over You-


I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

-One Republic feat. Timbaland, Apologize-


Sudah usai sudah
Cerita engkau dan aku
Ku anggap sebagai bingkisan kalbu

-Kangen Band, Tentang Aku, Kau dan Dia-

The Breakup Songs : Chorus

Yes, be aware that these are only MY words, from MY point of view, and I am a MALE human. Perhaps, I'm in the wrong. Well..I don't give a damn anyway :p Girls, if you don't like what I'm about to say, skip this entry. But I think this piece is good for you. So you better read it. Huhu.

Some advices.

• Girls, be confident with yourself. You're great, always great. He's in love with you~ Don't give a damn about those prickly little voices in your head. You're wonderful to him. He sincerely loves you! Don't doubt yourself. But of course, if you love him as much, improve yourself bit by bit. No rush ;) Try not to degrade though :p

• Girls, sulking is good. Big sulk once in a while is great. But big sulk once a month? That's pretty tiring. Once a week...Err..are you a black widow? Or do you want to be a widow? You'll kill him!~

• Girls, I know you're in love. A love soo deep you can't even see the bottom. But you don't have to text him every minute and call him everyday. There's a possibility that he would pity you, and then he'd be the one calling you instead (T_T) Lagi haru kalau tiap-tiap hari dating~ If he's filthy rich, don't give a damn lah~ huhu.

• Girls, trust him (Unless...he's a playboy :p). Love is a subtle thing, it's a conscience. Trust that he loves you, even when he's far away, even when you're not in touch for a month. Have a little jealousy. But mind you, ONLY A LITTLE. Never lose your self-confidence. And guys, trust her as much.

• Girls, never interfere with his business. I mean, real business, money-related business. Unless if you're really good at it lah. Especially when you include emotions and feelings in his business. Do you think he's heartless? Shame on you.

• Girls, be the great woman behind the great man. Even better, be the great woman beside the great man. Yes, you are the other half of him. You're suppose to make him complete, so that he can be a better person, a great person. Take him to the top, not drag him down to the bottom of the sea~ Same goes to the guys, be the great man of your wonderful woman ;)

• Girls, never try to test him. Never try to test him in the name of love. He usually knows it when you're testing him. Sometimes, he plays according to your rule. You happy. But keep in mind that he can always deliberately turns the tables around. End result? You not happy, huhu. Right back at you. Padan muka nak test sangat~ But seriously, don't test your partner. Hina dan keji.

• Girls, never ever make him do something in the name of love. If it's only for jokes or simply for fun, that's ok. But if it's for something serious, that's very low~it's like you're selling your love, girl. Again, hina dan keji.

• Girls, you're not the only one with problems, sadness, headache, heartache or whatever. He has feelings too. He needs to lean on to you as well. He needs to rest on your shoulder once in a while, and cry in your chest if he has to, embraced by your soft arms. Well, not as often as you girls do :p Still, consider that, k.

• Girls, take good care of yourself. Take good care of yourself. Take good care of yourself. Take good care of yourself. Take good care of yourself. You're living in a big bad world. Please, take good care of yourself.

• And Girls, as Che'Nelle (was it her?) said in Hitz.fm, I didn't remember the exact thing she said, but it's about being happy with yourself. Don't be sad and expect your other half to come and make you happy. Be happy, and when he comes into your life, he will add more happiness into your life. Double happy (^_^)
  

What I said above doesn't work for a jerk. A stupid jerk simply deserves a kick in the balls. Leave him! You deserve a better guy! That's all I have for now. Girls, no grudge on me, k. Peace (^_^)v Oh, anybody wanna add some more? Be my guest!

C.H.A.N.G.E

Oh, it's that season again. General Election~ the season when people increase their efforts to criticize others, but speak only the good things about themselves. Both with 200% exaggeration :p Well, you can think of it that way and hate it. Or, if you have a ripe-enough brain, u may raise up your open hand and feel that the wind is blowing hard. Is it a wind of change?

