A Messenger Bag With New Year's Resolutions

I got a fine-looking messenger bag for my birthday! It's from my soon-to-be wife. I actually need a bag to get organized in what I'm working on right now. Now I can be both organized and stylish! How thoughtful of her. The more reason for me to marry her, isn't it? *wink wink*

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I climbed a rambutan tree 2 weeks ago. It felt good. Kinda like a small adventure. Or more like a teeny weeny adventure. I've been craving for some adrenalin rush with a lot of sweating. But I don't have much time to leisure around these days. A lot need to be done. My new year's resolutions are to get married, buy a Passat, and take my parents to one memorable holiday. And of course, to finish my Masters in between those. I'm 27 this year. Going to be 28 next year. There's less time to waste.

I've been thinking a lot lately. What do I have right now? What have I achieved? What have I given to my parent? Nothing. Nothing. And nothing. I'm not married yet. I don't even own a car yet, let alone a property. I can only give a few hundreds a month to my mother. I don't even have much savings. Less than 10k. Even if everything else does not matter, at least I want to be a better son. I'm sorry, but those who feels that they are already doing enough for their parents and so they are not trying to do any better, are pathetic. If they're gone tomorrow, I'm sure you'll have lots of regrets.

Despite my failures, I'm still glad. I'm glad that I'm no longer sitting on my cozy couch. Sometimes you don't realize that you need to change. You are too absorbed with your current surrounding. You think you are comfortable and secure, but it's just a matter of time till you realize that termites are digging their ways under that cozy velvety couch. I got up and look for a better couch. Because I know I deserve more, I deserve better. Until you got your wake-up slap in the face, you may never will realize it.

Working hard to earn extra money on your own is not such a bad thing. In fact, it feels good. The excitement, the satisfaction are beyond words. Especially when you are working together with the people you trust and love. Thank you, friends and family.

Graph of Life

It's amazing how people can change so suddenly. It's also amazing how some people never change. It's even more amazing how people can change for the worse.

Islamic scholars said that there are 3 types of people in this life; The successful one, the failure and the wretch.

The successful person in life practices "today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today". His or her graph of life is always increasing. It may went down some times, but never fails to rise back up higher than before.

A failure's graph of life is always a plateau. Today, yesterday, and tomorrow will always be the same. Doing the same thing, never improving, never trying something new. Laughing on the same joke, crying over the same thing, complaining on the same thing every single day. His or her life will remain as it is.

A simple example is the routine of working. Getting up early in the morning, having a quick breakfast, rushing to work, yelling in the car coz you're stuck in the traffic jam, worrying about arriving late for work. If you get there on time, you'll immediately forget what you've been through before. Then you get nagged by your boss. You nag him back behind his back. You say to yourself that you hate this job and this place, you want to quit. But after 5pm, you were so happy that you forget everything that has happened. Once again, yelling in your car in the traffic jam. Arrived safely at home. Tired. Sleep. And the cycle repeats on the following days.

Nevertheless, the worst kind of person is someone whose graph of life is decreasing each day till the day he or she dies. Today is worse than yesterday, and tomorrow will be worse than today. Next year is going to be worse. Such a person is an ungrateful wretch. Why? Because Allah is the All Just, and Most Generous, even to the non-muslims. Everybody is given chances everyday, but most people takes it for granted.

Life is mostly about making choices. You can choose to waste your time sleeping or watching TV the entire day, or you can make good use of the 24 hours given to each and everyone of us. Everybody is given 24 hours a day. Why is our graph of life falling while others are making progress?

*The graphics aren't mine. Thank you actual owner, whoever you are.

Sparking Moments

Sometimes when I looked at someone in a glimpse, or when I looked at pictures of someone, I might say to myself that this guy or girl is pretty good looking. Even though when I looked again the second time I may have changed my mind, the fact that he or she was able to spark that moment in someone else's mind is definitely something to be proud of. Yes, considering that he or she is a nobody.

