Friends In Need Are Friend Indeed

Friends in trouble, so I helped. Well, everyone has their own trouble to deal with, don't they? I do, too. But I would still help in any way I can, even if it troubles me some times. Perhaps I've been reading too much manga. 

Now that I'm married, I think I should start thinking of her well-being. Sometimes helping a friend means jeopardizing her. It's hard not to lend a hand, but when I lend a hand to someone else, it's like I'm embracing her with only an arm. I may put her in harm.

When you're a little child, your parents are everything to you. When you're a youth, your friends are everything. When you're married, your family is everything. Those who are not yet married may not understand this. That's why, when you are planning to get married, find someone who can accept your parents, siblings, and friends.

A good friend of mine needed to borrow a sum of money a couple of months ago. We didn't have much money at that time, but I still wanted to help. It was pretty risky to lend out that much at that time because we needed that money for something else as well, but I'm so glad that my wife agreed to it. She's really like an angel in my eyes at that moment. I felt relieved to be able to help a friend in need. Besides, he promised to settle the debt at the end of the month.

Or so he said. We still didn't get the money back, even though we really need it now. But I still can't help thinking that he's also struggling to pay us back as soon as possible. I'm thinking that he is also in a desperate situation. I guess today is his day. Perhaps my day too will come sooner or later. May Allah have mercy on me. Besides, there's something about a bond between men that women may never understand. I hope my wife will just accept it. Haha. I'll just have to resort to something else to solve our impending problem. Time is running out.

Semoga Allah bukakan pintu rezeki kami dengan seluas-luasnya...

A Wish For You, Dear

All praises to The Almighty, for giving us everything we had, everything we have, and everything that we will have. Here I am, all grateful to Him for this life of mine. And am even more grateful for the life that He bestowed upon a person so dear to me 26 years ago. For she is now the greatest gift for me from Him. 

Happy 26th birthday, my love, my life, my dear wife. May Allah bless you in every second of your life.

I hope I am the greatest gift for you. I love you.

Sweating!

It felt good to finally get my lazy ass off the bed in the early morning, went out for the fresh morning air, and worked up a good sweat! But it's KL. The air isn't as fresh as in my hometown, Kuala Terengganu. 

For such a long time, I finally started jogging again. Oh wait, when did I ever jog regularly? Haha. Nevertheless, sweating felt good! I hope it would reduce my chances of having ulcers in my mouth. I often have ulcers in my mouth. It comes out everywhere, on my lips, tongue, cheek, gums. Right now I have a big one on my upper lip. Not a month passed by without an ulcer. And it really ruins my dining experience. My wife is one helluva cook, I'm telling you! 

So I have this one theory. Due to lack of exercise and sweating, my body has become acidic and toxic, and perhaps contains lots of negative charges. Hence the ulcers keep visiting. 

But after jogging today, I had these rashes arms, belly and torso. Kinda itchy too. Some on my back too. Goggled it and found something about Exercise urticaria. Thank god it's harmless. It felt better after an hour or so. I hope it doesn't keep coming whenever I exercises. I don't remember having it before, so I hope it won't come next time! I wanna jog again tomorrow! (if my bed allows me to :P)

History

We learn histories in schools. We read about histories. Many were amazed by various historical figures, what they did, the sequences of events, and what their impacts to our nation as well as the whole world. Little do we realize that as I'm writing this, and as you are reading this, histories are made somewhere. Perhaps not so far from you. Many years from now, our children, our children's children might be reading about what we today regard as unimportant, a waste of time, or even rubbish.

Tok Janggut is a hero today, but back then he was labelled as a rebel, a terrorist. Even the Malay stooges who were working with the British also opposed Tok Janggut. Perhaps it's because they thought it's the right thing to do. It might also be that it's the only way they know how to feed their family. It's hard to blame the policemen and the armies. They are too loyal to the person in charge of them. 

