A New Air

It tastes like strawberry, whatever it is.

It was all dark and gloomy before. I guess now it's the best time to change, to move on to the greener field on the other side and see my world from a brighter view. Well, in this case it's not a field and it's not green. They are red strawberries :P Doesn't matter. My point is, for the very first time, this blog has a bright and vibrant template! Looking at it makes me feels bubbly~ (^_^)

Regardless of everything in the past and what awaits me in the future. Regardless of what's troubling me today. I will shine brightly.

Change has never been my enemy. In fact, it's always welcomed. Trying, changing, and trying to change. Those are some of the fun things in life (^_^)

Happiness

1st of January officially marked the 3rd effort in reaching for something I would like to call happiness. That one thing that sparkles like a diamond. And like a diamond it is, price had to be paid. No African blood was spilled, but hearts were hurt, and the cuts were deep. I hope they will all heal...

I wish I have the remedy. There is no magical potion to heal a broken heart. Is there?

I never meant to hurt you, or you, or you, and you. And especially you. My heart never felt so wretched, never so guilty.

I failed miserably in my 1st effort. Looking back now, I was just a kid trying to get a hold of that priceless diamond. Maybe it was not my time to have it yet. Came the 2nd gave me hope, with a warm and cozy feeling too. Flowers bloomed at the tip of my touch. The sky was always blue everytime i looked up above.

Under the bright blue sky, it was already sparkling in my hand, that sweet diamond. Love and be loved. This is it, I thought. And that's when reality snatched it away from me and stabbed me in the heart. I walked this earth with a knife in my chest. With love and lust I eased my pain. With hope and faith I sealed my wound. She will save me. Her hands will pull the knife off my chest and stop the love from bleeding out. Like an innocent child, I waited for her to save me. Sincerely. Devotedly.


.........



I saw a pair of hands.

Yet, they were not hers.

God, is this how it supposed to be...?

Love of My Life

Still can't write anything serious. *sigh~*

I have a few entries I wrote a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, they are in my old desktop PC which hasn't been operating for more than a year now. I love my PC. Sacrificed a lot to get it. Took only a meal a day for one whole semester, and drank only plain water. The flat screen monitor alone worth RM400+ back then. It's not LCD screen, though. Got free (but old) casing from a friend, saved about 100 ringgit. Doesn't look so bad, apart from one side of the panel wasn't there so it's pretty much bare on one side. Well, that makes it even cooler, literally and technically. Hoho. Gamers started using AMD processor back then. So I followed suit. I was quite a gamer. All in all, I spent about RM2000+ on her. Totally worth every cent! She's the love of my life~ Sometimes I spent all night being together with her. Dunno what I'd do without her~ She's my everything back then.

Oh, but now I have a lappy. So much for true love, huh?

Catching Up With Myself

Ahh, it's good to be writing again~ it's like meeting up with your long lost buddies. It'll take you a while to catch up, but it just feels great to be talking to them again. I don't read much. Novels, especially, nah ah ah. Some says you can't write if you don't read. I don't entirely deny that. Still, it doesn't make me wanna read novels. Haha. You can write if you don't read, but you can write way better if you read.

I want to write something serious. But I'm too sleepy and tired. I don't know why I'm tired. I'm just tired. I am physically tired. I'm not tired of anybody, so please don't try to impose any speculation ayte~ huhu

Wish I have 48 hours a day!! So that I could still work for 8 long hours yet I would still have 40 hours left to rest, play and do everything else. Stop procrastinating, I say that to myself all the time. Yet I always end up procrastinating in trying to stop procrastinating.

Please, I need a PA to sort everything out~ Well, big shots always have PAs and secretaries, don't they? I might just be one too, someday.

No Title

Sadness brings out the darkest side of you. The dark sides which a shattered heart could not contain. This heart of mine is always blanketed with a soft purple velvet. I am better now. Better than yesterday, at least. I am surrounded by mature and wise friends. Thanks guys!

Hearts twisted. Tears wasted. Souls...died. I am sorry that a few persons have to hurt for the path I chose. Yet our bodies keep walking this earth, searching for salvation and guidance, trying to mend our hearts with every bit of consolation. From friends, families, and even strangers, whomever lends their ears and shoulders.

My heart too was torn, but it never said I'm wrong. Lovers cried, but things never felt this right. I had my doubt, I drowned deep in thoughts. Words spoken and my eyes are open. What's done is done and I never wish for it to be undone. This is not a dream, nobody is lying. They are not lies. The fact is, this is life.

I may not be in my best state of mind to tell this, but don't lose to those bad whisperers...

Breathing Out The Guilt

I've been sighing a lot these past few days. *sigh~* Okay, that's me sighing, again. *sigh~* And again. *sigh~* Darn it. *sigh~* Arghhh!

It is beyond my senses...Beyond my control. That cold air of guilty feeling flows in together with my every breath...diffuses into my heart...dispersed to every inch of my body by the rythm of my heartbeat...

I just got to breathe it out...I have to breathe it out. But I can't breathe it all out...I can never breathe it all out. It already resides in me...In my blood. The feeling flows with the blood...leaving remnants of guilt wherever the blood penetrates...

What do I do now..? Time will heal us all, I know. Guess all I can do is keep trying to breathe it out...bit by bit...till time heal us all...

Friends Test!

Another quick one! I put this up on my Friendster page. huhu. Nobody scored A. I mean, above 80% correct. Huhu. Hmm...the 1st one who got 100% correct, I might treat him/her something reaaaaly gooood~ Ikut la nak caye ke tak. I never lie ;) Sorang sekali try je. Tarikh tutup sehingga next entry. Gud luck~ (^_^)

Question #1

What is my full name?