Everyone has a unique personality, a special trait, a distinctive characteristic that distinguishes yourself from the rest. In Malaysia there used to be an actor named Mr. Os, who has protruding upper teeth. Despite his teeth, he's pretty famous. The comedian, Zizan, sometimes makes jokes out of his own big nose. They made good use of their unique characteristic. They feel good with themselves.

I have a friend named P*j*n who has extraordinary large pair of ears (okay, I'm exaggerating), but he's proud of them. I have overlapping teeth but I think I look OK. Well, my fiancee says I'm good-looking and that's good enough for me. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. A cliche, but very true. But mostly it's about we are who we think we are.

But that doesn't gives us excuses not to improve ourselves. You may not be able to change your attached nose and ears, but there are many other parts of you that can be improved. Always find rooms for improvement, especially when it comes to attitude and behavior. The key is to try, and of course, try it the right way.

Reality Check 2.0

It's hard to find quality time to write. I think I'm at the turning point of my life. Alhamdulillah, recently, I was enlightened with two opportunities. Didn't take me long for me to decide to grab both. May Allah give me guidance.

In between making a living and living a life. There's so much to do in this life. So much to give, so much to live, so much to love. Majority today are trying hard to make a living that they forget to live. They don't have much opportunity to live a wonderful life. Yes, wonderful is subjective. It's up to you to define how a wonderful life is. Just please, don't lie to yourself.

Education is important. Do not argue. Attending school is important. Learning is a big part of a wonderful life. It's great to have ambition, become professionals. Everything is great about school and college. But do not lie to your kids by telling them that they'll get rich and live a wonderful life by becoming doctors, lawyers, scientists and such. School is a place to learn and make friends. That's all it is. Reality is far from what they learn in school, far from what they'll learn in college.

I don't regret having my Degree in Biotechnology. I don't regret my time in schools and university. A scientist is who I want to be. I love exploring in the world of science. But as a human being, do I not have other desires? Generally, everyone is the same, they'll wait for their paychecks every end of the month. Even noble jobs such as teachers, policemen, scientist, even the prime minister, they all wait for it. How many teachers out there can work without a salary? Can you still do your job sincerely without being paid? Almost everything needs money, even love. Love can't be bought. True. But you will need money to protect your loved ones. Don't you need to feed your kids? Question is, do you have the desire to feed them with the best milk there is? Or any milk will do just fine, as long as it's milk?

How do you feel when you don't have the capacity to help the people in need? What if that people in need is your parent? Or your brother or sister? Your son or your daughter? Or even yourself? Unfortunate event doesn't give you a call first before they get into your life. It may come when you least suspected. Yes, you are living a comfortable life today. But how sure are you that it will remain the same tomorrow?

I met an old friend last week, an ex-classmate. She's now doing a side business even though she's earning RM3000 plus a month working as a government servant. RM3000 a month is a lot of money, isn't it? I asked her why. She said she had a terrible accident, bed ridden for 2 months and she's still having a back problem due to that accident. I said luckily she's working with the government, everything was surely paid by the government. Her answer was quite a wake up call for me.

"Yes, but only for the early part when you're in the hospital. Even though it's free, the service was really slow. When you're in pain, do you think you can wait long? And it's even worse when you got out of the hospital. Your backbone is everything. Do you think you can wait? You have to go to private hospitals. All the necessary treatments afterwards are paid out of your own pocket!"

If such a thing happens to you, maybe you think that it's still OK. But what if it happens to your child or your parent? What's your plan? Wait for a raise 10 years from now? Will it be enough then? Or maybe you can just give a call to TV3 Bersamamu when it happens. A fundraising, perhaps? I'd say, the best thing to do now is improve your financial life. There are many opportunities out there for you to grab. Open up your mind. DO NOT stay in your comfort zone. You can stick with your Plan A, but please, have your Plan B and Plan C ready. In Islam, there are five things that you must treasure before the other five come. Don't wait for the wake up slap. Act now, while you still have those five.

Loved This Much.

