A layman's view on Islam

Don't be mistaken, i am not a member of any Christian church. I am a Muslim. My religion is Islam. And yes, I'm loving it. What I mean by 'layman' is that I am a Muslim with a below-average knowledge regarding Islam.

Regardless of my lack of knowledge, I am looking at something beautiful.

Perhaps, the term 'layman' is not suitable to represent myself, because 'layman' technically means average, and my knowledge on Islam is actually considered as below average. But i'm using it anyway. I'll be writing a few entries about my simple views on Islam, perhaps without any proof (dalil/nas/quranic verses/hadith) to back my words up, because I don't memorize many verses of al-Quran, I rarely read tafsir, I don't memorize many hadith, i don't study much on usul fiqh. That's why this is a layman's view. Nevertheless, please, do correct me if I am wrong, for I am but a learner.

I am learning every minute, every hour and every day. It feels like waiting, looking at a blooming bakawali flower. It's a type of flower that I have at my house. With green bud at early stage, budding out of a big, ugly green leaf, it slowly grows...yellowish...white...growing bit by bit within several days, and finally fully blooms at midnight. Fully blooms into a big white flower, with bright, pure-looking petals. Simply beautiful. That, is how I would describe my journey in discovering Islam.

Lutfi Yang bermata kecik dan merah

In the last entry, I mentioned about having messages for everyone. On second thought, I don't feel like writing about it. Ini bukan blog jiwang. You guys live and experience your life on your own, and decide later what's best for you and your very own self. As for me, I've already made my own decision for this borrowed-life that i'm living :)

Ok, back to the normal life~ I got conjunctivitis last friday. Am I spelling it right? Huhu, never bothered to search for it :p I'm not sure whether it is caused by bacteria or virus. Simply said, it's a disease that attack your eyes and makes it red, of course, with a little pain. Hoho yeah, sore and bloody red eyes. Makes you weep unstoppably. Hey,the women love to cry, why doesn't it attack only them? (no hard feeling, girls :p)

Lalalalalaa~ I went to see a doc at Terengganu. She told me to stay at home for a week, afraid that other students would be infected. But I came back to UIA the day after (lalalalalaa~). She gave me chloramphenicol eye-drop and erythromycines pills, an eye-mo and some 'gatal' pills (itch-relieving pills). Darn. I hate medicine. Even more, I hate the instructions of how and when I should be taking them. How many times per day. How many tablets each time. Before makan or after makan. Oh, I haven't makan yet so I can't swallow those pills. Then after makan, i forgot everything~

The eye-drop, i had to drip it in my eyes 4 times per day, 2-3 drops each. Being an organized person (haha), I just had to calculate this carefully :p After a deep thinking...Oh, I got it...I must divide 24 hours by 4 times! After a complicated calculation, yes I finally got the answer, it's 6-hour interval! Yeyy, I'm a genius! Hence I decided, every 12 O'clock and every 6 o'clock every day and night! But after 2 days, oh the heck with the intervals. Ikut suka hati je letak lalalalalalaaa~

A piece of advice, if your eyes got infected, don't rub em, just relax. Don't strain your eyes. And if you think by washing your eyes you could wash away the virus/bacteria, just imagine those virus/bacteria are laughing at you with their hands showing the 'L' sign. If you do all those things, all you'll get is more pain, and perhaps internal bleeding in your eyes. So for God's sake, just go see the doctors ASAP!

she : epilogue

Not too long ago, a friend said to me,"The first love is always the sweetest, true?"

Then he added,"But it usually doesn't work, does it?" Followed by a question,"Why?"

I thought for a second, then I answered,"First love usually blooms when we're still young. Perhaps we're not mature enough to recognize it, to handle it, to understand it."

*****************************************

I've metaphorically written about the journey of my first love. 5 episodes of it. Yes, of course, it's embarrassing. I have several reasons. And I don't mind being looked down, criticized, hated, laughed or whatever. After all, i am a mere human.

The first reason. Hoho. i won't restate the very main reason of me writing this blog. Nyeh nyeh :p If you want to know, you can read the very first entry of this blog. But I know you won't bother, so just forget about the first reason, k! ;)

Secondly, those episodes and this blog itself are for myself. I want myself to understand better of what i've been through. May it be a good reminder for myself. This blog, it is my life journal, it is my insight, it is part of my memories, it exists because i'm exist (with God's will of course).

Thirdly, I want her to understand how I really feel, and how I really felt about her. Since she never really listened to what i've been saying to her for one whole year and a month. I thought, perhaps, I could convey my feelings through writings, as a third person. But I guess she just hates me even more. Silly me. Haha. Silly me..

The fourth reason, is for my friends. It's always good to let them know, to let them know that i'm fine.

There is another reason, the fifth reason. I have messages for all of you - all the readers. But that would be in the next entry :p I'm so sleepy right now~~

she : episode 5

We walked and walked. A short walk, but it felt so long, and so lonely.

It was difficult. Her hands kept slipping from mine. Her repetitive questions of inconfidence kept on flowing out from her mouth. I told her this,"Grab my hand tight." But she never did. Oh God, what should I do?

Until one time,the 3rd of March 2007. We got really lost. At a turn even I do not know of. It wasn't even our path. There, she said to me,"Let go of my hand. Go for other girl."

And the trust i rebuilt out of the broken pieces, this time, shattered irreparably.

Tired. Drained. Exhausted. Simply, numb. I just couldn't feel her anymore. So I answered like I always did,"Yes, dear."

she : episode 4

Yes, she came back. She felt bad. I stayed calm. Took a deep breath. I remembered the 5th of February.