A. Muhammad Lutfi Bin Lukman

B. Ahmad Lutfi Bin Lukman

C. Mohd. Lutfi Bin Lukman

D. Muhd. Lutfi Bin Lukman

Question #2

When is my birthday?

A. 23rd September 1984

B. 20th November 1984

C. 21st November 1984

D. 23rd November 1984

Question #3

What is my hobby?

A. Listening to songs

B. Watching anime

C. Reading manga

D. Outdoor activities

Question #4

Which one is my favorite ice-cream?

A. Paddle pop Rainbow

B. Cornetto with Kit Kat

C. Magnum

D. Tropicana

Question #5

What is my favorite food

A. Spaghetti

B. Pizza

C. Satay

D. Nasi Briyani

Question #6

Which one is the most important?

A. My handphone

B. My computer

C. My wallet

D. My wristwatch

Question #7

What is my highest aim, in 10 years from now?

A. Financial freedom

B. Become a distinguished professor in a biotechnology field

C. Have 4 children with a lovely wife (^_^)

D. Build a house for my mother

Question #8

How many sisters do I have now?

A. 6

B. 5

C. 4

D. 3

Question #9

Why am I still not married?

A. I don\'t have enough money for the marriage process

B. I want to take my mum to vacation first

C. I don\'t have anyone that I like yet

D. I want to, but I already got rejected 8 times!

Question #10

Who is my favorite manga character?

A. Monkey D. Luffy from One Piece

B. Kurosaki Ichigo from Bleach

C. Himura Kenshin from Rurouni Kenshin

D. Hatake Kakashi from Naruto

Question #11

Which creature do I like the most?

A. Cats

B. Hamsters

C. Fishes

D. Spiders

Question #12

What is my favorite color?

A. Black

B. Orange

C. Green

D. Purple

Question #13

Which car do I like better?

A. Mercedes CLK

B. BMW 5 Series

C. Volkswagen New Beetle

D. Mitsubishi Evo VIII

Question #14

What is bad about me?

A. Stingy

B. Cruel

C. Forgetful

D. Clumsy

Question #15

What year do I want to get married?

A. 2010

B. 2011

C. 2012

D. 2013

Lalutan :p

Darn...when I have soooo much to say, to write, that's the time my notebook goes kaput! Well, it's not exactly the notebook. It's the adapter. But my laptop can't stay alive for long without the adapter!~ Luckily it's still within warranty period. But it's already been 2 weeks since I requested for a new one~ *sigh* If u ask me what my 'nyawa' is, it's always been my PC. Huhu :p

Ok, a short one. Yesterday I tagged along with my ma to textile shop. She wanna buy some cloths for raya and for my sis's wedding. I enjoy arts, so it's not such a boring thing to do. Haha. But the price? Scary~ And it got me thinking..."Luckily i'm not married yet..." Haha

Hmm...apa lagi ek. Oh, I really like the song by Katy Perry, Thinking of You. Though it has nothing to do with my life, mind you! hehe. And what's the song by The Fabulous Cats...Akasia? Something like that. Us Against The World by Christina Milian. I like plenty of songs, it's just that these catches my attention a bit more than others. Not that they mean anything to me. It's the lyrics, the songs arrangements, and the soul that they bind with the songs.

K, dats all. Roger and out! Bateri dah nak abis~ Tapi sekali sekala melalut pun best gak. I should do this sometimes. Haha

Oh, one more addition! That same night, S.H.E's concert was on MTV. Yeah, I'm a fan. I'm sure many of you don't know what kinda group that is. Huhu. Anyway, how I wish I have someone who can help me understand their songs better. And also Jay Chou's. That's a lot more complicated. My Chinese is getting very rusty~ Any amoi want to volunteer? :p

A Story for My Grandson.

Too much thoughts in the past entries. Haha. I should have some facts in this blog too. Perhaps I should write something for my grandson to read about his grandpa later :p

So dear grandson,

Grandpa was sooo occupied with work this week! And as always, things just wouldn't run smoothly for me. There's always a hole or a tree or a puddle of mud in my way. Haha. But at the end of the week, I can still sit in front of this notebook of mine and said to myself, "So things didn't end up so bad after all..."

I had to present a project today, partly my project. I had to show the final presentation slides to my boss yesterday, and the draft the day before. After all, the project is under her supervision. And it's a project comprises 3 sub-projects. Quite a headache to combine and relate everything to each other. Some of the stuffs were beyond my expertise~ huhu.

I'm sure I was given 1-month notice about the presentation. But whether this is a last-minute work, I'm not sure anymore. Coz I don't think I had much time in the weeks before since I'm also involved in the newsletter for the company. Had to cover up events from January to March, wrote articles about em. U know, like a journalist. Haha. Oh, that's definitely a last-minute work. January to March, that was the time I had. There were like 6-7 important events from January til March. Luckily I have a new assistant now to help me with this stuff. Huhu. And there were also a couple of admin stuffs I needed to cater.

However, I'd like to emphasize here that those are additional workloads. My main tasks in this company are to handle 2 practicals and to do research. And I have 2 ongoing research here, and one of em ain't progressing much *sigh~*. I also have to help other colleagues with their research once in a while. It's good to be helpful tho. Oh, one of the practicals was giving me headache in the past couple of weeks. I had to arrange field trip for our clients. Luckily everything worked out in the end. After a couple of pening times, that is. huhu

Anyway, back to my presentation. My notebook was faulty last 2 days. i just got it back in the late afternoon today. Luckily I have most of the important stuffs in my thumbdrive. And luckily I just got my new PC from the company! But the problem was, I couldn't do my work at home~ so I had to finish everything at work. Oh btw! I think this was the first time I didn't stay up all night preparing slides! It was always last-minute work in the past. Haha.