Never have I been loved this much. Nor have I ever loved this much. It's not just the feeling of love. It's the feeling of being appreciated for every gesture. Being cared for in every move. The empathy, the sharing of emotions. When she's happy, I'm on cloud 9. And I'm down when she's feeling low. The tolerance, and the mutual respect shown between us. Giving and taking, yet giving with no intention of gaining anything in return. Such sincerity. Emotions that are too complex to describe, yet it makes you feel at ease. They are pieces that makes up a solid relationship, and they are the things that I've been searching for.

The urge to get married is getting stronger. I thank Allah for making us a path. I finally got engaged on the 3rd day of Eid 1432H. A small path, but it will lead to a bigger road, insya Allah. Please, save all the advice and simply pray for us. Yes, engagement is not a license for us to do as we please. We know that perfectly well. But at the junction where we're standing now, this is the best we can achieve so far. Our aim has always been marriage. There's nothing we want more than marriage. And we are waiting patiently for the light to turn green. May Allah give us guidance.

Reality Check 1.0

(A few years back I had a dream to have at least RM100k in my account before the age of 30. But now it's more than that. I'd like to share something that I realized about 8 years ago. Something that I have forgotten. 8 years ago I dreamed of having financial freedom. I hope I will never forget this ever again.)

It's not everything, but almost everything needs it. It can be good or evil, depending on the heart of the person holding it. Like a knife, a kind one would use it to peel an apple for a sick friend, but a lost soul would use it to rip a life. Don't get overdosed. Like a drug used to heal, it may also kill. Don't get addicted. Some are willing to shed blood over it. Even love can be broken or strengthened by it.

We are the ones who deem it valuable. Because human are instinctively possessive. Yet we are also civilized. Thus it exists. If we are savage beasts then we can just take other people's belongings (Yeah, like the Zionis). To put it in a simple way, I have something you want, but you may not have anything I want. It exists so that everyone has something that anyone wants. At least that's how it started. Now that greed has taken over, it's everything and anything. It is wealth. Specifically, money.

Whether we like it or not, we are in a system. Or to be exact, we are in a race. Like the rat running on the wheel, or the donkey chasing a carrot. It's a pointless pursuit. If you have watched The Matrix, yeah, it's kinda similar to that. We are being programmed. It's STUDY HARD-GET GOOD GRADES-GET A GOOD JOB-AND GET RICH WORKING system. Our kids and grandkids will keep repeating this cycle. And guess what, we and our descendants will never get rich. You are running and chasing with all your might in your entire life yet in the end at the age of 60 you'd still be asking yourself, "What went wrong?" Well, you didn't do anything wrong. You did everything the system needs you to do. You just didn't do something right, that is to get out of the system!

Ever since 8 years ago I'm trying not to fall into this system. But there's no way out. I'm in a comfort zone it's hard to leave. I'm afraid to take the risk. Afraid that if I get out and chase for something lucrative but uncertain, I might lose everything. So here I am waiting for my paycheck every end of month. It's pathetic! I admire a friend who holds a degree in Biotech Engineering but end up becoming a contractor and building his own company. He's facing hard times now but I'm sure he'll prevail and succeed. He'll be out of these lies and fake promises, unlike us.

The Diary of A Constant Boyfriend 1

Being a boyfriend, or being a husband, which one is more difficult?

I've always wanted to be married. The feeling sprouted in me ever since I started learning to love someone. That would be year 2005 when I was in my third year of university when this kinda feeling started to grow and evolve. Yeah, it evolves. Because the feeling is somehow different with every girl that I dated. It gets better, sweeter, stronger and wilder.

I've dated two girls before my current girlfriend, and I swear to God I was serious with both of them. If my family said, "Lutfi, get married", I would not hesitate for even one second to go and ask for her hand. Sadly in these days and age, especially in Malaysia, no matter how much love you have for a girl, marrying her is no easy feat. My family, her family, tradition, money, and everything else that matters to my family and hers. It's no longer about me and her, it's everybody's business including uncles and aunties.