Winners write histories. Luckily, internet is available to all today. So the one who lost in a war can also share his side of the story. But what every child will learn in school are still going to be histories narrated by the winners. Not that they are bad. Perhaps everything written is the truth. But, do you think the whole story will be told? Certainly some parts will be missing. Only when the winner loses then the untold stories will be told.

People fight for what they think is right. Whether they are truly right or not, future history books will help us decide. But histories are made as we speak. In the past, I did several things to make my own history, to fill in my own history book. It's solely for me. What if my country is undergoing a historical change today? In the future, I would ask myself, "Where was I when this happened? Why was I not part of them who changed this nation?". It may be, or may not be written in a history book, one day. What if it will be? And what if my grandchild ask me,"Grandpa, where were you when this happened?" It would be so not cool to answer,"Err...Grandpa was at home watching TV." 

I want to tell stories to my grandchildren. I want to be part of the history that creates their future. 

Cozy Home

It's only been 2 months since we started living together in our new home. Rented house. Still, feels really homey for me. For her too, I'm sure. Of course she misses her parents. Me? I'm worried a lot about my mother living alone on the other side of Peninsular. Hope I can go back more often. 

It was only 6 weeks before our parents decided on our marriage. Alhamdulillah, everything went well. It wasn't really our dream wedding, but we couldn't be grateful enough to finally be married. So during those 6 weeks, we were frantically searching for a house to rent. At first we thought we would just kept staying where we were at that time - with our friends - but what the hell, what's the point of getting married if we're not living together? Right?

We finally got hold of this house. Got the keys right after we got back from our honeymoon (I leave this honeymoon topic to my dear wife, k!). We got back on Thursday, got the keys on Friday, cleaned up the house on the weekend, and it's our home sweet home ever since! Quite a decent house, I'd say. I don't know which category it falls...Apartment? Shophouse? 3-4 storeys with shoplots downstairs. 

The old tenants left their TV and fridge. Sweet! The TV is working alright but the fridge never got cold. Haha. So we bought another one. A couple can't live without a fridge! Seemed like the house were meant to be rented out for students since there were only single beds and working desks, but we made good use of those. We combined 2 single beds and I bought a new queen-size mattress. So it's practically a queen bed now. Oh, did I mention I bought a new sofa as well? I'm writing this piece on our sofa right now ;)

And all the wedding gifts we received really helped in making our house a home. Thank you very much! (^_^)

A New Bloom Inspiration

Most people think that when you have a good English, you can write whatever, whenever you want to. And people around me think that I have a good command of English. When compared with average Malaysian, honestly it's only just a little tiny slightly bit above average. It still can't be considered good. I hate reading novels coz i can hardly understand what they are saying. It's too difficult for me. That's why I love reading manga. Mangas use simpler language, and they have pictures! It's fun to read~

Despite my level of English, I do feel that once in while I came out with a great piece. I do feel that what I wrote somehow touched the hearts of a few readers. In the past, negativity inspires me the most when it comes to writing. Like the lava of an erupting volcano, the sadness and the unsettling heart bring out the very core of emotion, the utmost sincerity. I was called to put those emotion on this white sheet in hoping that the uneasiness would flow, away from me.

Having said that, it's really difficult to write a really good piece when my heart is in good hands.

I am truly happy and comfortable with my life that now everything else seems irrelevant. Facebook, socializing, gaming, and blogging as well. The only thing I'm still dearly holding on to is reading Manga. I thought I need not to express my feelings much since I now have a wife that I can talk to. Even when I'm having a bad day, she's all that I need. When I'm happy, I only need to share it with her. And when I'm in love, who do you think I'm in love with? And I thought that I'm already being a wonderful husband to her. Well I thought wrong. Suffice to say, women are complex creations. They hunger for verbal expressions. They feed on words. The sweeter, the better. (I meant this in a good way :P )

So my dearest wife, be patient. I'm not sure how well I can write in this happiness you're embracing me with. Part of me is afraid. Part of me has doubt. Part of me is embarrassed. But your wish will be granted. For you are now, my new bloom inspiration.