Then last night we got a call. A close relative just passed away. Close by blood, but I'm sure me and him, we didn't know each other. But my ma insisted to go. But she did ask me whether I had the strength to go. I agreed with a heavy heart. It was almost 2 hours away~ and I was thinking about reading a bit on my next-day presentation. I was glad that sincerity came knocking along the way. Yeah, visiting a deceased relative couldn't be a bad thing, I thought. I drove my car happily all the way. We arrived back at home after midnight. But I was glad I agreed to go.

I wouldn't call it a bad presentation. But the project that I presented really raised up some issues. I received lotsa questions and comments, both constructive and destructive :p I didn't get to answer most of the comments due to time constraint. Plus, I respect the elderly. Huhu. I have a question raised up in my head tho, if big shots like MARDI or MPOB or LGM cancelled a research, does it mean that the research is worthless or have no future? I think not.To me, there must be ways to make things work. In research, if you start today, you can't get the results tomorrow. Get what I mean? And this is a place where knowledge is gathered, it is not a corporate company. It's a place where research may be less useful, but it is never useless. But someday, the insignificant one might fit in the puzzle somewhere...

So grandson, you wanna be like your grandpa? (^_^)v

P/s: Sorry if you can't figure out the kinda 'company' I'm working in. Haha.

Tag Yang Dibenci

No offence for the title :p But I really hate tags, coz it forces something out of me. Not a right way of communication. But since I've been tagged, here goes anyway~ But please don't tag me anymore. Pleaaasssse~ I really mean it. *sob sob*

THIS ONE'S FROM MOON

7 fakta tentang saya:

1) Not yet 24 years old. Almost 19. Huhu. Still young and immature.
2) Small devious eyes
3) Jahat
4) Keji
5) Selekeh
6) Suka kutuk orang
7) Tak gentleman langsung
*No.2-7 are what my friends wud say about me*

7 perkara menakutkan saya.

1) Hellfire
2) Azab kubur
3) Sins
4) Killing someone, or an innocent creature
5) Hurting someone, or innocent creatures
6) Making a mistake dat involves other people, and it can't be undone
7) Ghost

7 lagu buat masa sekarang

1) What About Now - Daughtry
2) I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
3) Give You The World - The D.E.Y
4) Mantera Beradu - Malique feat. M. Nasir
5) 7 Things - Miley Cyrus
6) Kekasih Yang Tak Dianggap - Kertas
7) Situasi - Bunkface
*I love listening to Yuna's song. Damn her voice is so angelic*

7 perkara yang saya selalu sebut

1) Huhu
2) Arkkk
3) Muahaha
4) Lalalalalaa~
5) Crap
6) Cisss
7) Celake

7 perkara amat bernilai

1) Family
2) Friends
3) Hadiah orang bagi
4) Money~
5) The car that I'm using now
6) My PC
7) My wallet and everything in it

7 'pertama kali' dalam hidup saya

1) Arghh~ mana nak ingat~
2) Arghh~ mana nak ingat~
3) Arghh~ mana nak ingat~
4) Arghh~ mana nak ingat~
5) Arghh~ mana nak ingat~
6) Arghh~ mana nak ingat~
7) Arghh~ mana nak ingat~

7 blog yang dipilih untuk tag

1) Blog Afdlin Shauki
2) Blog Mahathir
3) Blog Anwar
4) Blog Lim Kit Siang
5) Blog Raja Petra
6) Blog Hot fm
7) Blog Era fm
Muahahahahahaha


THIS ONE'S FROM JAS

What were you doing 5 years ago?
2003...MCIIUM

What were the 5 things on your to do list today?
1. go to work
2. work
3. have fun at work
4. lepak at my workplace
5. Bermain tenet
*I don't have a to-do-list lah~*

What are 5 snacks that you enjoy?
1. kerepek
2. keropok
3. koko krunch + milk
4. cornflakes + milk
5. aiskim!

What are 5 things that you would do if you a billionaire?
1. I'll turn myself into a multi-billionaire
2. Nak buat beberapa fund/tabung yayasan
3. My dreamhouse!
4. Wanna have a themed restaurant/cafe
5. Wanna travel the world and go places

What are 5 jobs you’ve had?
1. ajar tusyen
2. data-entry
3. research assistant
4. prebet sapu
5. jual dadih

Tag 5 other Blogger….?
1. mahathir
2. anwar ibrahim
3. afdlin shauki
4. lim kit siang
5. raja petra
*muahahahaha*

Becoming & Being Better

I like Islam. Not coz it's my religion. I don't know. I just feel comfortable with it. Well, I'm not really a pious muslim. I'm just a so-so guy with a civic mind. But for some reason, Islam is one thing that I hold dearly. Mind you, I'm not a fanatic~ Before I go further, lets see where I'm standing now...

• I do not miss solah wajib.
• I do solah sunah rawatib (before or after solah wajib) occasionally, when I feel like it. I skip it most of the times.
  
• In my almost 24 years of life, I only perform solah sunah tahajud a few times. That's because we have qiamullail program. I don't think I have ever done it by myself.
• I pay zakat now.
  
• I fast (puasa). Never purposely miss it ever since standard 3.
• I still don't have that intention to collect lots n lots n tonnes of pahala during Ramadhan. Except for fasting and tarawih. I think everything else goes pretty much the same. Lailatul-qadr? still the same... *sigh*
  
• I do perform solah sunah tarawih, but sometimes I'm not so up to it. Tired and lazy~ But I do it anyway, up to 8 rakaah only. huhu.
  
