November 21st

My life changed a lot since last year. Having a special girlfriend (at that time) made me feel secured. I wasn't afraid anymore. I started to open myself up more and more. Having a high position in the Science Students' Society, that needed me to open myself up whole lot more. Having these two big things in my life, I couldn't contain my true self anymore. So here I am now, 'truly loved' by some, and 'truly loved and slightly hated at the same time' by most :p

22nd November 2007, 5.52pm. I suddenly got a call from a colleague, Kak Sofie.

"Lutfi, the car broke down. The engine won't start. We're at Taman Bandar. Help!"

Well, the call wasn't that short, I even called her back after that, but that's the gist of it :p So Fauzan and I tried to find a 'jumper', u know, a pair of cables used to start a car engine using the battery of another car. We managed to borrow it from a security guard. Haha. I was on the phone with my Kak Long when we reach there, so I just let Fauzan do the work. After I hung up and turned to them..."Happy Birthday!!!" Kak Sofie, Nurul, Ann, Arshana, Mun, Sitot, Isma, and of course, Fauzan. Err..my batch only have 3 guys including me :p I got a brand new watch, an innocent-looking champaigne-colored tie and the yummiest sweetest chocolates! lalalalalaa~ Thank you very very much!! Oh, don't forget that delicious cake! TQ!

Surprised, surprised. I honestly didn't know how to react. I did not sure which feeling should I be feeling. Happy? Touched? Overjoyed? Or perhaps, scared? I honestly did not sure. I was kinda numb for a while. It wasn't that unexpected, but I was dumbfounded nevertheless. I was happy and touched, but i think I was scared as well. Scared of what...? I had no idea.

My birthday is on the 21st of November. My sisters wished me. My mother wished me as well. My bestfriend called me from Germany. I truthfully didn't expect to be celebrated, wished, or even remembered on my birthday other than by my mother and my sisters. To be frank, I actually tried to avoid it. A week before my birthday, I changed my date of birth in my friendster account. I agreed to switch my simcard with my sister who was going to Germany for a week. Razali wished me in the morning of 21st. Luckily he was already on his way to KL, I told him not to tell anyone else. I went to the lab and did my work on my final year project (FYP) like every other day. I tried to talk normally with my friends at the lab, in my heart hoping that they wouldn't remember. I usually asked them the day's date, to label my samples. But that day and the day after, I avoided asking them. I avoided going out with them, thinking that the less they see me, the less chance they will remember my birthday. And they certainly fooled me, acting like it was just another ordinary frustrating day of doing FYP. Haha. I didn't know what was it that I was so afraid of, and why I thought and acted that way. After the day ended, it was a big relief. Thank God they didn't remember!

The 22nd was just like the day before. Only that my FYP co-supervisor called wishing me happy birthday. He asked me whether everyone else knew, and I immediately answered YES, NO NEED TO REMIND THEM. I thought I was already 'safe'. Well, that late afternoon, my friends proved me wrong.

I kept thinking what was it that I was so scared of, why I was afraid for them to remember my birthday. Yes, if they remembered my birthday, then I have to remember theirs, and I'm soo not good in remembering anything~ Yep, If they gave me any present, then I would have to give them something on their birthday too~ Or perhaps, I would pity them if their prank on me didn't work, oh that would be sad~

I finally found my answer. Surprisingly, none of the above really matters.

Funny, I was actually afraid to be loved. I was afraid to know that I am loved by the people around me. I was afraid to realize that I am loved by my friends THAT much. And what truly scared me the most was that I do not know whether I am loving them as much as they love me, and whether I have been treating them as nice as how they treat me. But now I know one thing for sure. They are family. And I absolutely love them as much as they love me, if not more. And each of them has a special place in my heart, always. Thank you Allah for leading me to them. Sofie, Arshana, Azhane, Munirah, Siti Fatimah, Isma, Nurul, and Fauzan, this piece is for u guys. Love y'all so much!

Death

For those who are a bit sensitive, or easily get scared, I warn you, don't read this. Especially Ann, Do not read.

Yes, it is sensitive to some people. Why do people avoid thinking about it? It may happen a hundred years later. It may happen tomorrow. It can even be this second right now while you are reading this line. What is it? It's death. Just so you know, death is inevitable. Oh, you already knew? :p Yepyep, sooner or later, we all gonna die. Now don't say that I'm telling you lies, coz that is one solid fact you can't deny.

Allah saved me so many times. My friends helped me a lot. Sometimes i thought it's weird for me to still be able to breathe this beautiful life. But most of the times, God knows how grateful I am. I have my loved ones, my family and my friends. I hold a few dearly in my heart, wishing that I could meet one of them again when I'm ready :)

When I was in primary school, I played a lot with a chinese friend of mine. One time, we went playing on a small hill. All the trees had been cleared up for construction. And there was this wall of rocks, or should I say, a cliff? (My vocab sucks, forgive me~) It was quite high, and I was just a little boy back then.