My View On Politics

To whom do I owe this pleasure of writing? My wife, sincerely.

I've always loved to talk about politics, and about business. Never mastered both, but simply loves to know. No, not theories in books. But the reality. The past, the current, and the future.

My family has a little political background. Thus explains my awareness and interest. We are always concerned about what's going on with the government and also the opposition. Some consider politics as rotten, and thus should be ignored. They say, politicians are bunch of hypocrites. All politicians are bad people who only think of themselves when they are in power, be it the government or the opposition. Hence voting for any of them is a waste of effort.

What do I think? I think to vote is an obligation. If I understand my belief correctly, one of the things that Islam emphasizes is leadership. The rise and fall of everything depends on leadership. Yes, including marriage. It's an art. The art of governing. So it doesn't mean that when the authoritative power is in your hand, you have the right to abuse others. In fact, that power is actually a heavy burden. Power is proportional to responsibility. Abu Bakar did not want to be the first Caliph, he didn't fight for it, because he knew that the responsibility is massive. Yet he never forgot his responsibility. God bless him. As time went by, people started to seize power alone without taking in the responsibilities attached to it. Hence the falls of Ummayad and Abbasid Dynasty. The fall of Islam. And today, with great power, comes great wealth. That's how it rolls.

My mother once told me that my late father used to say that politicians are hypocrites. But we still have our stand. For us, it's simple. No one is perfect. Even IF they are all hypocrites, you can still evaluate them as bad or better. By not voting, the bad ones would have higher chances to seize power. And later if they do bad things when they are in power, the sin is partly yours to shoulder. Not to mention when you vote for the bad wolves. Which one is bad, and which one is better? Or perhaps which one is good? You have to seek for it yourself. Evaluate both sides. Stop being narrow-minded. Expand your view. Think, and think, and think. May Allah guide you.

Together Now

The hectic preparation days have past. The ceremonies were held modestly. It's been a month. Honeymoon in Thailand was memorable. Koh Lanta-Phuket-Ao Nang. Coming back to reality was dreadful. But we looked forward to living together. And it's a whole new experience. 

I hoped I could boast about how happy I am being married, but as my fingers touched the keyboard, I couldn't. I supposed there are bigger things in marriage. Being married is a huge responsibility. She used to be her father's responsibility. Now the weight is on my shoulders. Her every sin is mine to carry. Sometimes it comes to me, the doubt. Of whether or not I can provide for her, taking good care of her well being. But in the end I always believe that these hands of mine are capable of trying their best to give her the world. And of course, Allah is our Protector, and He is also The Giver. I rest assured.

We heard people saying how so look-alike we are, how there's chemistry between us that love clouds are floating above our heads. Several cases of us being mistaken as siblings. It wasn't just a chemistry created by simply mixing two reactive chemicals. Meaning that, it wasn't love at first sight. The first time we met, she was just another girl to me and I was an insignificant boy to her. There are series of events that made us fall for each other, but let the story be untold. 

We have tonnes of differences. Understanding them and making up for it helps a lot in building a relationship, especially after living together. We share lots of similarities too, but they're not the reason we ended up together. Honestly, the reason we're together is actually unknown. The more I'm with her, the more comfortable I feel. I guess she feels the same. Maybe that's the main reason? Of course, I believe fate has something to do with it as well.

Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to this new big adventure. May Allah guide us with His blessing.

A couple of days before our wedding day...

A couple of days before our wedding day...

From me:

"A couple of things went wrong today. But at the end of the day, nothing changed. I'm still in love with you, crazy about you, craving more of you, lusting over you. I hope you would put your trust in me a bit more, let your heart be at ease and accept me wholeheartedly . Insya Allah, I will not take you for granted. And I'll treasure you all my life. Only you in my life. Only me and you. Love you."

 From her:

"Thank you...Thank you...Thank you for such sweet words. I will give you my everything while embracing you as my husband this Friday. I love you, crazy over you too! Can't wait to have you, I love you so much. Have a good rest tonight, sure will be busy tomorrow, send me a message if you need me, k. Nyte syg..."