It's just hard when you're bound by morals and religion, and by religion here I only mean being a good son and be nice to your parents. In fact Islam encourages marriage as soon as you want to, and as soon as you are ready to be married. I'm not sure what happen to that part of Islam in Malaysia today. In university, you have to wait till you graduate. Then after you finish your study you have to have a good job. It's all about the money. Why? Because the bride's parents are demanding mahar (bride price) by the certificates that their daughter has, whether she has a diploma or a degree or even higher certs! Ridiculous~ Why else? Because both families are going to celebrate it big. And even after you graduated and have a high-paying job, your parents have to give their approval on your choice of wife. My previous relationships crumbled while waiting for all those extra things to fall into place. Exactly why? Because I'm a good son.

No matter how wishful my heart was, marriage didn't happen for me the first time, neither the second time. Perhaps it was my fault? Was i too weak of a man to just go and grab the woman that I love regardless of heaven or hell? I never meant to hurt any fragile heart. Every word and every promise, I said it all with sincerity. Every move was always with love, and never with lies. My only intention was to love and be married to her, and live happily ever after! And even now with current (and hopefully my last!) girlfriend, even when I have graduated, have a good job, have enough money, I still have to wait for something else to fall into place! Should I just elope with my girlfriend to Thailand and get married there?!

I don't know how you can measure love, but I feel as if the love gets deeper and deeper with every girlfriend that I have. Even though the seriousness is the same, but the feeling is different. The way I loved my second ex was different than the way I had loved my first ex. And the way I love my current girlfriend is different than the way I loved my second and first exes. Like I said, the feeling evolves...

Strawberry & Chocolate

Bright, sweet in its own way, beautiful, idolized by many. When I look at that bowl of bright red strawberries above, it gives me the feeling of joy, happiness, and love, making me feel bright and cheerful.

I am far from a strawberry kinda person. I'm actually more like an apple person. Strawberry wows you everytime. We always get excited when we see strawberries, like, "Woooooowwwwww, strawberries~" But apples? Apples are common things in everyday life. Yeah, still good to eat, but common. And pretty cheap as well.

But hey, an apple a day keeps the doctors away, right?

On second thought, I think I am more of a chocolate person. A bit of a dark chocolate. Like how most people enjoy chocolates, dark chocolate, on the other hand, is more of an acquired taste. Let's say I was sitting in a restaurant eating out with a bunch of friends. And let's say you don't know me. You walked in that restaurant, had your dinner, and walked out of there and never even noticed my existence. Or, let's say one of us was the new guy/girl in some kind of a group, doesn't matter in class, at work, or a charity work outside. You wouldn't notice me, not after some time. Even if you noticed me the first, you'll only noticed me as this annoying guy who gave off bad first impression.

However, after several talking to each other and bumping into each other or hanging out together, you would started thinking that this guy isn't that bad after all. In fact, he's a pretty good guy. An acquired taste. Get what I mean?

My strawberry too didn't like her chocolate the first time she met him. It took her a while to notice that strawberry and chocolate taste heavenly together.

Dream of My Country

I've always dreamed of Malaysia to change. For the better, of course. Some would say, "Hey, we are a rich country, and we have lots of developments et cetera et cetera et cetera, we should be grateful that Malaysia is a peaceful country. Don't be an ungrateful and forgetful Malaysian."

For you, maybe. Perhaps you have good food, nice shelter, live in the city, never been robbed.

To me, how many of us are actually rich? There are still many poor citizens who can hardly get a decent meal each day. I'm not sure how true this is, but it is said that in the time of Caliph Umar Abdul Aziz, not one person was poor enough to be entitled for the zakat money. And his sovereignty wasn't even remotely as small as Malaysia. Living in the world today makes me wonder how on earth was that even possible?! I don't know how he made that happened, but looking at the rate Malaysia is going, such a thing won't happen anytime soon. And the way the media keep telling us again and again that we are doing great, I pity my poor countrymen who barely make ends meet each day.

I'm from Terengganu, east coast of the peninsular. For those who don't know, the state of Terengganu was entitled for 5% oil royalty per year, and that amounts to RM 600 million in the old days and about RM 1 billion today, if I didn't get my fact wrong. Yet, among 13 states we have in Malaysia, Terengganu is still one of the poorest states. How does that make any sense? I definitely don't see where all the money flowed to. Development? None worth mentioning. On top of that, I cannot comprehend why that there are still poor and needy people in this state. It just makes me feels sad.