Naturally, humans are the agents of change, we have the power to change. You smile, you make someone happy. You frown, you make someone sad. Simply said, someone or something may change because you change.

The questions in mind. Should I change? This is good enough, why would I wanna change anything? Am I not comfort enough? If I make changes, will it be better FOR ME?

For those who are in the 'comfort zone', 'C.H.A.N.G.E' is one big word. They have already settled down with what they have, with what they were told they have. It is enough. They don't know, and they don't want to know about any other options that they actually have. They based their beliefs on the images right in front of their eyes, and the sounds that goes through their eardrums. I-don't-mind-not-using-my-mind kinda attitude.

I didn't get myself to register for election. Yes, my fault, my mistake, my carelessness, my bad, i admit. Anyhow, I would like to share an opinion, an option. It's a little late for me because I failed to register, but somehow I really feel like I want to see a colossal change in Malaysian politics. I am a little late in realizing things around me. This is the least I can do for a change.

I'll try to be neutral, not gonna exaggerately criticize or praise any party. Just a normal student's point of view.

Things doesn't look good these few years. Crime rate increased, kids are missing, people don't feel safe or secure anymore. Prices of goods increased. Oil price increased, and I heard it will be higher after election. We succumb to Singapore in a couple of issues, pity us. And our so-called 'imam' who proposed Islam Hadhari got his hand wrapped around a a non-muhrim woman's waist. Cool ey? Should I follow his footsteps? He's my leader after all :p

Hmm...You know, when a sponge got too saturated, it can hardly absorb any more water. Have they reached their limit? Is it because they have been in reign for so long that they fail to see their flaws and fix them. Or perhaps, the damages have been done, and those damages are irreparable. Can we, can Malaysia, move on further at this rate?

I have seen years of reign by Barisan Nasional. Yes, they are good, especially during the time of the legendary Tun Dr. Mahathir (Perhaps, he has sins, but there are too many things about him that deserves my respect). But today a thought crossed my mind. How far can Malaysia actually go? Now, it feels like we are deteriorating, inside and outside.

Not to be bias, but I kinda admire how PAS manage to take care of Kelantan with limited resources. I wonder what they can do if given proper resources. In 80's and 90's, in the hands of Barisan Nasional, Terengganu received oil royalty worth 600 million per annum. But funny, it remains as one of the poorest states. When PAS took over in 1999, the royalty was ridiculously cancelled. PAS governed the state with limited resources. Nonetheless, they managed. Therefore, I would like to see what will happen to Malaysia in the hands of PAS. Can PAS take us further?

We are the agents of change. We have the power to change. Should we change? There are risks involved. Fear. Why are we so afraid to take risks and change? Should we take those risks? I'd say yes, unless you are already comfort enough and you are pretty sure you'd be at least as comfort as you are now in years to come. To me, it's not about PAS or BN or DAP or KeAdilan. I simply want one who can take us further, physically and spiritually. I want to be safe and secure, no matter when and where, even at the darkest corner of a road. I want more money, but I want to spend less on everyday needs! Dignity, I want it the most. And yes, I want to be a better muslim. I think Malaysia needs a new breath of life. Fresh Malaysia, reborn again, in good hands.

Pak lah said this is not the time to experiment things. Somehow, I cannot agree with him on that. Sometimes, if you want to be better, it is not enough to simply improvise or fix things. Another option? Change everything. Start anew.

I am student

I've submitted my thesis, 4 days after the due date yeyy! Yepyep, I'm the only one who submitted late. Funny, during that one week, I watched lots of movies, I read manga, went to KL, went on a field trip with the juniors, clean my room (haha), eat out a lot, and God knows what else I've been doing but my thesis! But in the end, I'm still satisfied with my finally submitted thesis (^_^)

Life has been different, I guess. I simply wanna enjoy life as a plain, normal, average student. Below average, sometimes :p Ever since the 2nd year of my student life, there were things on my shoulder, things in my mind, things in my hands. It got heavier in my 3rd year, and during my 4th year, God, it's heavy. Study for a science degree, having a not-so-understanding girlfriend, and at the same time being someone everyone are depending on, God, it's heavy.