If you reach out
I will hold your hand
If you hold my hand
I will embrace you
If you embrace me
I will give you my all

I still love her. So i forgave. I build up my trust again, and gave it to her, once again. I held her hand and she walked beside me, trying to be like how we used to be. But she always tried to slow down her pace. Walking together, but somehow I just felt alone. And of course, those questions never ceased to stop. "Do you really wanna walk with me?" And as always, my answers never pleased her inquiries.

She : Episode 3

One year. More than a year actually. 5th of February 2006 till 3rd of March 2007. Yep, we've been walking together that long. It was great. But the journey was tough in the end. Cuts and cries. Hurtful. But she kept asking,"Do you really wanna walk with me?" and so on so forth. and I kept answering,"Yes, dear." and so on so forth.

I was always holding her hand. But somehow, she slipped away. Again and again. I began to wonder,"Am I the only one reaching out my hand? Why am I not feeling hers holding mine anymore?"

Then, i couldn't find her beside me. I looked around, eagerly, anxiously, with thousand kinds of feelings racing in. And there she was, far away, in the embrace of another person. My hand had never felt so empty, but yet so heavy.

Trust? Broken.

After 3 days, she came back to me. Crying.

She : Episode 2

5th of February 2006. Yes, she found the key, unlocked the door, guided me out. I was glad. I met a lot of people who i used to only see from afar, unreachable through the small window of my beautiful house. And so I trusted her, wholeheartedly.

We seemed enjoyed walking together, but she kept asking me,"Do u really want to walk with me? Why don't you walk with her? or her? or her? or her? or her? or her? They're much better than i am. Are you sure u wanna walk with me? Really? Go for other girl. They're much much better. You don't want to walk with me. Are you sure? You can go to other girl. I'm not good enough for you. Really. Go for other girl. Go for another girl. I know you don't want to walk with me. Go."......"Do your really wanna walk with me? Are you sure?"

And my answer was always,"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes, dear. I want to walk with you. I am certain. Only you. Just you. I do not want other girl. You, you, you, you, you, you. No other but you. Just you."......"I really want to walk with you."

And we kept walking, hand in hand. She talked a lot, and i listened joyfully. I talked sometimes, but she never really listened.

She stumbled, and i held her hand, helped her up. When i was down on my knees, she held my hand and got me back on my feet.But the questions never ceased to popped out from her mouth. And I too never stopped giving the same answers...

She : Episode 1

I had a few rough days since the 3rd of March, emotionally. Once in a while. my 'old acquaintance' would sent me looong messages, asking whys and explaining whats. Although the request to let go was her own. Was it my fault to agree? *sigh*

3rd of March 2007. I thought we're done. But even till now, it was never over....how should i put it..hmm, it's like continual rain. I really like rain, but not this kinda rain for sure. It comes, goes, comes again, goes away again. Toying with you, makes you miserable, in a sad way.

Reading

I went home last weekend. It's always good to be home. At home, I'm just a son and a brother. Simply those 2 tasks. The most natural tasks in the world, even without a father :)

I discovered something about myself last weekend, at home. I always said to myself that I can't read books and I don't like to read them. Then and there, I came across 'I'm A Muslim', a book written by an NST journalist named Dina Zaman. I was at page 100+, more than half of the book, when i noticed that 3 hours had passed.

"Hmm, I actually enjoy reading...Ohoo, now I get it, it's not that I don't like reading, I've read some great books - Rich Dad Poor Dad, Rich Dad Poor Dad for Teenagers, Copycat in Me, Millionaires in Me, I even bought 'Guide to Investing' worth RM68. Not to mention all those biotechnology textbooks, and a few motivational books (eh ade ke?..tak ingat pun, tapi ada kut) - The thing is, I only don't like to read novels!"

I know it sounds stupid, living for almost 23 years and you don't know that much about yourself. Yeah, laughable indeed.

It's really hard for me to finish a novel, especially the ones with piles of jargons and loads of imagining to do. Oh that really jumbles up all my brain cells. Arghh...headache, at one point of imagining, I'd be lost. Don't know who's who and what's what anymore. Eh, who's the hero here? Eh, who just got killed? Eh, ni watak mana plak ni? Eh, why's there a moon at broad daylight? Oh I always have hard times imagining the things the author are trying to say through his writings. And at the same time facing a short sentence with 10 words i've never even heard before in my life, so help me God. (yeah2, don't you dare say things like you need to put up an effort first before asking help from God). And I hate thinking that what i imagine is hell different than what the author is trying to say. Oh, I love manga.. The drawings help a lot! Arghhhh...kenapa kat comp lab dah takleh download!!!!

Oh, about the book, Will write about it some other time ;) Overall, it's an honest piece. I like it. Tapi tak habis baca lagi, coz my sis suddenly took it with her trip to Perlis. Just a few subchapters left. Hopefully I can get my hands on it this weekend!

The One I Want : Prologue

I've spent the last two nights listing down the criteria of the woman that I want as my wife. And I got 100! Amazing, huh? Muahaha. Saja suka-suka. I'm not yet at that stage of finding a soulmate lah :p The trust has been completely shattered and love won't be around for quite a while. It's too troublesome. I'm already worn out from the first one. Tired, and numb. Plus, I still have lots and lotsa thing to do in my 'bujang' life. Nevertheless, the list will be a good reminder for me later :)

But i'm not gonna post up the list now, so you can save your laughter later :p I'll post it up after I graduate. That's if I remember lah~ Haha.

If you read my very 1st entry, i am blogging for her. Therefore I want her to know :)

A Toothy Problem?