• Solah sunah tarawih 20 rakaah? Not more than 3 times each year. This year? only twice~
• I like to recite the Quran, it makes me feel good. But I seldom go through the meanings.
• I do not want to kill anyone, disobey my parents, zina, steal anything or do any other big sins. Nauzubillah.
• I have a civic mind, but I'm not very pious. I wish I could avoid the smaller sins. But sometimes I purposely do it. But guilty feelings would stick around afterwards. But I do it again anyway :p
• Knowledge regarding Islam? I don't think I have much.

Well, I am a good person. Yes I do think that I am a good person. *tak malu. huhu.* But I do not think that I am a good-enough muslim. Do good deeds. Yep, I could do some. Avoid the bad ones. Nope, can't avoid all. That's where I'm standing now.

It's almost the end of Ramadhan. Am I better than I was last year? Yes. Am I worse than last year? Yes, too. Some part of me became better yet another part became worse. This year I eat moderately for buka puasa. Last year was always 'berhenti selepas kenyang'. I don't recite al-Quran this year as much as I did the years before. Well that's just two simple examples. There are other changes. The thing is, how can I say I'm a better person? or a better muslim?

Regardless of everything, I don't feel really really bad. *A little bad, yeah* Coz I do have the intention of being a better muslim. It's not an easy path. It may take some time. Years, maybe. Or decades. At this rate now, to be honest with myself, sins are not always avoidable. Sometimes things just happen. And sometimes it happens too fast it can't be undone anymore. And sometimes you are putting fun as your priority in life. Sometimes u got lost for a moment, or for a while. I consider that as a detour.

I would always do good deeds. But I also don't have doubt of doing something sinful someday. When you're alone, you tend to get lost easier. Perhaps when I have my own wife and kids to take care of, I won't get lost anymore. Nevertheless, no matter how lost I might be, I know that I would find my way back to the path, the path in becoming a better muslim. With a prayer that He would always be guiding me.

DEAR BLOG, DEAR YOU, DEAR READERS, SELAMAT HARI RAYA. MAAF ZAHIR BATIN. Forgive me if I ever put a cut on your soft, fragile heart. For it was never intended. Wallahu a'lam.

My Convocation

Perhentian Island

Everybody has been updating their blogs like 10 times since last month. And I just have the time to write a new entry today. I thought I'd be having lots of leisure times with this new job. Apparently not. Huhu :p Still, it's fun to be doing what I like to do, though I have to sacrifce a couple of other things that I like to do. Well,there will be times for catching up later, such as today (^_^)v And I even went to Perhentian Island last weekend yeyy!

A lil scandal for a scandalous blog. Huhu :p

It's a lil bit late to mention this, but I had my convocation last 2 weeks, on the 24th of August. Was it super fun? Hmm...so-so, i guess. Well, I've graduated in February, and have been working ever since. I even changed to a new job. So to me it's kinda like 'just a convocation'; nothing serious, nothing grand. What mattered to me then was meeting with my old friends. Yeah, I was expecting a big gathering, catching up with em, getting to know their families. Unfortunately, not much of those happened. All of us got separated right after we got out of the hall and everybody was busy with their family, including me :p Some of them went back early. *sigh* huh~

Nevertheless, some of us managed to gather together and snap some awesome pictures! Although not everyone's in it, but it should be enough for reminiscing later (^_^) As long as the memories remain somewhere~ Huhu. I don't have a camera. These are some of the pics that I could grab from my friends in friendster. There should be more though. But they don't have any reason to upload Lutfi's pics in their photo albums, rite? Huhu.

The sky is yours~

My classmates~ Aku rasa budak yang tak pakai robe tu tak grad lagi kut...she's still in skola rendah~ huhu :p

Yeah, throw some more! Cepat~ Lepas ni dah nak hujan~

My batch~ Luv em all!

Ade ke patut diorang cakap aku macam budak tadika...

Ehem.

My ex. Oops, Ex-image consultant only lah~


Post-convo dinner at Saisaki Buffet.

Muka aku yang cina dah semakin jepun sebab makan sushi banyak sangat~ huhu

****************************

Did you see what I was wearing? Huhuhu. Brand new suit~ and a new haircut too. I mean I just cut my hair short. It was pretty long before. Oh, I would probably shave my head again after raya :p Anyway, despite my not-so-handsome-looking face, the suit made me look pretty damn good, doesn't it? Haha. Mind you, I didn't buy em solely for the sake of convocation. I've always wanted a new suit. I'd be using em a lot after this! Hey, I'm in a professional field~ Gotta have such attire ;)

As always, I suck at shopping clothes. Major suck. Oh, did you notice the green shirt I was wearing inside? I bought that a few months ago in this entry. For the blazer, I bought em on my way to KL. Me and my ma stopped by at East Coast Mall, Kuantan. We went into Parkson and headed straight to G2000 section. Coz I got an info that they're giving lotsa discount on blazers! *Tenkiu McLa!* Huhu. No image consultants too this time. No Arshana, no Ati, no Mun no Ann. My ma was with me, but she didn't know much about suits. *Oh help me God~*. I flipped through the blazers hanging there. No salesgirl was there at the moment.

"Damn, why are there so many to choose from yet they all look the same?! I hate convo~"

I called Arshana. No reply~ "Crap, sape lagi aku bleh contact ni..."

"Razali! Hoho, Zali metrosexual sket. Yeyy!"