At The Early Stage

The clock is ticking, my heart is jumping. Of excitement, not anxiety. All in all, I'm pretty much at ease. Well, it's not like I'm going to give an oral presentation on biodegradation of some industrial waste in front of intimidating professors. I'm marrying the woman that I love, being ecstatic is most fitting! Right?

It didn't come by easily. At the early stage of our relationship, we faced some hardships. Both of us had someone. She was labeled as a boyfriend-stealer. And me, girlfriend-stealer.

All is fair in love and war. A famous quote. But it didn't justify our decision to leave and start anew. When you go to war, you bound to destroy other people's possessions. Doesn't sounds fair to me. In terms of love between humans, there's no issue whether it's fair or not. Nobody owns anybody. I am nobody's possession. And her? She's not married yet. At most she is her parents' possession. A so-called friend of mine even suggested I should go and ask her ex's permission to steal his girlfriend, with a few punches on my face as payment. Seriously?! Well, there were no fist-fighting happening, only a lot of threatening in the first few months. That's another story some other day.

Some said what we did was wrong. Some said there will be karma. Something like "She'll do the same to you", or "She might leave you like how she left her ex". I didn't really care. Correction, I never cared. We had our situations. We thought things through thoroughly before coming up with our decisions. Not a slightest regret. Not ever, insya Allah. For those who listened to one-sided story and condemned us for it, may Allah bless you. I hold no grudge.

Anyway, many did not understand. I wasn't bothered by consequences or karma or any sort of uncertain future. Because nobody knows about what's in stored for me in the future. Hell they didn't even sure about their own future. It's just that people like to believe so. And people like to gossip. What I believe in is different than their beliefs. I'm sure she's the best lover for me. But I don't mind if in the end things went wrong in the future. I don't mind if she's fated to leave me one day. It'll be very very sad, but I have to accept. It's beyond my control. All I know is, I only have absolute control over myself. Therefore, my part is to love her and I'll keep doing so as best as I can. Loving me is her part, and I can't force her to do it though I'm sure she'll also give her all. Until the end of everything, whether by death or by any circumstances, I will treasure her everyday. 

Of course, most friends and family supported us being together. Countless times I've heard that we look great together, there's chemistry between us, our faces look very much alike and thus our fate is strong. Feels good to believe so. Nevertheless, you can't just count on looks alone. What makes things real is effort. 

The Day

Two years ago today I declared my love to you. There were many uncertainties on that day, not knowing how you really felt, how our past might come back and haunt us, how we would end up in the end. I took that necessary step, and so did you. I'm really glad we did. We might have our doubt sometimes. But guided by the heart and soul, we always move forward, always trying to get closer to each other. And soon, soon my lips will reach yours. February 17th, insya Allah. May He ease our path towards that day, and the day beyond that.

Keep On Dreaming

We all have crazy ideas, dreams and fantasies. Yet most of us usually keep them to ourselves to the grave. Majority think that their dreams are too impossible, absolutely unattainable. Stop for a moment and look around. We fail to realize that most things around us were made of dreams and unrealistic ideas. Even something as simple as a chair has its own revolutionary history. And today we have all kinds and colors of chairs, not to mention weirdest looking ones. True?

Do you happen to know this guy that goes by the name Richard Branson? Sir Richard Branson, to be exact. Oh, I love that honorific title. Wish I'd be able to meet the Queen one day and be knighted, though I think that would be impossible for non British nationals. Dreams. Haha. Back to Sir Richard Branson. He started with a simple magazine and now he owns a freaking spaceport! Mind you, it's not an airport. I repeat, a spaceport. For commercial purpose! That guy is crazy. And visionary too, I can't deny that. He seeks and sees opportunity one after another. Did I mention that he owns an island?! That's how I first came to know him. His island is my dream vacation.

