I am student

I've submitted my thesis, 4 days after the due date yeyy! Yepyep, I'm the only one who submitted late. Funny, during that one week, I watched lots of movies, I read manga, went to KL, went on a field trip with the juniors, clean my room (haha), eat out a lot, and God knows what else I've been doing but my thesis! But in the end, I'm still satisfied with my finally submitted thesis (^_^)

Life has been different, I guess. I simply wanna enjoy life as a plain, normal, average student. Below average, sometimes :p Ever since the 2nd year of my student life, there were things on my shoulder, things in my mind, things in my hands. It got heavier in my 3rd year, and during my 4th year, God, it's heavy. Study for a science degree, having a not-so-understanding girlfriend, and at the same time being someone everyone are depending on, God, it's heavy.

People have high expectations from you. You have to know lotsa things, you have to talk a lot, you have to know everything, you have to care about everything, keep track of things. You have to squeeze your brain constantly, to think, think and keep thinking. You have to think for other people's sake, never yours. You have to finish your assignments as well, write your reports, and study for quizzes and exams, you cannot fail!

You have to know people, you have to keep people together, you have to solve other people's fights. You even have to wear a more-than-proper attire, people are looking at you, watching you. Lutfi, wear shoes! You have to set a good example.

You have to have time, even when there is none. Sacrifice a lil bit of these, and a lil bit of those, and a lil bit of these and those. You have a mother, living alone at home. And you were saying to yourself, shouldn't you be putting a smile on her face instead of everybody else's face? Dilemma, here and there and everywhere. You have a girlfriend, Oh, no, now you don't have her anymore. Perhaps, you were too busy back then? REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING MENTIONED ABOVE, YOU HAVE TO SMILE SINCERELY.

But believe me, it was in my 4th year that I truly felt blessed. I had great nakama (it's japanese, it means comrades, companions) and I had wonderful friends. I still have them all! I got to know my juniors. I'm closer to my seniors. I had tonnes of joyous moments. I had great experiences. I grew up, more than I could imagine. My 4th year was heavy, yes, but no regret whatsoever, not a slight of regret.

Now, time has passed. I'm no longer attached to all those have-tos. The baton had been passed to someone far greater than I was. I have faith in him (^_^) Hence, I am rest assured and can really enjoy my normal 'student' life now (even though I'll be graduating a few weeks from now :p). It's just as great as last year, but whole lot lighter. No exams, no girlfriend and no one is expecting anything from me.

I'm not a student anymore. But it just feels sooo good to act like an average student. As light as a feather, I feel like floating whereever I go, and in whatever I do. I'm going home more often. I don't have to think as much about other people, for other people. I can act stupid, like a know-nothing brat. Not that many people know me now. And I'm not treated like a somebody anymore. I'm the same as everyone else yeyy! I wear what I feel like wearing. Hey, I wear jeans and t-shirt to functions, and wait for the free food after the programmes, like any other students! I don't have to give speeches! Lalalalalaaa~ No more dealing with VIPs or having to enjoy refreshments with them instead of with my friends! Most importantly, I HAVE MORE TIME FOR MYSELF! Huahaha~ carefree~ life is indeed great, and it's getting even better everyday! (^_^)V

undeserving

My thesis is less than 20% complete while most of my friends already submitted their drafts to respective supervisors. Who am I kidding? So help me God~ Err..but God doesn't help the people who's not putting any effort! I don't think I'm on his list-to-be-helped yet. Ok, then. God, please enlighten me a little so that I would put my best effort! Somehow I feel a lil better now(^_^) Chayo chayo lutfi!

Ok, putting my thesis issue aside, I'd like to talk about something else!

My sister once told me that she didn't deserve a brother like me. And I said to her How do you know if anybody deserves anything? How do you justify that? And how do you know I don't deserve a sister like you? We don't know all that, but I'm here, so accept and enjoy.