Setahun dua ni rasanya kurang nikmat makan. Memanglah saya dah makan bermacam-macam jenis makanan. Makan pada kadar yang melampau banyak plak tu :p Nukilan kali ini bukanlah dengan niat untuk kufur nikmat. Nauzubillah. Astaghfirullah. Alhamdulillah, saya sedar hidup saya ini dilimpahi dengan rahmat dan nikmat yang tidak terhitung :)

So the thing is, I have problem with my teeth. Mmg la, kecik2 dulu suka makan macam2, tapi malas berus gigi. muahaha. But that's not the main issue. Problem now, I can't fully utilize my fangs. Hoho, gigi taring :p Dua-dua gigi taring tumbuh ke depan sikit sebab gigi taring susu dulu dah rosak lambat cabut. Maka terpaksa la dia cari ruang lain untuk tumbuh. I've thought of wearing braces, but it'll be very costly. At least Rm2000! Tunggu kerja esok2 la. Huh, itu satu. Ada satu lagi.

Masalah yang terutama bermula sejak tumbuhnya geraham kecil atau nama lainnya geraham bongsu. Alaaa, yang kat paling hujung paling dalam tu. Biasanya tumbuh dalm lingkungan umur 20-an, saya diberitahu.

Tak tahu la semua keempat-empat geraham kecik ni dah tumbuh ke belum, tapi yang memberi masalah ialah geraham bongsu yang sebelah kanan bawah. Tumbuh pada 'angle' yang salah. Sepatutnya tumbuh menegak kan? tapi yang ini tumbuh ke hadapan. Bukan sahaja menolak gigi di hadapannya dan menyebabkan sakit, malah secara tidak langsung, menghasilkan ruang dengan gigi yang di hadapannya lalu memudahkan pengumpulan bakteria. No cure but to remove it totally through minor surgery. But it'll cost me Rm300+. Again, tunggu kerja lah~

Nevertheless, i can still eat, chew and savour any kind of delicacies wholeheartedly. Ada sapa2 nak belanja makan? sila2 (^_^)

I'll make sure that my kids will have the best dental care!! ;)

Candak Sutong

Saya pergi mencandat sotong 2 hari lepas. Itu kali ke-4 saya ke laut mencandat sotong. Kami bertolak pukul 6.30. Sewa bot, RM500, complete dgn jaket keselamatan dan alat2 mencandat. Kali ni ombak sangat kuat, tak macam yang sebelum2 ni, air tenang je. Saya pulak nak try TAK makan ubat mabuk laut kali ni. Haha. Akibatnya, muntah 2 kali. Tapi dapat jugak la sotong 2-3 ekor. Yang sedihnya, brader bot tu cakap, lepas muntah baik baring dulu. Saya pun baring la, tido kejap. Ingat kul 12 camtu nak bangun mula mencandat semula. Tapi bangun2, enjin bot dah start dah, masa tu kul 12 lebih. Rupa-rupanya kitorang terpaksa balik awal sebab nampak macam nak ribut. Brader bot tu pun dah cuak dah. Hmm, biasanya lepas subuh baru bertolak balik. Kalau tak mesti dapat berpuluh kilo sotong. Tapi kitorang dapat la jugak dekat 5 kilo sotong. Keesokannya, kitorang bakar! wahaha. best2 nyum2!! Cicah cili sos!

Here's some tips for those interested in squid fishing:

1. Musim mencandat biasanya around march-september. Tapi sebaik-baiknya ialah dlm bulan april - jun.
2. Sebaik-baiknya pergi sewaktu bulan cerah. Sotong suka cahaya.
3. Untuk yang rasa dia akan mabuk laut, bolehlah beli ubat mabuk laut di mana2 farmasi. Makan 1-2 jam SEBELUM naik bot. Jangan beli ubat mabuk darat plak tau! Check betul2.
4. Ada juga yg cakap untuk elakkan mabuk, minum air bikarbonat byk2 sebelum naik bot, utk buang angin dlm perut. (tapi tak tau la berkesan ke tak)
5. Elakkan makan selepas zohor, nanti lebih cenderung untuk muntah. Have ur lunch during lunch hour, k.
6. Mencandat sangat mudah, tak perlu umpan hidup pun. Budak kecik pun boleh buat. Tapi kena faham konsep. Candat tu luminescent, dengan kata lain, glow in the dark. Sebab sotong suka cahaya. So, setiap kali sebelum buang candat tu ke laut, pastikan ianya sudah mendapat cahaya mencukupi. Setiap bot candat dilengkapi dengan lampu spotlight, sangat terang, jgn bimbang. Atau sekiranya anda rasa ianya tidak mencukupi, bolehlah bawa torchlight sendiri. hoho.
7. Akhir sekali, ingat, mencari rezeki di laut bukanlah mudah. Sebenarnya bergantung kepada rezeki masing2 juga. Ada yg dapat byk, ada yg dpt sikit. Berdoalah moga dimurahkan rezeki. Jangan malu bertanya juga ya.

Selamat mencandat!

I Will Try To Learn

Again, 3.35 am, and yeah, i should be in bed :p Just finished watching Bridge to Terabithia, and before that, The Guardian.Both were great. At least I enjoyed myself. Learnt a few things as well. This time, I learnt that i'm not that strong.

When you think of it, you can always learn something, in every second of your life, if you want to. What you see, hear, smell, touch, taste and feel...They all race inside you, in the nerves, to your brain, in your veins, to your intangible heart. Will you learn something from it, or will you just let that split-second opportunity vanish into thin air..?

I chose to learn. I'll always choose to learn, and grab the opportunity that comes along with it.