Malaysia is a peaceful country? We are not at war, granted, but how safe is it to be walking alone at night? My mother once decided to come and live in Kuala Lumpur. She already bought a land to build a house. After too many news of murders and robberies, she totally cancelled it. And why do you think they have security guards for apartments and neighborhood watch in your neighborhood? It's so that you can sleep better at night.

I'm not being ungrateful, and I don't forget people's kindness. If you should earn 100 and I only gave you 50, how grateful would you be to me? Unless you are not aware that you should be getting 100. And why are we comparing our country with the countries that are at war, and countries that have no natural resources? It's like hey, at least you didn't get the last place. You got 2nd last, so please be grateful. Given the resources and geographical stability that we have, Malaysia is supposed to be at the peak of the world. Yet we are only at the middle. What is wrong?

Inspired

You've shown me love that will never end in vain

with your love for me running in my vein

this snow will be gone as the spring sun shines

the moon will glow and the stars will shine

sipping coffee by my windowpane

I'll be sitting by my windowpane

you'll come back to me by plane or by train

blow me kisses from Italy or Spain

like rainbow shines after a pouring rain.

Pets

What do you have at home? Or some might ask, who do you have at home?

Pets, I mean. The former refers pets as animals, and the latter, as one of us - creatures that are lovely and fluffy. Fluffy may not be the right word, but heck, it sounds good so don't complain. Regardless, what kind of a pet-person your are isn't any of my concern here. Sorry for wasting your time reading up to this point. Please continue to the next paragraph, it should be more worth reading. At least I hope so.

Ehem. Cats, dogs, hamsters, fishes, birds, iguanas, equines, penguins, crocodiles, polar bears, apples, apple pies...yummy~ Those are some of the examples of pets and you might prefer one of them as your dear friend at home which also known as pet...well, aside from apple...and apple pies too...or perhaps polar bears and crocodiles wouldn't be good pets as well. Penguins? Okay, stop. I'm currently famish, and sleep-deprived too, on top of that. I'm sorry. But I'm gonna keep going!

Back to the topic, ehem! Ehem! Ehem! I'm really coughing here and I just feel like writing me coughing here. I hope it's not of any inconvenience to you. Alright, where were we? Yes, pets. Hmm...pets. Right! Ehem, my ideal pets would be the ones in pictures below

Photo taken from ants.breezily.co.uk (errr...without permission. Google's to blame :P)

Photo taken from Wikipedia

Yup, ants and spiders! Not exactly a tarantula, any spider is intriguing to me. The picture of a tarantula on a palm is just more captivating, that's all. Or so I thought. Anyway, I love these guys and I definitely prefer them over cats or dogs etc. I especially love looking at them eating. I've beein doing that ever since I was a kid. Creepy? Nah, I turned out just fine. A happy, normal, lovely, fluffy, dopey adult just like everyone else. This blog layout got bright red strawberries, you see. Solid proof of my sane mind and sweet heart. Wait, am I talking like a girl? Don't be concerned, I'm an absolutely straight guy who has a special beautiful girlfriend and no special boyfriend whatsoever, ever! Ehem, let's get serious.

We all have ants and spiders crawling around us. By around I mean like 100 meter radius, not 1 meter. Don't be stupid, please. Okay, you're not stupid. I'm the silly one overthinking such a thing. So we all have ants and spiders crawling around us, right? Sometimes I feed them, usually with other insects. Have I ever written here how I hate mosquitoes? God, I hate them! But they love me so much! Such unrequited love~ too one-sided and hell I'm telling you it's not gonna work! So sometimes I was forced to catch them alive and throw them to the spiderweb. Haha. Then the spider will come and bite them and wrap them with the silk, and suck them dry~ Such joyous moment! The ants don't really like mosquitoes, though. I wonder why...too skinny? Not much nutrient? Or simply coz it tastes awful?