People have high expectations from you. You have to know lotsa things, you have to talk a lot, you have to know everything, you have to care about everything, keep track of things. You have to squeeze your brain constantly, to think, think and keep thinking. You have to think for other people's sake, never yours. You have to finish your assignments as well, write your reports, and study for quizzes and exams, you cannot fail!

You have to know people, you have to keep people together, you have to solve other people's fights. You even have to wear a more-than-proper attire, people are looking at you, watching you. Lutfi, wear shoes! You have to set a good example.

You have to have time, even when there is none. Sacrifice a lil bit of these, and a lil bit of those, and a lil bit of these and those. You have a mother, living alone at home. And you were saying to yourself, shouldn't you be putting a smile on her face instead of everybody else's face? Dilemma, here and there and everywhere. You have a girlfriend, Oh, no, now you don't have her anymore. Perhaps, you were too busy back then? REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING MENTIONED ABOVE, YOU HAVE TO SMILE SINCERELY.

But believe me, it was in my 4th year that I truly felt blessed. I had great nakama (it's japanese, it means comrades, companions) and I had wonderful friends. I still have them all! I got to know my juniors. I'm closer to my seniors. I had tonnes of joyous moments. I had great experiences. I grew up, more than I could imagine. My 4th year was heavy, yes, but no regret whatsoever, not a slight of regret.

Now, time has passed. I'm no longer attached to all those have-tos. The baton had been passed to someone far greater than I was. I have faith in him (^_^) Hence, I am rest assured and can really enjoy my normal 'student' life now (even though I'll be graduating a few weeks from now :p). It's just as great as last year, but whole lot lighter. No exams, no girlfriend and no one is expecting anything from me.

I'm not a student anymore. But it just feels sooo good to act like an average student. As light as a feather, I feel like floating whereever I go, and in whatever I do. I'm going home more often. I don't have to think as much about other people, for other people. I can act stupid, like a know-nothing brat. Not that many people know me now. And I'm not treated like a somebody anymore. I'm the same as everyone else yeyy! I wear what I feel like wearing. Hey, I wear jeans and t-shirt to functions, and wait for the free food after the programmes, like any other students! I don't have to give speeches! Lalalalalaaa~ No more dealing with VIPs or having to enjoy refreshments with them instead of with my friends! Most importantly, I HAVE MORE TIME FOR MYSELF! Huahaha~ carefree~ life is indeed great, and it's getting even better everyday! (^_^)V

undeserving

My thesis is less than 20% complete while most of my friends already submitted their drafts to respective supervisors. Who am I kidding? So help me God~ Err..but God doesn't help the people who's not putting any effort! I don't think I'm on his list-to-be-helped yet. Ok, then. God, please enlighten me a little so that I would put my best effort! Somehow I feel a lil better now(^_^) Chayo chayo lutfi!

Ok, putting my thesis issue aside, I'd like to talk about something else!

My sister once told me that she didn't deserve a brother like me. And I said to her How do you know if anybody deserves anything? How do you justify that? And how do you know I don't deserve a sister like you? We don't know all that, but I'm here, so accept and enjoy.

Yeah, I was the one saying that, but now I'm having the same problem. People are being nice to me lately. Too nice and kind that I felt undeserving. Zali suddenly bought me a BigMac a few days ago. Nyum2! An acquaintance bought me those nice karipap peramu that I really love. An old companion gave me a Hush Puppies shirt! Lovely! (^_^). A friend just gave me home made Tom Yam for dinner tonite, damn delicious I wanna cry~. Not to mention all those birthday presents I received previously from my closest friends. My sis has been giving me too many stuffs, I lost count :p