We dream a lot when we were younger. It goes less and less as we grow older. Like a bell-shaped graph. Perhaps we think that those dreams are not achievable, thus our conservative adult mind makes it stop. A pity, isn't it? By doing so, we are subconsciously limiting our self potential, forever living inside a small box. This world is huge, there's a lot to explore and be amazed of. I want to taste things, go places, excite my feelings in so many different ways, like the feeling when I first saw the Kaabah. Truly beyond words. Like there's another soul caged in your heart since forever that you don't even realize that he's there, and he's finally being set free, making you feel truly alive. Like I could feel the droplets of air that I breathed in, and I could sense the particles of light that touched my skin. Like every single cell of your body has a life of its own. I want to taste that once more. I want to have such feeling over and over again.

I have more dreams today than what I had years ago. I want to keep having new dreams. And of course, I will try my best to achieve them.

A Messenger Bag With New Year's Resolutions

I got a fine-looking messenger bag for my birthday! It's from my soon-to-be wife. I actually need a bag to get organized in what I'm working on right now. Now I can be both organized and stylish! How thoughtful of her. The more reason for me to marry her, isn't it? *wink wink*

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I climbed a rambutan tree 2 weeks ago. It felt good. Kinda like a small adventure. Or more like a teeny weeny adventure. I've been craving for some adrenalin rush with a lot of sweating. But I don't have much time to leisure around these days. A lot need to be done. My new year's resolutions are to get married, buy a Passat, and take my parents to one memorable holiday. And of course, to finish my Masters in between those. I'm 27 this year. Going to be 28 next year. There's less time to waste.

I've been thinking a lot lately. What do I have right now? What have I achieved? What have I given to my parent? Nothing. Nothing. And nothing. I'm not married yet. I don't even own a car yet, let alone a property. I can only give a few hundreds a month to my mother. I don't even have much savings. Less than 10k. Even if everything else does not matter, at least I want to be a better son. I'm sorry, but those who feels that they are already doing enough for their parents and so they are not trying to do any better, are pathetic. If they're gone tomorrow, I'm sure you'll have lots of regrets.

Despite my failures, I'm still glad. I'm glad that I'm no longer sitting on my cozy couch. Sometimes you don't realize that you need to change. You are too absorbed with your current surrounding. You think you are comfortable and secure, but it's just a matter of time till you realize that termites are digging their ways under that cozy velvety couch. I got up and look for a better couch. Because I know I deserve more, I deserve better. Until you got your wake-up slap in the face, you may never will realize it.

Working hard to earn extra money on your own is not such a bad thing. In fact, it feels good. The excitement, the satisfaction are beyond words. Especially when you are working together with the people you trust and love. Thank you, friends and family.

Graph of Life

It's amazing how people can change so suddenly. It's also amazing how some people never change. It's even more amazing how people can change for the worse.

Islamic scholars said that there are 3 types of people in this life; The successful one, the failure and the wretch.

The successful person in life practices "today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today". His or her graph of life is always increasing. It may went down some times, but never fails to rise back up higher than before.

A failure's graph of life is always a plateau. Today, yesterday, and tomorrow will always be the same. Doing the same thing, never improving, never trying something new. Laughing on the same joke, crying over the same thing, complaining on the same thing every single day. His or her life will remain as it is.

A simple example is the routine of working. Getting up early in the morning, having a quick breakfast, rushing to work, yelling in the car coz you're stuck in the traffic jam, worrying about arriving late for work. If you get there on time, you'll immediately forget what you've been through before. Then you get nagged by your boss. You nag him back behind his back. You say to yourself that you hate this job and this place, you want to quit. But after 5pm, you were so happy that you forget everything that has happened. Once again, yelling in your car in the traffic jam. Arrived safely at home. Tired. Sleep. And the cycle repeats on the following days.