Like how some people feeling tranquility gazing upon the fishes in the aquarium tank, I think I do feel the same by watching ants marching, especially when they are carrying food! I hope my kids will share this same feeling (^_^) The ants are working very hard. Heave-ho! Heave-ho! It's always been a dream to observe how they live inside their nest underground. Wonder If I would be able to give them names. That would be awesome! I want an antfarm! I want an antfarm!

But to have an antfarm in the house, I doubt my beautiful future wife would agree to that. She loves cats. Well, ants do feed on cats, maybe that's why... Is that the reason, dear?

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P/s: With regard to my previous entry on Friendship, I just met this one buddy of mine after more than a year. Apart from having a wonderful wife now, he's the same as ever. Same as ever (^_^)

Friendship: Part 2

Being a kid is carefree. You don’t have many things stuck in your mind at the same time. Commitment? Trust? Those words wouldn't be in your dictionary. Only ‘like’ and ‘don’t like’ are there. Every day is a new day. Yesterday we were friends, today we fight, but tomorrow we’ll be friends again.

As we grow older, our trust issue gets bigger and bigger, full of doubt and assumptions. And the commitments piling up one after another, keeping our mind occupied. Emotions always have the best of us, playing the same trick on us again and again, yet we never saw it coming, we never learned. Because being nice is hard. Because being sincere is hard. Because not being selfish is even more difficult.

We walk, we crawl, we climb, we run, and we fly. You tag along with others, or others follow you. We are always with somebody; Parents when we were babies. Friends at schools. A lover as we grow older. Wife or husband. Kids. Grandkids.

We started walking with our parents. They hold our hands. As we were able to walk faster, we let go of their hands so that we could reach out to our new found friends. Yet those hands of friendship kept changing. Some left us, and some were left by us. Very few of them will remain all the way to our death bed. Then comes love, one thing that makes or breaks other relationships, depending on how we embrace it. The love blooms into the most beautiful flower, bearing fruits of children. The cycle goes on and on.

Being a kid was carefree.

In becoming adults, the weights are all on us. More often than not, we are not able to carry them all at once. Amidst the confusion, some friends will leave us, or some will be left behind, intentionally or not. I think it is a normal development. There's no use of holding any resentment. Not being there when you cry is not an act of betrayal. Not being able to celebrate your joy is not treacherous. Whether we like it or not, along this reality, responsibilities will change. Commitments will be different. Priorities will take different routes.

Friends are friends. Once a friend, always will be. They are like A to Z. Some letters are used very often, some are not. X and Z may not play much role, but they are still parts of the A to Z that we learned and remember. When X or Z showed up once in a while, they never fail to fascinate us. Am I talking nonsense? Nevermind :P

To me, best of friends are the ones with me on the day I die, even if they were not there with me on the days I cry. Because I understand. Because you are my friend.

Friendship: Part 1

Several times I heard friends sighed on their friendships with their friends. Some due to backstabbing. Some because their friends weren’t there when they needed them. Some just crumbled inevitably by time.

There was one laughable memory when I was in standard 2. I had this really best friend. He’s a Chinese but he was so Malay by his speech. Freakishly fluent. On top of that, he totally looked malay himself. But really, he’s Chinese. So this best friend of mine had an ‘enemy’. And this ‘enemy' was also in the same class as us. As a best friend, you’re not supposed to be a friend to the ‘enemy’ of your best friend! Or so, people say. Well I sort of crossed that line. But as far as I remember, I didn’t try to befriend the ‘enemy’. I just didn’t reject his friendship when he came to me.

It was against my principle. Not that I have any principle at that time, since I was just a little Lutfi. Well you can say it’s a subconscious thing. Being true to the truth, not affected by the lies or the words of the crowds, especially ones with unfounded hatred. In simple words, I just don’t pick sides. Not without a concrete reason. Not back then, and not today. If you ask me to hate someone simply because you hate him, sorry I could not go with that flow.

So I was casted out by my best friend for being a little friendly with the so-called enemy. He totally ignored me. Seemed like I kind of backstabbed him? Though that was entirely not the case from where I stood. I never regretted my action. I did not do wrong.