Is it karma or is it sorta like good things that happen before something bad takes place? Well, it couldn't be karma. Ask anyone (but my sis), they'd say I am everything, except kind. Someone has been telling me that I'm a pain in the ass, and that I'm also cruel and stingy. I agree :p Plus, at this moment, being kind would bring troubles. My wish needs me to be cruel :)

All in all, if it isn't karma...Then, something really bad may happen to me after this. I better be prepared (^_^)


P/s: if you wanna give a comment, make me look as bad as possible ;)

Alone

Being alone isn't all that dreadful. I think I kinda enjoy the loneliness. It's quiet. I'm free, independent. I can do whatever I want, when I feel like doing it. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy being with my family and friends. I am absolutely happy spending time with them, feels good everytime they talk to me, relief for every smile they gave to me, glad for all the arguments we had. But there were times, and there will always be times, when they were not around, and there i was, left alone. I'm enjoying it nevertheless.

Usually when I saw people eating alone, I pity them, thinking that they have no family and friends. It didn't occur to me that he (or she) was having his peaceful moment, sipping his cup of coffee. I feel guilty for ever having those thoughts.

Alone in my room, alone at the cafe, alone in the car, alone in the lab. Eating alone, walking alone, driving alone, working alone, studying alone, sleeping alone, watching movies alone, having fun by myself. They are not all that bad. It could be as enjoyable as doing it with your friends. But you can't view or judge it from the same perspective. Ice cream and pudding. They are different, but both are yummy, aren't they?

To me, being alone isn't loneliness. Even when i'm all alone, I have em all in my heart, my family, my friends. So, basically I'm not really by myself, and I don't actually feel lonely at all. What exactly is it, then? My sister gave a nice phrase for it. It's called having my own sweet moments :)

For many reasons, I'm looking forward to do my masters degree abroad, preferably in europe. One of them is to have lots of my own sweet moments! Living independently, trying to view life from my own personal perspective. Taking care of myself, by my own two hands. Making decisions, and execute them by myself. Grab my keys and take a walk whenever I feel like it. I could just sit down in a cafe, sipping my cup of coffee, reading my newspaper, and care about nothing else but me and my coffee. My own sweet moments :)

Death

For those who are a bit sensitive, or easily get scared, I warn you, don't read this. Especially Ann, Do not read.

Yes, it is sensitive to some people. Why do people avoid thinking about it? It may happen a hundred years later. It may happen tomorrow. It can even be this second right now while you are reading this line. What is it? It's death. Just so you know, death is inevitable. Oh, you already knew? :p Yepyep, sooner or later, we all gonna die. Now don't say that I'm telling you lies, coz that is one solid fact you can't deny.

Allah saved me so many times. My friends helped me a lot. Sometimes i thought it's weird for me to still be able to breathe this beautiful life. But most of the times, God knows how grateful I am. I have my loved ones, my family and my friends. I hold a few dearly in my heart, wishing that I could meet one of them again when I'm ready :)

When I was in primary school, I played a lot with a chinese friend of mine. One time, we went playing on a small hill. All the trees had been cleared up for construction. And there was this wall of rocks, or should I say, a cliff? (My vocab sucks, forgive me~) It was quite high, and I was just a little boy back then.

"Yun Ming, let's climb to the top!" I said to my friend. Speaking in chinese, of course.

Perhaps he's smarter than me, he refused :p So, I climbed it myself, confidently~ huhu. It was exciting!...at first lah~ after that...haha..just when I'm about to reach the top, I could not find any other rock that I could grab on. I couldn't go further up. I looked down...

Crap, was it this high before?! If I fall down, it's either dead or a few broken bones for sure.. Wait, where's Yun ming? He's not down there! Now where the hell did he go when I need him?! Oh, my mum's gonna be so pissed off if anything happen to me...Hmm...would she be sad if I die right here today? I might be in the newspaper tomorrow..."a boy fall down from a cliff while playing with his friend"...hmm...They might interview Yun Ming...and perhaps my mother too...I could imagine her crying...