(btw, got a new template! Still need to alter and improve on a lotta things. hoho)

Nocturnal Lutfi

I really need to fix my biologiocal clock. It's totally broken. I am so becoming nocturnal - staying up at night and sleep during the day. I don't remember when this habit started. I just can't get myself in bed at night, at least not till 3am. Sometimes the sandman comes after dawn, and i'd be sleeping til afternoon. Do u know what time is it now? It's 5.03 am for crying out loud! and I just finished watching a movie :p

(For the sake of blaming someone :p) Maybe it's the computer's fault. It helps me to stay awake - movies,games,songs,manga,anime,series. Perhaps, it's my frens visiting me at night, using my computer. Or, it's bcoz of my cellphone, people can contact me anytime, even at 2am :)

Nah, i believe.. the fault is my own. Maybe i love the night more than daylight. It's colder, quiet. Just me n myself. Or perhaps i stayed up a lot during the last semesters and it has become part of me.

Nevertheless, i'll be in trouble if i don't fix this fast. New semester will begin in a month or so. Siang cari rezeki, malam untuk rehat. I have to work hard on my fyp, so i better start early in the morning. Dealing for programs, the office won't be opened at night. My classes won't be at 3am in the morning too :p You see, everything needs me to be alive in the morning! Oh somebody cure me~~

Luppi Is Under Exciting Pressure

Selalu, bila tak online, banyak mende dlm kepala. Tp bila dah online, terus lenyap semua. Tak tau nak tulis apa, tapi dh lama tak update blog, kena tulis something gak.

I'm starting to feel the pressure of the next semester, which will start about 1 month from now. The pressure comes from my FYP (final year project) and from my task as a president. Few big programs - Annual Grand Dinner, Grad Nite, Convest, launching of Kulliyyah of Science, Trip to Beijing. Arghh...headache :p Worried, but nevertheless, excited. I bet things will be fun and things will turn out fine, as always. I have a wonderful family in Science Students Society.

I'm working on my FYP now. I've ordered the kits n chemicals!! (yesterday :p) I already went sampling for my sea cucumber last month at Langkawi. In short, my samples were contaminated. Sadly to say, I have to go to Langkawi again!! muahaha. Oh, i'm sorry, it's actually a happy thing :p Jgn jeles. And then, my supervisor said we'll go sampling to Pangkor island too. Double happy!

Lutfi Needs A Wind Of Change

Lengai?...hmm...kdg2 betul gak. Not in the way that i have no feelings. It's just that i'm too rational. You can't force emotions into my soul. I feel it when i feel it. And i do cry once in a blue moon :) And i'm too relax sometimes. Sometimes? haha. Most of the times :p

Rational+relax = last minute work! I hate my last-minute-work disease. Suka bertangguh. Yeah it's a virus. Why am i keep procrastinating? I regret em all the time but still keep doing em i am. Are they mistakes or are they not? If they are mistakes then why am i not learning from my mistakes? It's crazy to know that i'd always settle all the problems in the end. That, sometimes terrifies me. Maybe i keep doing it coz i always able to save my ass no matter what - without cheating! ( a little maybe :p) Fikir-fikir balik, it's crazy. Terrifying. Gilos. How the hell did i get thru them! Somebody help me.. and oh, i've read once in a magazine that people who like to procrastinate will be prone to heart-attack. Maybe it's true. Somebody help me... T_T

Suka bertangguh = malas --> I think this is the name of the virus. A nicer way to put it is... i prefer to do something else first? muahaha. I haven't even ordered my kits, chemicals n stuffs for my final year project. Other students already done that 2 months ago! What am i doing most of the time? downloading and reading manga! Stupid lutfi! just fill in the damn form n go order those damn kits n chemicals! Setitik peluh pun tak luak lah! Bukannya susah pun!

.....................................................................................................................................................................

But hey, i'm procrastinating, remember? lalalalalaaa...baca manga lagi~~ (^_^)

Lutfi is BACK!

Aren't u amazed by me? last update was on 4th February! Hmm..well, still 2007...on second thought...not amazing enuff :p Maybe i should try to update once a year. Will I be considered amazing then? haha.

Template baru! Macam kanak-kanak riang sket :p huhu. There are times when u just want to go back being a child. Everyone has their 'inner child', i believe. Nevertheless, this template is just temporary. Sebenarnya dah bosan tengok template lama. Nak tukar, tapi tak jumpa yang best. Yang ni agak best, maka guna yang ni dulu ;)

Toooo many things happened within these 2-3 months. There are times when i was happy, excite, jovial. There are times when i was so damn tired, sad, "mental-block". I tried to live like a normal person anyway. It was tough, but it wasn't as difficult as i thought it would be. I could still smile and live my life. "Don't worry too much about the start and the end, just enjoy the process!" - quoted from myself :p

Despite the stab i got in the heart, despite the shot i got in the head, despite the shock waves racing thru my veins, i lived my life to the fullest. I hang out with my frens and family, I handled my society, I played dotA all the time thru LAN, I finished my reports n assignments, studied for my exam, I went to cherating with my frens, I even went to Kenyir and stayed on a boathouse! I smiled, and i laughed, despite all the pain. Despite all the pain.

Lutfi Is Living A Life

Things are getting out of hands. hoho. One by one, the situation is killing me. Nah, don't worry, i won't die just yet. Well guys, if u wanna spice up ur life a lil' bit, try to live my life :)

Academic, societal responsibilities, relationships, each one of 'em brings along a different kind of pressure. Sometimes, all of em resemble 3 angels, comforting, exciting. But at times, they can be like three sharp swords piercing through your heart, all at the same time. But i love 'em all :D And I work best under pressure ;)

A friend once asked me, if God exists, why do we have problems, difficulties, handicaps etc. ? Why can't everything be perfect? My answer would be, if everything is perfect, then living a life would be meaningless. It's like everything is computed into u and u just live a life like a robot. You don't even need such a large brain, a microchip will do just fine.

The life we have now is uncertain. Full of unexpected things. U are happy at one time and all of a sudden u cry out of sadness, then u're happy again in no time. Today u live, tomorrow u die. See what i mean? the uncertainties?