That situation stayed stagnant for a few weeks, until one day we had this dental check-up at school. During class, I was called back to see the dentist again. So they thought they need to pull out one of my teeth. Darn it. I came back to class with a pale face, and with bloody cottons stuffed in my numb mouth.

The teacher was teaching. As I sat down on my chair, I heard a familiar voice calling my name in whisper. I turned around, and finally for the first time after weeks of not-talking, "Are you ok? Does it hurt?" my best friend asked.

I was down with fever the next day (Wonder where the dentist got her degree, her work got no elegance in it at all. I was such a cute kid, not some troll monster for crying out loud! Huh!). The good news is, after that day, me and my best friend became best buddies once again. But not for long. I jumped into another class the next year. I hardly ever saw him after that. Guess who became his best friend after that? The 'enemy'.

Kids. Haha. Funny, huh?

Peek-a-Boo

I've been wanting to write regularly, like at least once a week. I thought changing the layout of this blog would bring me closer to doing that. A fresh start, people say. But apparently, it all comes down to the heart's desire and security.

Having people reading this journal seems to give me some sort of insecurity. Then you might say i am stupid to write things here where everybody can access, and I might better off buy an actual diary which I can keep under my pillow. To the latter, my respond would be I have a bad handwriting. Honestly. And of course, there would be no 'backspace' button.

It's just a few hearts that I wish not to accidentally hurt. Or also perhaps, things that I hope not be known by some. Yet I do not wish to filter my visitors. It's been more than half a year, I guess the time itself filtered a lot of unwanted things for me.

I like writing things down here. It just feels different. When I write, I always imagine my kids reading them. Every line is a perfect line, so i think. I pour my heart in every sentence for them. That's why I take my time when I write something.

And when the heart is insecure, the desire cannot be fulfilled.

It's in good hands now. So I would like to try to write again.

A New Air

It tastes like strawberry, whatever it is.

It was all dark and gloomy before. I guess now it's the best time to change, to move on to the greener field on the other side and see my world from a brighter view. Well, in this case it's not a field and it's not green. They are red strawberries :P Doesn't matter. My point is, for the very first time, this blog has a bright and vibrant template! Looking at it makes me feels bubbly~ (^_^)

Regardless of everything in the past and what awaits me in the future. Regardless of what's troubling me today. I will shine brightly.

Change has never been my enemy. In fact, it's always welcomed. Trying, changing, and trying to change. Those are some of the fun things in life (^_^)

I Owe You But You Don't Own Me

Women are objects. True?
Not? Then, men are objects. True?

How about I put it this way - You can own a non-blood-related person without having to marry them. Yeah, since we are objects, we can be tossed around, we can be bought and we can be traded. We can be owned with just money and effort. Hey, how about I pay you $10000 for you to be my property? Or even better, hey you poor lil orphan girl uncle will love you and take good care of you, but when you turn 18 10 years from now you must marry this kind and loving uncle of yours who is then almost reaches 50.

Is that how things are? I owe you so you own me? Sick.

What rights do we have to claim a person as our personal property?

And what rights do we have to stop her from leaving our side? No matter how much love we have poured onto her, no matter how much effort we put in for her, no matter how much money and time we have spent for her, what rights do we have??

Sometimes people talk about rights and justice on behalf of others, even when they only know half the story. Hey u killed a kind-hearted and pious person, that's bad, sinful and totally immoral!~ (I don't care how it happened and I don't care what your reason was, you are deemed guilty!) You see, we like to judge and prejudge, and make assumptions too, on top of that. And of course, if the dead guy looks like a nice person on the surface, he is without a doubt the victim.

Alright, those above are extreme analogies. But what about in delicate issues such as love..?

How much does a heart worth? How much do you have to pay to own a person's heart? I don't think you can. It can't be bought, nor can it be traded. We can try putting in our very best effort, but a heart resonates with another heart when it feels like it. God knows how. You can't force a heart to move with money and effort. You can't force love.

Hey, I did all those things for you, you are supposed to give me your heart in return.

Yeah I probably should...but my heart doesn't resonates for yours...Do I still have to give you my heart..? Do I just ignore what it wants and give it to you anyway? For what you have done for me on your own accord and personal expectation, do I sell my own happiness?