I still couldn't move an inch. God, I was scared, I really was. The warm sweat started to feel cold. My palms was getting sweaty too. I couldn't hold much longer. God, please help me. Please help me, God. Then suddenly, I saw a hand! I looked up. Yun Ming! I've never been so glad to see him :p He grabbed my hand and pulled me up to safe. Haha, actually he took another totally 100% safe path to go up there, unlike stupid little lutfi.

Throughout nearly 23 years of my life, I had faced several dangerous situation. Hoho. The world is such a dangerous place. So many incidents with my bicycle. Motorcycle accident, once. Haha, that one was scary. A little faster then i might get drug under a truck. There were two incidents in which another inch might have caused me to go blind. Oh, the bus accident was a wonderful experience :) Just several weeks ago I was sooo close to get struck by lightning that I could hear the sound of electrical charges ripping the air at my right ear. A friend of mine walking on my left side already "jatuh terduduk", flabbergasted, shocked by what he just saw. Nevertheless, everytime I managed to get through those situations, it made me feel more alive. It made me remember Him. I like to do crazy stuffs too. I'm not afraid of a few cuts and bruises. But don't worry, I would never do anything reckless. Never ever. I do take risks, but nothing more than I can take ;)

I was lucky for countless times. Alhamdulillah. I do think about death sometimes, especially when I was in a life-threatening situation, and it actually made feel calm. Nauzubillah, I don't want anything bad that would end my beautiful life. But when my time really comes, be it 100 years later, be it tomorrow, be it now, I hope I can accept my fate. I hope I won't have any regret. I hope I won't regret on things that I haven't accomplished. What I hope the most is for my friends and families, for them to keep on living their beautiful lives. I hope they won't have any regrets or grudges on me. Like how they keep me in their hearts, let the unspoken words buried in their hearts too. Coz what done is done. what gone is gone. There'll be no turning back of time.

-Dying is the hardest part of living- Lutfi, November 5th, 2007

I Will Try To Learn

Again, 3.35 am, and yeah, i should be in bed :p Just finished watching Bridge to Terabithia, and before that, The Guardian.Both were great. At least I enjoyed myself. Learnt a few things as well. This time, I learnt that i'm not that strong.

When you think of it, you can always learn something, in every second of your life, if you want to. What you see, hear, smell, touch, taste and feel...They all race inside you, in the nerves, to your brain, in your veins, to your intangible heart. Will you learn something from it, or will you just let that split-second opportunity vanish into thin air..?

I chose to learn. I'll always choose to learn, and grab the opportunity that comes along with it.

(btw, got a new template! Still need to alter and improve on a lotta things. hoho)

Lutfi Is Living A Life

Things are getting out of hands. hoho. One by one, the situation is killing me. Nah, don't worry, i won't die just yet. Well guys, if u wanna spice up ur life a lil' bit, try to live my life :)

Academic, societal responsibilities, relationships, each one of 'em brings along a different kind of pressure. Sometimes, all of em resemble 3 angels, comforting, exciting. But at times, they can be like three sharp swords piercing through your heart, all at the same time. But i love 'em all :D And I work best under pressure ;)

A friend once asked me, if God exists, why do we have problems, difficulties, handicaps etc. ? Why can't everything be perfect? My answer would be, if everything is perfect, then living a life would be meaningless. It's like everything is computed into u and u just live a life like a robot. You don't even need such a large brain, a microchip will do just fine.

The life we have now is uncertain. Full of unexpected things. U are happy at one time and all of a sudden u cry out of sadness, then u're happy again in no time. Today u live, tomorrow u die. See what i mean? the uncertainties?

U have a heart, the heart that beats. But u know u have another 'heart', the one u can't see, the receptor for the intangibles. A perfect life do not need two hearts. Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah. Allahuakbar. He knows what's best for us. We 'take gud care' of Him, He'll take gud care of us. Have faith. (Arkkk! dah lama tak ke surau!)