Yeah, I was the one saying that, but now I'm having the same problem. People are being nice to me lately. Too nice and kind that I felt undeserving. Zali suddenly bought me a BigMac a few days ago. Nyum2! An acquaintance bought me those nice karipap peramu that I really love. An old companion gave me a Hush Puppies shirt! Lovely! (^_^). A friend just gave me home made Tom Yam for dinner tonite, damn delicious I wanna cry~. Not to mention all those birthday presents I received previously from my closest friends. My sis has been giving me too many stuffs, I lost count :p

Is it karma or is it sorta like good things that happen before something bad takes place? Well, it couldn't be karma. Ask anyone (but my sis), they'd say I am everything, except kind. Someone has been telling me that I'm a pain in the ass, and that I'm also cruel and stingy. I agree :p Plus, at this moment, being kind would bring troubles. My wish needs me to be cruel :)

All in all, if it isn't karma...Then, something really bad may happen to me after this. I better be prepared (^_^)


P/s: if you wanna give a comment, make me look as bad as possible ;)

minit-minit terakhir

My final year project presentation went ok last Friday :) I was a bit (actually, very) sleepy that morning , though. I had to pull an all-nighter preparing the presentation slides. Yep, no sleep~ Now, now, don't mistakenly think that I'm a hardworking student. I just had to stay up all night coz I started preparing the slides just that Thursday morning. Haha, the funny thing is, I only managed to complete a single slide all day long.

When I have a personal academic thing to do like exams, presentations, quizzes and so on, I tend to be doing something else, unnecessary things, wasting my times etc. Such as?...chatting with friends, munching some snacks, 'lepak-lepak', 'jalan-jalan', reading manga, watch a movie, sorting files on my computer, looking at old pictures, listening to songs, anything. As long as my mind says 'i still have time~', the progress would be near 0%. Or it really is 0%...?

SO, I ended up really concentrating on doing my slides at midnight! Was it at 12am? No, no, choosing the slide design took me another hour, if not more, huhu. There were a couple of mistakes in the slides, but having it done in one night, I'm more than satisfied. The marks I got didn't matter (^_^)

Yes, I admit, I'm a lazy bum :p But somehow, i think the intense pressure just excites me. It's like all sorts of hormones (except estrogen :p) are pumping out at the time. It's like taking drugs, making me high or something :p And all the neurons in the brain are charging each other up. It's stimulating, I think my brain works better under pressure. I have better focus, better creative ideas.

*sigh* I couldn't even comprehend myself. Why can't I just do my works earlier like everyone else? Why do I like to procrastinate? Why do I like to waste my time, especially at critical times like that?! Always doing things at the very last minute. It's obviously insane~ Not to mention risky! I have to change somehow, or I may end up having a heart attack~ God forbid!

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On another occasion,

My ex-future wife (yes,that's how serious I was), I wished her birthday, though it's a bit late. I'd like us to continue as friends, but I don't think she's up for it. We agreed to be friends a couple of times before, and then we spoilt it again and again, arguing. The shattered pieces of trust can never be found again, I guess.

Wishlist 2008

Resolution seems too concrete. Not doing it would give me a guilty feeling. So, I consider them as wishes :) Another thing is, my head is all filled up with my final year project labworks, presentation and thesis writing. Therefore, I only manage to think of these for now~

1. I hope I can stay single and available
2. I wanna exercise more often.
3. I wanna have loads more fun!
4. I don't wanna miss the time for Subuh prayer anymore and I'll try not to sleep after subuh
5. By the end of 2008, I'll have at least RM5000 in my account.
6. I wanna buy a bicycle, or maybe I should just repair the old one :p
7. Try to recite al-Quran at least 2 pages daily.
8. I want to go to Merapoh and meet Iqah, Wanie and Kira. Oh, I miss them tenderly~
9. I want to visit my foster family at Sabak Bernam.
10. At least confirm my place at a foreign University.
11. I wanna read more books (novels not included~)
12. I wanna visit a foreign Asian country.
13. Ice skating, paintball, go-kart, white water rafting...what else??
14. Wanna buy something special for ma & my kak long (if i got my paycheck lah~). Hmm..what would it be...
15. I wanna master things at the lab, like everything is at my fingertip.
16. I wanna learn using adobe photoshop and flash and anything alike.
17. Should I buy a new handphone? Hmm...dunno yet~