Happiness

1st of January officially marked the 3rd effort in reaching for something I would like to call happiness. That one thing that sparkles like a diamond. And like a diamond it is, price had to be paid. No African blood was spilled, but hearts were hurt, and the cuts were deep. I hope they will all heal...

I wish I have the remedy. There is no magical potion to heal a broken heart. Is there?

I never meant to hurt you, or you, or you, and you. And especially you. My heart never felt so wretched, never so guilty.

I failed miserably in my 1st effort. Looking back now, I was just a kid trying to get a hold of that priceless diamond. Maybe it was not my time to have it yet. Came the 2nd gave me hope, with a warm and cozy feeling too. Flowers bloomed at the tip of my touch. The sky was always blue everytime i looked up above.

Under the bright blue sky, it was already sparkling in my hand, that sweet diamond. Love and be loved. This is it, I thought. And that's when reality snatched it away from me and stabbed me in the heart. I walked this earth with a knife in my chest. With love and lust I eased my pain. With hope and faith I sealed my wound. She will save me. Her hands will pull the knife off my chest and stop the love from bleeding out. Like an innocent child, I waited for her to save me. Sincerely. Devotedly.


.........



I saw a pair of hands.

Yet, they were not hers.

God, is this how it supposed to be...?

Love of My Life

Still can't write anything serious. *sigh~*

I have a few entries I wrote a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, they are in my old desktop PC which hasn't been operating for more than a year now. I love my PC. Sacrificed a lot to get it. Took only a meal a day for one whole semester, and drank only plain water. The flat screen monitor alone worth RM400+ back then. It's not LCD screen, though. Got free (but old) casing from a friend, saved about 100 ringgit. Doesn't look so bad, apart from one side of the panel wasn't there so it's pretty much bare on one side. Well, that makes it even cooler, literally and technically. Hoho. Gamers started using AMD processor back then. So I followed suit. I was quite a gamer. All in all, I spent about RM2000+ on her. Totally worth every cent! She's the love of my life~ Sometimes I spent all night being together with her. Dunno what I'd do without her~ She's my everything back then.

Oh, but now I have a lappy. So much for true love, huh?

Catching Up With Myself

Ahh, it's good to be writing again~ it's like meeting up with your long lost buddies. It'll take you a while to catch up, but it just feels great to be talking to them again. I don't read much. Novels, especially, nah ah ah. Some says you can't write if you don't read. I don't entirely deny that. Still, it doesn't make me wanna read novels. Haha. You can write if you don't read, but you can write way better if you read.

I want to write something serious. But I'm too sleepy and tired. I don't know why I'm tired. I'm just tired. I am physically tired. I'm not tired of anybody, so please don't try to impose any speculation ayte~ huhu

Wish I have 48 hours a day!! So that I could still work for 8 long hours yet I would still have 40 hours left to rest, play and do everything else. Stop procrastinating, I say that to myself all the time. Yet I always end up procrastinating in trying to stop procrastinating.

Please, I need a PA to sort everything out~ Well, big shots always have PAs and secretaries, don't they? I might just be one too, someday.

No Title

Sadness brings out the darkest side of you. The dark sides which a shattered heart could not contain. This heart of mine is always blanketed with a soft purple velvet. I am better now. Better than yesterday, at least. I am surrounded by mature and wise friends. Thanks guys!

Hearts twisted. Tears wasted. Souls...died. I am sorry that a few persons have to hurt for the path I chose. Yet our bodies keep walking this earth, searching for salvation and guidance, trying to mend our hearts with every bit of consolation. From friends, families, and even strangers, whomever lends their ears and shoulders.

My heart too was torn, but it never said I'm wrong. Lovers cried, but things never felt this right. I had my doubt, I drowned deep in thoughts. Words spoken and my eyes are open. What's done is done and I never wish for it to be undone. This is not a dream, nobody is lying. They are not lies. The fact is, this is life.

I may not be in my best state of mind to tell this, but don't lose to those bad whisperers...