"LA YUKALLIFULLAHU NAFSAN ILLA WUS'AHA"

Lutfi is the Only One Left!

So much happy things happened. Guess I'm always blessed by Allah. What happened? Hohoho...Two more of my bros got married. One on Christmas eve(24th December 2005), the other one on the second day of Chinese New Year(30th January 2006). Haha, what a coincidence. Pandai betul pilih tarikh. Kenduri kat rumah was on 31st january yang lepas. Kira buat sekali la dua-dua tu, boleh dikatakan abang dan adik kawin sekali la.

My 4th bro and his soul mate

My 5th Bro and his soul mate

I have 5 big brothers. Big family, eh. One of them,2nd bro, Zulkifli, died young due to fever. 4 left.

1st and 3rd bro got married in 2001. Yang ni dulu pun kawin sekali. Kenduri sekali. 1st bro got married to Sabahan, from Sampoerna. 3rd bro with Kelantanese, Kubang Kerian to be exact. 4th bro, also witk a Kelantanese, from Pasir Puteh. Finally, my last sis-in-law is from Kajang, Selangor, married to my 5th bro. Semuanya boleh dikatakan ada rupa la.


FYI, all of em only knew their spouses less than a year before they got married. Meaning? I mean, there were no lovey-dovey stuff. U know, cintan-cintun semua tu. Even if there were, only for a short while, few months at most. So different from the trend nowadays. Well, there are few assumptions that can be made.

1. They didn't have enough money before.

2. They were too busy with works.

3. They just couldn't find that right person.

4. They don't like cintan-cintun.

5. They don't care about girls, like girls are the last thing on their mind.

6. They are better Muslims, avoiding adulteries (zina).

7. Mom didn't say anything.

8. They didn't care about all these stuff, until they thought it's time to do so.

Well, for the 1st bro, my sis-in-law made the big move. bold eh. 3rd bro was match-made(btul ke pekataan ni?) by my uncle. 4th bro was match-made by mom herself. But mom was only the initiator. The rest was completed by my bro himself. 5th bro found his soul-mate by his own. 4th and 5th bros did have another relationship before. Broke up.

Since all my bros already got married, in pairs. I have to do it solo i guess. No more guys in the family. Hoho.

Lutfi prejudges and is prejudged

Hmmm...hmmm...hmmm...dah lama tak update blog nie...rasa janggal plak...

Well...many things happened in this one n a half month...this new semester...new subjects...new tasks...new year...and many other new things...even new people...new faces...new friends...

Some of them are not really new frens. I've noticed their existence before, but they seemed a bit far away...Fortunately, they are getting closer. And closer.

Sometimes, it makes u wonder...when u first meet somebody, how do u appear to them? I mean, what's ur first impression? how about their first impression? How do they look at u? Can we get along? u know, things like that. And most of the times, we prejudge. Is that a bad thing?

Some of my friends asked how i thought of them when we first met. I found it difficult to answer. It's vague, I can't remember. I wondered why. Then I figured out why.

Personally, I don't think prejudge is wrong. It's a human nature. I don't think it can be avoided, by any means. At least for a second u meet someone new, u will prejudge.

What makes prejudge bad is if u stick to ur prejudgement all the time u're with that person. Even worse, when ur prejudgement turn out to be totally the opposite, u'll get that pathetic feeling. Like u are the worse being.

and so, I've found my answer. I do prejudge. But then I put it in the recycle bin. As a human, u can't just remove all ur memory, can u? Unless ur hard disk accidentally crash. God forbid.

Most of the times, I don't really care how people think of me. Except in formal occasion, because it involves other parties. But if it's just about me, I don't and I won't give a damn. I've heard a few prejudgement on me, told by my former-strangers-but-now-friends. I can really laugh about it. Coz in the end they found out that they were wrong. Totally. Hey, whoever read this, why don't u tell me what do u think of me the first time we met? That would be fun, i guess. It tickles.