U have a heart, the heart that beats. But u know u have another 'heart', the one u can't see, the receptor for the intangibles. A perfect life do not need two hearts. Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah. Allahuakbar. He knows what's best for us. We 'take gud care' of Him, He'll take gud care of us. Have faith. (Arkkk! dah lama tak ke surau!)

"LA YUKALLIFULLAHU NAFSAN ILLA WUS'AHA"

Bahasa Dalam Lutfi

Kali ini aku ingin berbahasa Ibunda. Iya. Melayu. Kadangkala aku lebih suka berbahasa Melayu memikirkan perkara-perkara hidupku. Aku erti pelbagai bahasa. Yang paling lembut bagi lidahku semestinya Melayu. Fasih pula dengan loghat Terengganu asal tempatku, dan juga Kelantan asal orang tuaku. Dididik sejak kecil untuk berbahasa penjajah, inggerisku boleh dikatakan baik. Bersekolah cina pula enam tahun, hasilnya tidaklah mengecewakan. Selepas itu bersekolah agama, lughah arabiyah juga ada di dadaku.

Bukanlah bahasa tujuanku menulis. Ini bukan blog pendidikan. Catatan kali ini, cuma ingin menyatakan penat. Luahan rasa setelah lama kamar ini bersawang tanpa tamu. Manakan tamu ingin bertandang kiranya rumah tidak bertuan? Lama-lama ada jembalang :p

Lebih 4 bulan blog ini kosong. Aku banyak kerja. Mungkin juga, aku banyakkan kerja? Haha. Sinis sedikit.

Banyak perkara yang berlaku dalam tempoh ini. Susah. Susah kiranya nekad diri untuk menjadi anak yang baik, adik yang baik, abang yang baik, kawan yang baik, pemimpin yang baik, pengikut yang baik, kekasih yang baik dan sudah tentu, muslim yang baik. Banyak hati perlu dijaga. Penat. Separuh hidupku menjaga hati orang. Hati sendiri tidak terjaga :p Moga Allah sayang aku.

Bukanlah maksud hati ini tidak suka. Aku suka apa yang aku lakukan. Sangat suka. Bahkan seronok. Bagi aku, hidup manusia tidak bermakna kiranya hidup semata untuk diri sendiri. Lebih-lebih lagi buat orang-orang yang aku sayang, terasa roh dan jasad ini boleh dipotong dan dibahagi-bahagikan, tidak mengapa, mereka bahagia :) Soalnya, berapa banyakkah aku yang boleh dibahagikan? Sedang aku menulis ini pun, wajah-wajah yang aku sayang makin bertambah, adakah lagi diriku untuk dibahagikan? Ada pula yang mahukan lebih. Aku rasa bersalah. Aku sayang mereka semua. Yang aku ada hanyalah sekeping hati, satu jasad, satu roh.

Ingin baring di pantai putih. Ingin baring di rumput lembut. Ingin baring di pokok rendang. Ingin baring di bawah hujan. Tanpa satu pun kerisauan. Masa untuk hati aku sendiri. Masa untuk diri aku sendiri. Masa untuk jiwa aku semata. Haha. Mungkin anganku tidak akan berjawab.

A Scandal in Lutfi's Life : Lengai?

This is...another secret in my life. Some may have realized this, but nobody really knows the story, the reason behind it. No one knows, and yet, i'm revealing it here.

To anyone who knows me long enough to feel hurt, angry or simply annoyed with my attitude, I am sincerely asking for apologies, for the years of acting, for my hesitation to grab your friendship, for not being a good friend, and especially for not being myself.

The so-called 'lengai' Lutfi...haha...hmm...laughable, but also sad...

I didn't remember when it began. Since secondary school perhaps.

I locked myself and throw away the key.

It began when I had a slight idea of what love was. It was an instinct, but somehow turned into something I held on for a very long time.

My instinct said: love is troublesome, so Lutfi, stay away from it. Do not go anywhere near it. In other words, girls are troublesome, so Lutfi, stay away from them. Do not be too close to them. Always said that to myself.

Remember the song 'Siapalah Aku' by Amy Mastura? It was some sort of like the chorus of that song. "Biarlah, usahlah bermain dengan api, kelaknya terbakar sendiri..." I do love to play with fire, but not this 'fire'.

As a result, I limited my movements as well as my feelings.

I can actually be very good with people. The guys would know this. The girls, only some. Perhaps. Coz i don't limit myself in cyber space, as I don't think things would go far in cyber space. (haha, i was wrong, so wrong that i can even hear the wrong-buzzer! and u can see the word 'WRONG!' stamped red on my forehead :p)

I had tried to stay as low as possible, not wanting to be noticed. Heck, it didn't work very well. I couldn't figure out why. I've been appointed as this and that ever since high school. The problem is, I couldn't reject if I was given the trust. Luckily I failed the prefect interview. Really glad I failed (^_^)v

With guys, i am myself. With girls, I purposedly put on my costume. A cold-heartless-no-feeling-paying-no-heed-to-anything Martian costume. That's why some girls labeled me as 'lengai' (i dunno what's the word in english :p)

I had been living like that for a very long time. Never got myself too close to the girls around me. Didn't let them get too close to me either. Some of them knocked, so I opened the window for them as they offered friendship. A friendship will never be betrayed, that's my word.

However, my costume are only worn in the real world. I let myself be my own self in cyber space, through the microsoft windows. I picked up a few good friends. Even got myself a little sister who I really adored. Who I really used to adore *sigh*. And not to mention, love.

Still, on the net or in reality, I never approached anyone. Never let myself liked anyone too much. Never let anyone had the idea to fall in love with me. And of course, never let myself fell in love with any girl. Tak pernah mengharap apa-apa pun. I was being very very cautious.