Nevertheless, the worst kind of person is someone whose graph of life is decreasing each day till the day he or she dies. Today is worse than yesterday, and tomorrow will be worse than today. Next year is going to be worse. Such a person is an ungrateful wretch. Why? Because Allah is the All Just, and Most Generous, even to the non-muslims. Everybody is given chances everyday, but most people takes it for granted.

Life is mostly about making choices. You can choose to waste your time sleeping or watching TV the entire day, or you can make good use of the 24 hours given to each and everyone of us. Everybody is given 24 hours a day. Why is our graph of life falling while others are making progress?

*The graphics aren't mine. Thank you actual owner, whoever you are.

Sparking Moments

Sometimes when I looked at someone in a glimpse, or when I looked at pictures of someone, I might say to myself that this guy or girl is pretty good looking. Even though when I looked again the second time I may have changed my mind, the fact that he or she was able to spark that moment in someone else's mind is definitely something to be proud of. Yes, considering that he or she is a nobody.

Everyone has a unique personality, a special trait, a distinctive characteristic that distinguishes yourself from the rest. In Malaysia there used to be an actor named Mr. Os, who has protruding upper teeth. Despite his teeth, he's pretty famous. The comedian, Zizan, sometimes makes jokes out of his own big nose. They made good use of their unique characteristic. They feel good with themselves.

I have a friend named P*j*n who has extraordinary large pair of ears (okay, I'm exaggerating), but he's proud of them. I have overlapping teeth but I think I look OK. Well, my fiancee says I'm good-looking and that's good enough for me. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. A cliche, but very true. But mostly it's about we are who we think we are.

But that doesn't gives us excuses not to improve ourselves. You may not be able to change your attached nose and ears, but there are many other parts of you that can be improved. Always find rooms for improvement, especially when it comes to attitude and behavior. The key is to try, and of course, try it the right way.

Reality Check 2.0

It's hard to find quality time to write. I think I'm at the turning point of my life. Alhamdulillah, recently, I was enlightened with two opportunities. Didn't take me long for me to decide to grab both. May Allah give me guidance.

In between making a living and living a life. There's so much to do in this life. So much to give, so much to live, so much to love. Majority today are trying hard to make a living that they forget to live. They don't have much opportunity to live a wonderful life. Yes, wonderful is subjective. It's up to you to define how a wonderful life is. Just please, don't lie to yourself.

Education is important. Do not argue. Attending school is important. Learning is a big part of a wonderful life. It's great to have ambition, become professionals. Everything is great about school and college. But do not lie to your kids by telling them that they'll get rich and live a wonderful life by becoming doctors, lawyers, scientists and such. School is a place to learn and make friends. That's all it is. Reality is far from what they learn in school, far from what they'll learn in college.

I don't regret having my Degree in Biotechnology. I don't regret my time in schools and university. A scientist is who I want to be. I love exploring in the world of science. But as a human being, do I not have other desires? Generally, everyone is the same, they'll wait for their paychecks every end of the month. Even noble jobs such as teachers, policemen, scientist, even the prime minister, they all wait for it. How many teachers out there can work without a salary? Can you still do your job sincerely without being paid? Almost everything needs money, even love. Love can't be bought. True. But you will need money to protect your loved ones. Don't you need to feed your kids? Question is, do you have the desire to feed them with the best milk there is? Or any milk will do just fine, as long as it's milk?

How do you feel when you don't have the capacity to help the people in need? What if that people in need is your parent? Or your brother or sister? Your son or your daughter? Or even yourself? Unfortunate event doesn't give you a call first before they get into your life. It may come when you least suspected. Yes, you are living a comfortable life today. But how sure are you that it will remain the same tomorrow?

I met an old friend last week, an ex-classmate. She's now doing a side business even though she's earning RM3000 plus a month working as a government servant. RM3000 a month is a lot of money, isn't it? I asked her why. She said she had a terrible accident, bed ridden for 2 months and she's still having a back problem due to that accident. I said luckily she's working with the government, everything was surely paid by the government. Her answer was quite a wake up call for me.