I called Zali. No reply~ "Tak guna, Zali. Ko gi mana~ Huuu~" *almost cried..huhu :p *

Then the salesgirl came out from the storage room. Luckily she was very helpful! (^_^) Telling me the differences and asking me to try this and this and that. Then Zali called. "Yeyy! Saviour!" As expected, he knows everything bout mens' clothing! - The buttons, the shape, the cut, the collar, the latest design, the in-thing! - I'm telling you he knows everything about it! Like a fashion guru~ huhu.

I also tried the pants. I spent about 2 hours there and called Zali like 5 times asking for guidance! Muahaha :p And who do you think made the final decision? My mom? Me? Guess again~ It's the salesgirl. Hahaha. Yep, she said this blazer fit me better over that one and that one coz bla bla bla. I don't mind, coz she's pretty cute and seemed like to know what she's saying. I will follow you~ Huhu. I almost bought a pair of black pants there too. Tried 4-5 pair of pants, then retried them again and again coz I'm sooo damn unsure bout how a good pair of pants supposed to be. When I was about to buy the one that I thought was the best, she said "Err..isn't the waist a little too big..?" Unfortunately they don't have a smaller size. Huhu. So afterwards, I text Zali,

"Jom kita kuar shopping esok! (^_^)"

Bought a new pair of black pants and a sleek tie with Zali at Midvalley on the next day! And Zali was also the one who helped me collect my convo robe the week before. Tenkiu very much Zali! I owe u big time!~ huhu. But I have to iron the robe the night before convo and it was super irritating! Mmg sumpah seranah la time gosok jubah tu. I hate convo~ Huhu.

P/s: To the juniors who are going to have your convocation next year. If you want to get what I wanted to have on your convocation day, do make plans with your friends! Oh, I don't mean the suit lah! Hahaha. I mean the big gathering with your friends and their families~ know the flow of programme on that day and plan earlier with all your friends on when to meet and where to meet and what to do. Let your family be friends with your friends' families. Not to mention you can take lotsa pics that way with everyone in it. So your convo wud be more happening! And guys, we're science students, so make some noise! Huhu (^_^) Hey, kitorang je yang baling mortar board tu tau!~ huhuhu. Oh, sweet memories~ ONE MORE THING!! AKU BERJAYA BUAT 'PEACE' KAT ATAS PENTAS SELEPAS AMIK SCROLL!! I don't have the pic, but it should be in the video. MUAHAHA~ Oh, I luv being a science graduate from Kulliyyah of Science IIUM! Coz we are wacky! (^_^)v

Who Do U Tell Your Stories To?

When you're gazing on the beautiful full moon on a cold yet heart-warming night, you would wanna tell someone about it. What you did, where you went, who you met, whatever happened or will happen to you, you would wanna tell it to someone. Be it your mum & dad, brothers or sisters, friends or lover(s). But I don't.

People like to talk about themselves. They always have stories to tell. But not me, I'm a lousy storyteller. And I don't think what happens in my life are of any importance to others. Sometimes I regret it after telling my life stories to others. Coz I'd think it wasn't important at all. Blogging is excluded, though. Coz blogging is more like writing a diary and letting others read it on their own free will.

I'm actually a quiet person. Despite how some of you have known me as, I am so not a talkative guy. I could be one, but I'm naturally not one. I suck at storytelling, I'm naturally not good at talking, but I do able to talk about ideas and facts. Even so, I would always prefer listening to talking. Sometimes I talk and tell only coz I feel the need to.

I enjoy looking at things. I enjoy listening to people. I hate people nagging at me, though. Huhu. Can't say I don't enjoy talking. I just don't feel like telling people about myself all of a sudden. I don't mind replying, responding and sharing in the means of talking. But I wouldn't prefer to start a conversation. You ask me and I shall answer kindly, it's always been that way to me. If you reach out your hand, I would gladly accept.

A couple of friends told me I wouldn't keep in touch with them if they didn't contact me first. I'm sorry. It's just me. But it doesn't mean I don't treasure you guys. I'm always glad if you guys keep in touch with me. And everytime you reach out for me, I'd definitely welcome you with my warmest heart (^_^)

License to Drive, Ticket for Speeding

I spent one whole week in KL + JB. Just got back in IIUM Kuantan last night. Pretty tiring~ But a man has got to work and have fun. Huhu. It's for my research project. We need to take blood samples from pesticde sprayers. Therefore we need to visit some estates and deal with their managers. Tiring, but wasn't so bad. We used the company's Avanza. Each of us got RM 40 daily allowance. We could claim for mileage and tolls. Kinda like going to KL for free~ huhu. Then 2 days ago my boss asked me n MJ23 to represent him to visit a practical student in JB. Well, another cuti-cuti Malaysia for us! We didn't get daily allowance, but getting the accomodation fee was good enough! lalalalalaa~ (^_^)

So, I've been driving and going places all week. Based at Taman Melati, we went to Lembah Beringin, Subang (3 times), Sg. Buloh, Petaling Jaya, Putrajaya, Johor Bharu, Gombak, and of coz, back to Kuantan terchenta.