I don't mean that the girls around me in reality are unattractive. In fact, in my x-high school or now in UIA, they do have the qualities. UIA are full with great girls - religion, looks, personalities, nice family backgrounds, they have em all. I was like surrounded by enemies. Haha. Weird thinking eh?

Until one day, a girl, someone I met during my school years, after years of hanging around my little window, found the key that i've thrown away ages ago. She bravely opened the door, held my hand, and walked me out. Even though I've never been outside, I somehow feel very safe now. She's like a covenant. She's like my guardian angel. I don't have to be afraid anymore. Whatever i do, i know exactly where i am standing. I will not get lost. And I shall never betray my covenant. For that is my word as a man, a man to that girl who opened the door, who is now a special woman in my life.

So now, I am exploring the world, getting closer to the people who came to visit me at my window. More importantly, i can, and in fact I am now, free and happy to offer my friendship to each and every people i meet, even to the people who I used to see only from afar, from my little window.

Lutfi's Memories in Lanchang

Ok, ni je laa kut gambar2 yg aku nak letak kat entry ni...byk lagi, tapi ni je yg termampu buat masa nie...gambar2 budak2 praktikal sekali dgn aku kat Lanchang yg aku sgt2 sayang, dan sedikit penerangan pasal diorang. Tak kenal maka tak cinta, kan? Baiklah kenal dan cinta daripada tak kenal dan benci :) We're like a family. Enjoy! my friends and my life at Lanchang...

Ni masa kat Merapoh, setup untuk program Jungle River Ecology. Macam pejuang bawah tanah je :p

Seladang wooo belakang aku tuh! hebat seyy!! Bos gaurus hubbacki!!

yg depan tu pak andak, sebelah kanan tu encik syukri dan isterinya.

Ini Aznoor, she's a great girl. sgt kreatif orangnya. Pandangannya sgt berbeza, i mean she can think of something that no one else could think of. For me, she's a very interesting person.

Ini Salleh, pemilik keta Myvi. Sgt baik woo mamat ni...Tiap kali gi kedai, aku tunjuk laa makanan kut2 dia nak beli. Jawapan dia: ko nak ke? kalo nak, aku belikan. terus beli...hoho...

Ini Tini...walaupun pompuan, tapi sgt terer ping pong. Aku yg tatau main ni pun kira dah agak expert laa skrg nie di bawah didikan tini. hoho.

Ini Fiza, budak kelate, dia nie mmg pure gadis kelantan la ni. Masak pandai, sambal tempe dia sgt best, pastu sopan santun, ayu yg tercontrol sepanjang masa :p

Ini awie. selalu je tersengih. Jenis tak berkira. Suka sms aku...suka mengadap computer aku tgk citer2 jepun dalam com. hoho..tapi kat sana dia paling muda

Ini Nor, i dunno why, tp bdk2 ni panggil dia mama, dia slalu blanja aiskim! yeyy! mama! Saya sgt seronok tgk dia makan coz susah betul laa minah ni nak makan.


Ini Pa'an...haha...mudah giler mesra ngan mamat ni...dia boleh citer kisah hidup dia dari kecik smp besar kat aku...hoho...tp kdg2 dia blur...tp main taekwondo woo!

Ini Timie, org kelate, asyik nak pang aku je, dgn aku je garang, tapi dgn org lain lemah lembut ayu gemalai...ahaha...

ni Sharey (Shahariah)...org kelate...sgt baik orangnya... always smiling walaupun hatinya gundah..tp selalu je jadi bahan gurauan aku...haha...dan sgt takut air

Syafiq: Mamat ni kira cam budak praktikal yg plg best laa kat sana. He's the mastermind of the performance. kira serba boleh laa...tp sgt takut dgn binatang, haha.

Ni salah sorang supervisor aku yg sgt best. En Jeffrine. Sgt comel dan boleh main gitar dgn sgt2 best walaupun kidal! Boleh bawa lagu 'this i promise u' dgn sgt mantap! How gud is that?! (nak letak gak gmbr supervisor lain tapi takde gambar laa :(

Belakang tu Mak Andak, yg kecik tu Jannah anak Pak Andak gak, Sebelah kanan tu isteri En. Syukri. Yg kat depan tu pulak Iqah, Kira & Wanie. Semua anak2 pak andak. They all called me 'papa'! Ahakzs!

Wanie & Kira!! Comel!!

Haha...saja bagi 'dia' jeles sket...eh eh...dun worry...ini Nor, dia kawin hujung tahun ni!!

Air terjun!! selalu gak mandi kat sini. syiok!

Orang asli kaum che wong buat sewang masa malam seminar

Baca doa opening utk national seminar...ketar tangan seyy...nasib baik suara tak ketar:p

Ni masa inventori kat tembat, kena pin serangga kat board...buat mende ni sampai kul 2-3 pagi. Serangga sangat fragile especially kupu2...huh...berpinau mata

tukar kelawar2 dari satu balang ke balang yg lain...

perghhh...kuat gile bau formalin!

Heh heh... aku dah pegang jengking, korang bila lagi??

Ini ialah seekor ulat bulu yang comel (^_^)

Tgh baca bearing untuk buat plotting yg jitu!!

Tgh buat laluan untuk plotting ye...bukan sedang mencari tempat utk buang...

Buat Kerja dalam Computer Lab

Paya ni dulu penuh dgn rumpai lalang. Kitorang yang bersihkan!!

Ni tempat tinggal kitorang, namanya ICCB

Bas ni sangat hebat!! Boleh buat Rally!

Aktiviti Tubing kat Merapoh

Atas Observation Tower kat Merapoh

Ada la...somewhere...takleh bagitau...rahsia

Majlis Kawin Cik Nonie

My favorite pic of us...