"Yes, but only for the early part when you're in the hospital. Even though it's free, the service was really slow. When you're in pain, do you think you can wait long? And it's even worse when you got out of the hospital. Your backbone is everything. Do you think you can wait? You have to go to private hospitals. All the necessary treatments afterwards are paid out of your own pocket!"

If such a thing happens to you, maybe you think that it's still OK. But what if it happens to your child or your parent? What's your plan? Wait for a raise 10 years from now? Will it be enough then? Or maybe you can just give a call to TV3 Bersamamu when it happens. A fundraising, perhaps? I'd say, the best thing to do now is improve your financial life. There are many opportunities out there for you to grab. Open up your mind. DO NOT stay in your comfort zone. You can stick with your Plan A, but please, have your Plan B and Plan C ready. In Islam, there are five things that you must treasure before the other five come. Don't wait for the wake up slap. Act now, while you still have those five.

Loved This Much.

Never have I been loved this much. Nor have I ever loved this much. It's not just the feeling of love. It's the feeling of being appreciated for every gesture. Being cared for in every move. The empathy, the sharing of emotions. When she's happy, I'm on cloud 9. And I'm down when she's feeling low. The tolerance, and the mutual respect shown between us. Giving and taking, yet giving with no intention of gaining anything in return. Such sincerity. Emotions that are too complex to describe, yet it makes you feel at ease. They are pieces that makes up a solid relationship, and they are the things that I've been searching for.

The urge to get married is getting stronger. I thank Allah for making us a path. I finally got engaged on the 3rd day of Eid 1432H. A small path, but it will lead to a bigger road, insya Allah. Please, save all the advice and simply pray for us. Yes, engagement is not a license for us to do as we please. We know that perfectly well. But at the junction where we're standing now, this is the best we can achieve so far. Our aim has always been marriage. There's nothing we want more than marriage. And we are waiting patiently for the light to turn green. May Allah give us guidance.

Reality Check 1.0

(A few years back I had a dream to have at least RM100k in my account before the age of 30. But now it's more than that. I'd like to share something that I realized about 8 years ago. Something that I have forgotten. 8 years ago I dreamed of having financial freedom. I hope I will never forget this ever again.)

It's not everything, but almost everything needs it. It can be good or evil, depending on the heart of the person holding it. Like a knife, a kind one would use it to peel an apple for a sick friend, but a lost soul would use it to rip a life. Don't get overdosed. Like a drug used to heal, it may also kill. Don't get addicted. Some are willing to shed blood over it. Even love can be broken or strengthened by it.

We are the ones who deem it valuable. Because human are instinctively possessive. Yet we are also civilized. Thus it exists. If we are savage beasts then we can just take other people's belongings (Yeah, like the Zionis). To put it in a simple way, I have something you want, but you may not have anything I want. It exists so that everyone has something that anyone wants. At least that's how it started. Now that greed has taken over, it's everything and anything. It is wealth. Specifically, money.

Whether we like it or not, we are in a system. Or to be exact, we are in a race. Like the rat running on the wheel, or the donkey chasing a carrot. It's a pointless pursuit. If you have watched The Matrix, yeah, it's kinda similar to that. We are being programmed. It's STUDY HARD-GET GOOD GRADES-GET A GOOD JOB-AND GET RICH WORKING system. Our kids and grandkids will keep repeating this cycle. And guess what, we and our descendants will never get rich. You are running and chasing with all your might in your entire life yet in the end at the age of 60 you'd still be asking yourself, "What went wrong?" Well, you didn't do anything wrong. You did everything the system needs you to do. You just didn't do something right, that is to get out of the system!

Ever since 8 years ago I'm trying not to fall into this system. But there's no way out. I'm in a comfort zone it's hard to leave. I'm afraid to take the risk. Afraid that if I get out and chase for something lucrative but uncertain, I might lose everything. So here I am waiting for my paycheck every end of month. It's pathetic! I admire a friend who holds a degree in Biotech Engineering but end up becoming a contractor and building his own company. He's facing hard times now but I'm sure he'll prevail and succeed. He'll be out of these lies and fake promises, unlike us.