"Yun Ming, let's climb to the top!" I said to my friend. Speaking in chinese, of course.

Perhaps he's smarter than me, he refused :p So, I climbed it myself, confidently~ huhu. It was exciting!...at first lah~ after that...haha..just when I'm about to reach the top, I could not find any other rock that I could grab on. I couldn't go further up. I looked down...

Crap, was it this high before?! If I fall down, it's either dead or a few broken bones for sure.. Wait, where's Yun ming? He's not down there! Now where the hell did he go when I need him?! Oh, my mum's gonna be so pissed off if anything happen to me...Hmm...would she be sad if I die right here today? I might be in the newspaper tomorrow..."a boy fall down from a cliff while playing with his friend"...hmm...They might interview Yun Ming...and perhaps my mother too...I could imagine her crying...

I still couldn't move an inch. God, I was scared, I really was. The warm sweat started to feel cold. My palms was getting sweaty too. I couldn't hold much longer. God, please help me. Please help me, God. Then suddenly, I saw a hand! I looked up. Yun Ming! I've never been so glad to see him :p He grabbed my hand and pulled me up to safe. Haha, actually he took another totally 100% safe path to go up there, unlike stupid little lutfi.

Throughout nearly 23 years of my life, I had faced several dangerous situation. Hoho. The world is such a dangerous place. So many incidents with my bicycle. Motorcycle accident, once. Haha, that one was scary. A little faster then i might get drug under a truck. There were two incidents in which another inch might have caused me to go blind. Oh, the bus accident was a wonderful experience :) Just several weeks ago I was sooo close to get struck by lightning that I could hear the sound of electrical charges ripping the air at my right ear. A friend of mine walking on my left side already "jatuh terduduk", flabbergasted, shocked by what he just saw. Nevertheless, everytime I managed to get through those situations, it made me feel more alive. It made me remember Him. I like to do crazy stuffs too. I'm not afraid of a few cuts and bruises. But don't worry, I would never do anything reckless. Never ever. I do take risks, but nothing more than I can take ;)

I was lucky for countless times. Alhamdulillah. I do think about death sometimes, especially when I was in a life-threatening situation, and it actually made feel calm. Nauzubillah, I don't want anything bad that would end my beautiful life. But when my time really comes, be it 100 years later, be it tomorrow, be it now, I hope I can accept my fate. I hope I won't have any regret. I hope I won't regret on things that I haven't accomplished. What I hope the most is for my friends and families, for them to keep on living their beautiful lives. I hope they won't have any regrets or grudges on me. Like how they keep me in their hearts, let the unspoken words buried in their hearts too. Coz what done is done. what gone is gone. There'll be no turning back of time.

-Dying is the hardest part of living- Lutfi, November 5th, 2007

a layman's view on Islam : Akhlaq

Akhlaq in a layman's term would be moral conduct.

As far as I know, the Prophet (peace be upon him) was 'sent down' to improve our akhlaq. How?

With Islam :)

For a layman like me, it's very simple. Be good, be sincere, be kind, be very kind, be thoughtful, be generous, be tolerant, be modest, be patient, be clean, be acceptable, be responsible, be pleasant, be nice, be friendly, be lovable, respect others and so on so forth. Even a small ant need to be respected, as long as it doesn't disturb us. That to me, is what akhlaq is about.

You never missed your congregational solah, you even pray additional solah, you always wear robe, looking like a pious muslim, you fast in Ramadhan, you recite Quranic verses with beautiful voice, u performed Hajj (pilgrimage), BUT, you drive your car dangerously, you litter, you neglect your responsibilties, you torture a mosquito, you look down on others, you never smile, you act annoyingly, you act selfishly, you think only for your own good! Now where is the akhlaq nurtured through your ibadah?

This world wasn't made for you alone. There are other humans, there are other creatures. If you're only focusing on your direct ibadah towards Allah (solah, fasting, reciting Quran etc.), how islamic do you think you are when you ignore everything else, and everyone else around you are HATING you?

Ibadah supposed to nurture good akhlaq. But some muslims are too focus on ibadah that they forgot to be kind, give a smile to others or lend a helping hand. Being a pious muslim and a successful person, he/she looks down on laymen. And so i ask, where is the beautiful of Islam in the eyes of a layman? Seeing us like that, with a bad akhlaq, would the non-muslims be interested to embrace Islam?

Islam is moderate. Therefore, perform your ibadah, and at the same time, be good, be sincere, be kind, be very kind, be thoughtful, be generous, be tolerant, be modest, be patient, be clean, be acceptable, be responsible, be pleasant, be nice, be friendly, be lovable, respect others and so on so forth.

Be a wonderful muslim, for yourself, and to the people around you. (^_^)