Lutfi's Friends Batch October 03/04

Well, This is a special entry made to introduce my classmates to the world. Hmm...maybe that's too much...actually just to a few persons who are reading this :p Pls refer to the lower part of the picture,ok? From left: Hajar Fauzan (Fauzan...i just call him Pojan, girls prefer to call him Hajar), Me, Nurhidayati (Yati), Kak Sofie, Arshana Nur (Arshana), Siti Fatimah (Sitot), Nurul Lyana (Nurul) and Noor Isma Yanti (Isma). In the left circle is Munirah (Moon) and in the right circle is Azhane (Ann). Btw, the macho guy at the sitting at the centre is Dr. Irwandi, used to be our lecturer. Now he's in Japan for a research project! Oh, there's one more guy, Mohd Amirullah (Amer). Just scroll down to the next pic. We're on our way to an island in Langkawi. Can't find any other pic having Amer in it. Amer is the one at the left. The other two are Fauzan and Yati.

For the above pic, these are the girls in my batch, maybe kak sofie took this pic coz i can't find her anywhere in this pic :p I cilok all these pics from our blog . Haha. Senang sikit :p From left standing: Nurul, Sitot, Arshana and Moon. From left squatting: Ann, Yati and Isma. As far as I know, Sitot, Yati and Isma dah ada orang chup! :p Tak tau laa percentage of availability diorang berapa, tapi other than thos three, yang lain-lain tu 100% available la kut. Agaknya la. Hohoho.


I still have The Scandal in Lutfi's Life and The Adventure of Lutfi on hold. For The Adventure of Lutfi, I'll introduce my beloved friends at Lanchang for the next entry. For The Scandal in Lutfi's Life, I might wait til there are more than 20 constant readers of this blog :)

The Adventure of Lutfi : Part 2

In the first week of my Practical, we were asked to retag the bats. Take em out from their old jar, jot down their info and transfer into a new jar containing 75% alcohol. Then there's this National Seminar on Protected Areas. where scientists were gathered to present their papers. We did the painting for fences, toilet and the parking lines. Clean up the rooms. Setting up the venue. Registration. Everything, u name it. I, a so-called IIUM student, even given the task to recite du'a for the opening ceremony, an hour before it started! so ad-hoc. Luckily I could mix some Malay in the du'a :p

The second week, we went for an inventory at Tembat Forest Reserve, Tasik Kenyir, Terengganu. Yepyep! A field trip! A fun one too! I love the small creatures rather than the big ones. So, I volunteered to do entomology or the study of insects. I learnt how to use scoop and light traps to catch insects, and to preserve them using ethyl acetate. The most important thing is to pin them on the board neatly and beautifully. There were so many types of insects with various shapes and colors. They were amazing!

I went to Jenderak Selatan (also in Pahang) for Wild Gaur (Seladang) observation. Finally got to see and touch a real Seladang! They were created wearing white socks :p
Went into the Krau forest a few times for frogging and for set up of traps. Frogging was done at night. When will I ever have another chance to walk inside the forest at night! Cool!
Got involved in programmes with high school students. Really had fun with them!
The only boring things were the databases. Damn. Yes, they're important. But yes again, they were indeed boring. U'll even got bored watching others doing it.

The best was the setting up for Jungle River Ecology Program at Merapoh, one of the main entrance into Taman Negara. All 14 IKB's practical students went there, accompanied by 6 'sempoi' staffs went there. Oh, 2 practical students from Elephant Conservation Centre also joined us. We did night observation, looking for nocturnal animals. We did sample plotting - plot a 200mx200m sampling area with smaller 20mx20m quadrants in it. In other words, 100 small squares in a big square. We exprienced tubing! - Sit on a big tyre tube and float along the river for about more than 1km. Now that's a real new experience! Another wonderful experience was the trail mapping - We walked a trail, plot the stations, take bearings at each turn, measure the trail's length, record down the animal signs and tracks, plus the prominent plants and herbs. We made a map of the trail from the information gathered! Hell yeah! uhuk2...Alhamdulillah :) ... We also went to the Kelah sanctuary, feed them, up close and personal! Got up onto the observation tower and had a mesmerizing view of the Taman Negara, plus the Gunung Tahan!

Well, those are some of my working experience, summarized version :) Dunno what's wrong, but can't upload the pics. Next time, perhaps (^_^)V

The Adventure of Lutfi: Part 1

I think I want to do a few entries regarding my industrial training or some people call it practical training. This will be the first one. It was a great experience, one of the best I had in my life! The experience, the place, the people i met and the priceless friendship bonded between me and other practical trainees.

All four of us - Fauzan, Ati, Kak Sofie, and me of course - agreed to meet in UIA so that we can go to our practical place together. We need to register on 12th April. And yes, Ati and Kak Sofie have the cars - a Kancil and a Satria, Fauzan and I need transportations, they can't drive 'em (yet), so we were the drivers. That's one of the reasons. But I guess even if we had our own transportations, it would be best if we went there together :)

Ok, let's start the journey from my hometown, Kuala Terengganu. It was 10th April. I didn't have to pack much since most of my stuffs were still in UIA. But I did carry with me a big bag, or is it called luggage bag? nevermind, u get what i mean, rite? If u still don't understand, it's a bag - period.

My 5th bro and his spouse were also there at home. And they're also going back to KL at the same night, only a little bit late. My bus was at 9pm. or was it 10pm? bad memory :p Not wanting to waste my ticket, I still got myself on that bus instead of going back with my bro.