The Diary of A Constant Boyfriend 1

Being a boyfriend, or being a husband, which one is more difficult?

I've always wanted to be married. The feeling sprouted in me ever since I started learning to love someone. That would be year 2005 when I was in my third year of university when this kinda feeling started to grow and evolve. Yeah, it evolves. Because the feeling is somehow different with every girl that I dated. It gets better, sweeter, stronger and wilder.

I've dated two girls before my current girlfriend, and I swear to God I was serious with both of them. If my family said, "Lutfi, get married", I would not hesitate for even one second to go and ask for her hand. Sadly in these days and age, especially in Malaysia, no matter how much love you have for a girl, marrying her is no easy feat. My family, her family, tradition, money, and everything else that matters to my family and hers. It's no longer about me and her, it's everybody's business including uncles and aunties.

It's just hard when you're bound by morals and religion, and by religion here I only mean being a good son and be nice to your parents. In fact Islam encourages marriage as soon as you want to, and as soon as you are ready to be married. I'm not sure what happen to that part of Islam in Malaysia today. In university, you have to wait till you graduate. Then after you finish your study you have to have a good job. It's all about the money. Why? Because the bride's parents are demanding mahar (bride price) by the certificates that their daughter has, whether she has a diploma or a degree or even higher certs! Ridiculous~ Why else? Because both families are going to celebrate it big. And even after you graduated and have a high-paying job, your parents have to give their approval on your choice of wife. My previous relationships crumbled while waiting for all those extra things to fall into place. Exactly why? Because I'm a good son.

No matter how wishful my heart was, marriage didn't happen for me the first time, neither the second time. Perhaps it was my fault? Was i too weak of a man to just go and grab the woman that I love regardless of heaven or hell? I never meant to hurt any fragile heart. Every word and every promise, I said it all with sincerity. Every move was always with love, and never with lies. My only intention was to love and be married to her, and live happily ever after! And even now with current (and hopefully my last!) girlfriend, even when I have graduated, have a good job, have enough money, I still have to wait for something else to fall into place! Should I just elope with my girlfriend to Thailand and get married there?!

I don't know how you can measure love, but I feel as if the love gets deeper and deeper with every girlfriend that I have. Even though the seriousness is the same, but the feeling is different. The way I loved my second ex was different than the way I had loved my first ex. And the way I love my current girlfriend is different than the way I loved my second and first exes. Like I said, the feeling evolves...

Strawberry & Chocolate

Bright, sweet in its own way, beautiful, idolized by many. When I look at that bowl of bright red strawberries above, it gives me the feeling of joy, happiness, and love, making me feel bright and cheerful.

I am far from a strawberry kinda person. I'm actually more like an apple person. Strawberry wows you everytime. We always get excited when we see strawberries, like, "Woooooowwwwww, strawberries~" But apples? Apples are common things in everyday life. Yeah, still good to eat, but common. And pretty cheap as well.

But hey, an apple a day keeps the doctors away, right?

On second thought, I think I am more of a chocolate person. A bit of a dark chocolate. Like how most people enjoy chocolates, dark chocolate, on the other hand, is more of an acquired taste. Let's say I was sitting in a restaurant eating out with a bunch of friends. And let's say you don't know me. You walked in that restaurant, had your dinner, and walked out of there and never even noticed my existence. Or, let's say one of us was the new guy/girl in some kind of a group, doesn't matter in class, at work, or a charity work outside. You wouldn't notice me, not after some time. Even if you noticed me the first, you'll only noticed me as this annoying guy who gave off bad first impression.

However, after several talking to each other and bumping into each other or hanging out together, you would started thinking that this guy isn't that bad after all. In fact, he's a pretty good guy. An acquired taste. Get what I mean?

My strawberry too didn't like her chocolate the first time she met him. It took her a while to notice that strawberry and chocolate taste heavenly together.