I've been driving for about 6 years. I got my license to drive after SPM, when I was 18. I love driving! Especially if it's a good car and the radio works fine. What's a car without a radio, huh~ huhu. I'm not from a rich family. So far the best car I've driven was my sister's Satria Neo. Damn, that felt really good :D

My siblings (except my lil sis) are all racers. Ok, that's a bit stretching it. Hehe. But we really like to drive fast. Not like fast and furious, just faster than average drivers :p How fast can a proton get anyway~ I have 5 brothers, the craziest one was the fourth. My Kak Long, she's wicked too. Nevertheless, we don't do reckless driving. All of us drive safely (^_^)v

Throughout these 6 years of driving, never have I got into any accident. Told ya, I drive safely ;) And the traffic officer was never kind enough to give me any ticket for speeding or for breaking any rules and regulations on the road, until last monday. Darn it~ I was driving the company's Avanza on MRR2 Kepong when suddenly there's a road block ahead. The officer let the car in front of me passed. Owh, ok, lalalalalaa~ But then he pointed the red flag at me then shoved the flag (with utmost determination and power) to his right. As for me, I thought the Avanza was too big to go straight, so he wanted me to move a little to the left. Ok, dum da dum da daa~ to the left, to the left~ Naive and innocent, huh? Right after I passed the officer with the red flag. There's another officer on my left blowed up his whistle like there's no tomorrow. Almost reached 150 decibel. Ok, now I know what's happening...

Another officer approached as I opened the window. Hey, dummy. You went straight into our trap. Muahaha! We caught you driving at 106km/h. The speed limit here is 80km/h, just so you know lah. yada yada yada~ Gotcha! (I've changed the dialogue. He actually spoke like A. Galak, and in Malay, u know, like traffic police~ huhu). So, my first ticket other than parking tickets and movie tickets and bus tickets. 80km/h, can u guys believe that? For God's sake, it's a three-lane road! It wasn't even busy at the time. And you guys want me to drive below 80? Who the hell's in charge on this speed-limit thing anyway? Tak logik langsung!~ The highway's speed limit of 110km/h is also unfashionably irrelevant. Or you guys are so broke that u need to 'legally' con my money? I don't mind getting summons or tickets for things that are truly logically wrong that I did. But this one, my mind simply couldn't comprehend~

Arghhh~ can't stand being led by incompetents. I'd be glad to follow logical and relevant rules. But they made too many stupid and ridiculous rules for us to abide by~ Gotta get myself up there someday. So many stupid rules that need to be amended and abolished!

New Shirts! Lalalalalaaa~ (^_^)

Ahhh~ it's good to have money~ and it's even better when you have the time to spend it :) I just rewarded myself with two brand new G2000 shirts! Bought them at the newly opened Parkson East Coast Mall. One is THIS colour, and the other one is THIS colour. Bright eay? Yepyep! I've always wanted a cool, soft-bright colored shirt (^_^)

All I got in this metal wardrobe of IIUM are plain black (bought during matric), striped grey (given by sis), striped black (bought for AGD 2006), navy blue (given by mom), purple (given by mom) and maroon (given by sis). Oh, don't forget THE orange shirt! It's a very beautiful shirt, picked by 4 picky young ladies :p Haha. Thanks, girls! but I only wore it once or twice :p How should I say this...ermm...it's too 'casanovic' for me to wear it on normal days. And there hasn't been any,ehem ehem, prestigous occasion since, ehem ehem, KOS Gala Nite (AGD 2007). Lagipun malas nak iron lah~ :p I like the purple one, but it needs heavy ironing, so I seldom wear it :p God, I'm soo terrible at ironing~ So terrible that I'm hating it. :(

Having bought those 2 shirts makes me feel really really jubilant, extremely happy, sooo blissful~ (^_^) It wasn't planned. We just went there to grab some KFC, then later we had a lil tour in the new mall, went into Parkson, and "Oh, Why don't I buy a shirt?...Yeah...Why don't I...hmmm...no reason not to...I've always wanted a light colored shirt...Yeyy!"

Didn't look around much for shirts, just a lil here and a lil there. Then I went straight for G2000. They always have great selections - Simple-yet-stylish designs, vibrant colors, and nice cuts. Just what I needed. And they sure lived up to my expectation ;)

I suck at buying shirts. As far as I remember, the only shirt I bought by myself was the plain black one. Haha. And no more image consultants a.k.a 4 picky young ladies to help me this time. Those guys I ate KFC with, didn't really help much :p I was basically on my own this time, and the shirt wasn't plain black... (I know, this is not your worst case scenario, but mind u, it was to me, really~ :p)

Well...it wasn't that bad, coz I've chosen the shirt I want, so the problem then was just the size. Even so, I kept asking the salesgirl each time I tried a shirt on. Is it OK? Do I look good? Does it fit me? Should I try a smaller size? Bigger size? What do you think, S or M? This one is better or the previous was? and I kept on thinking with my clueless mind~ huhu. I know it's her job, but it's pretty nice of her to help. Ok, MJ23 (one of the friends I ate KFC with) helped a bit too, by being there waiting patiently. Huhu.

When I was about to pay for the shirt, she said, "There's a promotion. If you buy 2, it's RM149." One is RM89...*Congak2 dlm kepala jap* I looked at MJ23. A few words (less than 10 words) of encouragement from him (which I already forget now), then I go, "OK, let's pick another one!" Seeing me clueless again, the salesgirl suggested, "How bout THIS? It looks young and lively." My answer? "OK." (^_^)

I haven't felt sooo contented for a very long time. Have you ever do jigsaw puzzle? The 1000, or 5000 pieces. Once in a while there would be one piece that is so hard to find. Then you just ignored it and continue with others. After a while, u suddenly decided to search for it again, and there it is, right under your nose. Not just that. After u fit it in, it gives you a complete picture of something. A complete mesmerizing maple tree, for example. (^_^)

I've wanted the shirt for years. And now I have 2! Now that I have those two in my wardrobe, my wardrobe seems whole lot lively and fresh (^_^) And guess what, they are WRINKLE-FREE!!~ (^_^)(^_^)(^_^)

Footnote: Next, a pair of black WRINKLE-FREE pants! (^_^)

The breakup songs : Chapter 1

[Background song while I'm writing this: Dan Sebenarnya, by Yuna, but disumbangkan by Zack (my roomate)]

After the SHE series (refer to archive July and August 2007), I haven't really talk about my breakup, have I? Hmmm...more than a year has passed since the day she let me go. Nothing much, it's just that I've been thinking a bit, about how I've been doing throughout this one year. Wiser, yes. Better, too ;)

BEFORE

I wasn't an introvert, but more like a 'close' person. I don't socialize much with girls, except with the friends I'm very familiar with. Not because I couldn't, but it's because I wouldn't. My instinct told me to keep my distance from the other gender. Why? I didn't really know why. It just felt safer that way.

I wasn't a really bad muslim. A lil bad perhaps, with some bad deeds here and there. What can I say~ Average human with flaws. Huhu :p

As a person, putting aside my action and reaction towards girls, I think I'm a pretty nice dude. The guys who really knew me back then would say I'm a decently nice guy :p

DURING

I started to open myself up a bit. I dunno, it just felt safer with her attached to me. My heart was with her, so other girls couldn't do anything to it. Hence, I started to get to know my female colleagues. No other agenda, simply for the sake of friendship, catching up a couple of years that I had missed.

I think I was a better muslim. Well, I did a couple of big mistakes, in which I very very much regretted later. But in terms of faith, I wouldn't know for sure coz it's His judgment, but I think I was closer to Him than before. Even after she did what she did, I still reach out for her. I loved her for the sake of Allah. That's how I always thought about us, though in the end I was not appreciated. Did I not try hard enough...? I wondered.

As a person...I think I got nicer as well. Now it's ok to be kind to everyone, regardless of their genders. I even got myself a nice lil' sis.

AFTER

I'm still being open. I did consider going back to the me before, but I think I am wise enough to handle my relationship with anyone now. A little insecure though, because I've taken my heart back from her and keep it with me. It's a little wobbly in my care :p Nonetheless, I manage to keep it safe to this very day.

Yes, a much better muslim. I learnt from my mistakes. I have a stronger faith, I'd say. But I really have to work on the practical part. Dah lama tak puasa sunat ni. Selalu subuh ala elephant plak tu~ tsk tsk tsk~

Still a nice person....though many may disagree :p

I'm holding back a little. Gotta be careful with what I do. Since this blog is read by many, let's not venture much into this part ;)

Lalalalalaaa~ good goody goody~

Has it been very long since the last update? Sorry, too hooked up with dotA. Oh, for the jahil ones, dotA is a game extended from the infamous Warcraft III, but this one is played on LAN. For the jahilier ones, LAN is Local Area Network :p

Oh, btw, good news! Somehow I got A for my final year project. HAHAHA. That's not a laugh of happiness. It's just funny, coz I submitted 4 days late. Oh, another good news! This one is far better than getting A for FYP :p I've moved to a new room and we have wireless broadband in my room! Lalalalalaaa~ Blogging from my room? You bet I am!! Heaven~ muahaha. I chat, I surf, and guez what, I did some personality quiz :p Here are some of the results! (Achtung! For entertainment only, do not believe~ especially the good ones ) Alternative medicine guru, can u believe that? hohoho

Personality Test

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. In love, you truly see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow. You enjoy relationships as long as they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation. At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher. How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

What Your Handwriting Says About You

You are sometimes a very energetic person, but you are sometimes quite lethargic. You're moody, prone to ups and downs, and you don't have a lot of endurance. You range from very outgoing to very shy. You are a shapeshifter who is very versatile. You adapt well, and you look at things from many angles. You are balanced and grounded. You know how to get along well with others. You need a lot of space in your life, and it's easy for you to feel stifled. You avoid commitment and responsibility whenever you can. You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart. You are a poor communicator. No one really knows exactly what you're getting at.

Your Personality is Very Rare (ENTP)

Your personality type is optimistic, curious, enthusiastic, and open. Only about 4% of all people have your personality, including 3% of all women and 5% of all men. You are Extroverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

I did another one entitled "What Kind Of Candy Are You?". But I'd rather not post the result here coz it sounds too good :p

I am student

I've submitted my thesis, 4 days after the due date yeyy! Yepyep, I'm the only one who submitted late. Funny, during that one week, I watched lots of movies, I read manga, went to KL, went on a field trip with the juniors, clean my room (haha), eat out a lot, and God knows what else I've been doing but my thesis! But in the end, I'm still satisfied with my finally submitted thesis (^_^)

Life has been different, I guess. I simply wanna enjoy life as a plain, normal, average student. Below average, sometimes :p Ever since the 2nd year of my student life, there were things on my shoulder, things in my mind, things in my hands. It got heavier in my 3rd year, and during my 4th year, God, it's heavy. Study for a science degree, having a not-so-understanding girlfriend, and at the same time being someone everyone are depending on, God, it's heavy.

People have high expectations from you. You have to know lotsa things, you have to talk a lot, you have to know everything, you have to care about everything, keep track of things. You have to squeeze your brain constantly, to think, think and keep thinking. You have to think for other people's sake, never yours. You have to finish your assignments as well, write your reports, and study for quizzes and exams, you cannot fail!

You have to know people, you have to keep people together, you have to solve other people's fights. You even have to wear a more-than-proper attire, people are looking at you, watching you. Lutfi, wear shoes! You have to set a good example.

You have to have time, even when there is none. Sacrifice a lil bit of these, and a lil bit of those, and a lil bit of these and those. You have a mother, living alone at home. And you were saying to yourself, shouldn't you be putting a smile on her face instead of everybody else's face? Dilemma, here and there and everywhere. You have a girlfriend, Oh, no, now you don't have her anymore. Perhaps, you were too busy back then? REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING MENTIONED ABOVE, YOU HAVE TO SMILE SINCERELY.

But believe me, it was in my 4th year that I truly felt blessed. I had great nakama (it's japanese, it means comrades, companions) and I had wonderful friends. I still have them all! I got to know my juniors. I'm closer to my seniors. I had tonnes of joyous moments. I had great experiences. I grew up, more than I could imagine. My 4th year was heavy, yes, but no regret whatsoever, not a slight of regret.

Now, time has passed. I'm no longer attached to all those have-tos. The baton had been passed to someone far greater than I was. I have faith in him (^_^) Hence, I am rest assured and can really enjoy my normal 'student' life now (even though I'll be graduating a few weeks from now :p). It's just as great as last year, but whole lot lighter. No exams, no girlfriend and no one is expecting anything from me.

I'm not a student anymore. But it just feels sooo good to act like an average student. As light as a feather, I feel like floating whereever I go, and in whatever I do. I'm going home more often. I don't have to think as much about other people, for other people. I can act stupid, like a know-nothing brat. Not that many people know me now. And I'm not treated like a somebody anymore. I'm the same as everyone else yeyy! I wear what I feel like wearing. Hey, I wear jeans and t-shirt to functions, and wait for the free food after the programmes, like any other students! I don't have to give speeches! Lalalalalaaa~ No more dealing with VIPs or having to enjoy refreshments with them instead of with my friends! Most importantly, I HAVE MORE TIME FOR MYSELF! Huahaha~ carefree~ life is indeed great, and it's getting even better everyday! (^_^)V

undeserving

My thesis is less than 20% complete while most of my friends already submitted their drafts to respective supervisors. Who am I kidding? So help me God~ Err..but God doesn't help the people who's not putting any effort! I don't think I'm on his list-to-be-helped yet. Ok, then. God, please enlighten me a little so that I would put my best effort! Somehow I feel a lil better now(^_^) Chayo chayo lutfi!

Ok, putting my thesis issue aside, I'd like to talk about something else!

My sister once told me that she didn't deserve a brother like me. And I said to her How do you know if anybody deserves anything? How do you justify that? And how do you know I don't deserve a sister like you? We don't know all that, but I'm here, so accept and enjoy.

Yeah, I was the one saying that, but now I'm having the same problem. People are being nice to me lately. Too nice and kind that I felt undeserving. Zali suddenly bought me a BigMac a few days ago. Nyum2! An acquaintance bought me those nice karipap peramu that I really love. An old companion gave me a Hush Puppies shirt! Lovely! (^_^). A friend just gave me home made Tom Yam for dinner tonite, damn delicious I wanna cry~. Not to mention all those birthday presents I received previously from my closest friends. My sis has been giving me too many stuffs, I lost count :p

Is it karma or is it sorta like good things that happen before something bad takes place? Well, it couldn't be karma. Ask anyone (but my sis), they'd say I am everything, except kind. Someone has been telling me that I'm a pain in the ass, and that I'm also cruel and stingy. I agree :p Plus, at this moment, being kind would bring troubles. My wish needs me to be cruel :)

All in all, if it isn't karma...Then, something really bad may happen to me after this. I better be prepared (^_^)


P/s: if you wanna give a comment, make me look as bad as possible ;)

minit-minit terakhir

My final year project presentation went ok last Friday :) I was a bit (actually, very) sleepy that morning , though. I had to pull an all-nighter preparing the presentation slides. Yep, no sleep~ Now, now, don't mistakenly think that I'm a hardworking student. I just had to stay up all night coz I started preparing the slides just that Thursday morning. Haha, the funny thing is, I only managed to complete a single slide all day long.

When I have a personal academic thing to do like exams, presentations, quizzes and so on, I tend to be doing something else, unnecessary things, wasting my times etc. Such as?...chatting with friends, munching some snacks, 'lepak-lepak', 'jalan-jalan', reading manga, watch a movie, sorting files on my computer, looking at old pictures, listening to songs, anything. As long as my mind says 'i still have time~', the progress would be near 0%. Or it really is 0%...?

SO, I ended up really concentrating on doing my slides at midnight! Was it at 12am? No, no, choosing the slide design took me another hour, if not more, huhu. There were a couple of mistakes in the slides, but having it done in one night, I'm more than satisfied. The marks I got didn't matter (^_^)

Yes, I admit, I'm a lazy bum :p But somehow, i think the intense pressure just excites me. It's like all sorts of hormones (except estrogen :p) are pumping out at the time. It's like taking drugs, making me high or something :p And all the neurons in the brain are charging each other up. It's stimulating, I think my brain works better under pressure. I have better focus, better creative ideas.

*sigh* I couldn't even comprehend myself. Why can't I just do my works earlier like everyone else? Why do I like to procrastinate? Why do I like to waste my time, especially at critical times like that?! Always doing things at the very last minute. It's obviously insane~ Not to mention risky! I have to change somehow, or I may end up having a heart attack~ God forbid!

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On another occasion,

My ex-future wife (yes,that's how serious I was), I wished her birthday, though it's a bit late. I'd like us to continue as friends, but I don't think she's up for it. We agreed to be friends a couple of times before, and then we spoilt it again and again, arguing. The shattered pieces of trust can never be found again, I guess.