So, there I was, in that bus. Sutera. I sat on the right column of the seatings, near the window too. The bus was half an hour late! Even worse, something wrong with the door it couldn't close properly. It also stopped at a few places to pick up people. It stopped to fix the damn door too. I started to wonder what the heck is wrong with this bus. I think the bus began its REAL journey to KL around 11pm. But the weirdest part, the most unusual part is, I can't sleep! I've tried my hardest to sleep, called Mr. Sandman so many times, but failed miserably! :p You know, usually I'd be in deep slumber, at most, half an hour after a bus moves (My closest friends would know this for a fact :p). That night, it was already 2-3 hours after the tyre started to roll, and I wasn't even sleepy!

The bus was moving fast. Tapi nak kata laju sgt pun tak jugak, biasa la kan. It's a straight road. And suddenly there's a detour to the left due to some stupid construction that didn't put any notice. They did put notice, but only exactly at the detour! So, the bus driver did what any other sane driver in the world would do. Brake!!! I could hear the sound of the tyre-road friction! I thought to myself:"Wow...this is so cool...takkan bas ni nak accident kut..." then again:"nah...tak mungkin lah." The bus slowed down already. So it's safe. Soon after that, GEDEGANG!!! The bus i was on got hit from behind. My bus swirved to the left, off the road... yes...off the road...

Off the road...I said to myself:"ok..." A split second after that, it started to turn upside down from its left side. I quickly reach my hands out to the front seat and grab it (teruja jugak dgn reflex saya sniri). I said to myself again:"Wow!...this is so cool!" As a matter of fact, I was smiling at that time :) On second thought:"bas ni jatuh dalam gaung ke....hmm...don't care if I do die..". If it was meant for me to die in such a tragedy, then die I will. There's nothing else I could but to hold on tightly to the front seat.

Luckily, the bus stopped turning after about 120 degree. And I was hanging on the front seat, the right side of the front seat. My feet didn't touch any ground. I chose to keep hanging since I might fall down on other people down there. Hey, the guy beside me wasn't in his place anymore! Regardless of other people's situation, that's one of the sweetest moment in my life. And again, I said to myself:"Wow, this is soo cool!... Sooo cool!! (I really couldn't stop saying it)...Oh, lupa plak...Alhamdulillah selamat..." Memang teruja gila masa tu. Ingat nak kata Alhamdulillah coz terlibat dgn kemalangan, but I thought it won't be fair for others who might get serious injury. But seriously, I was grateful.

Then, somebody told me to come down. Dah turun tu baru nampak sikit macam mana keadaannya. I was like in my own world up there hanging :p And of coz, a lot of people were panic. Heard a lot of screaming too, not because they are hurt, but just because the're panic. So I stood there for a while, watching the scenery. Then I sat down on the place where u put the bags on the bus, continue enjoying the show. I know it's rude to say that I was enjoying the show. It's actually like when u're really amaze with something, u just stood there, amazed. I sat there and thought to myself:"Wow...I'm in a real bus accident...me...here...bus accident...I can't believe this...it actually happens...to me...at last!" (Remember the entry about me putting a hole on the 'cadar'...haha...yes, that's what i'm talking about!)

I was in my own world again, until a woman called me and asked me to help her get her bag out. Even cooler, I went out through the windscreen!! Can you believe that?! Well, I don't know whether it broke coz of the accident or somebody simply broke it.

Another bus, transnational, was in front of my bus, but unlike my bus, it's still on its tyres. The area was actually near mangrove. I even stepped in the mud. And I just washed my shoes 2 days before. Darn. Luckily there are few parts of solid ground. The place where we fell, it's about 5 metres down from the road. From the bus driver, I was told that the Transnational didn't manage to brake and hit our bus. I looked around, nobody seemed to got hurt. Most of them looked fine. And there's nothing much I can help either. I really looked around to help but really couldn't find any...I wonder why myself. This is an accident. There must be someone who needed help. But seriously, everyone looked fine. Everybody was asking:"Where are we?" I asked the same question too. Last2 dapat tau ada dekat2 dengan Dungun.

Then I called my mom to tell her i'm safe. I really felt guarded that night, by The One up there. Everything went smooth though I was in an accident. Didn't even got myself a scratch! And my bro was on his way back to KL too. Called him to pick me up! Then the ambulance and bomba arrived. They sure were fast. Kagum2. Then, orang2 yang dah takde apa2 disuruh naik ke jalan besar. Even called 'her' and have a chat while waiting for my bro :p My bro datang siap amik2 gambar lagi. Cam datang trip plak.

Nobody in my bus got serious injury. Unfortunately for the Transnational's they seem to have more injury than us, although from the looks of our buses, the Sutera seemed to be more seriously damaged. Cakap kat orang ramai yg datang tengok kat situ, saya penumpang bas Sutera tu. Mata dia terbeliak macam tak percaya. Haha. Then off we go, to KL. The next day, met with others and we started our journey to Institut Kepelbagaian Biologi, Lanchang, Pahang!

Read newspapers few days after, at my practical place (^_^)V, I was glad that nobody died in that tragedy :) Alhamdulillah...

Why the heck does Lutfi blogs?

I haven't updated my blog for quite some times now. Was it 3 months? Yep yep, 3 months. If you included my last two entries into account, then another month or two should be added. I was busy? yes. I wasn't in a good mood? true. But hey, don't take it literally. Coz I'm always in a good mood (^_^)v It's just that I wasn't in the mood for blogging.

Within these months, a set of question popped up in my mind - why blog? what's the purpose of me blogging? Why am I exposing myself, my life, to others?

I know that the reason for some people to blog is to convey their opinions to others.That's what bloggers normally blog for. Some others use blogs as their diaries, jotting down every ups and downs, with tears of sadness and happiness as well. Their grandchildren might be reading their entries 50 years later :)

But of course, some people say that if you're a great person, you should be blogging about bigger issues, global problems, at least a country-level issues. Yes, it is true. too.

So, again, why am I blogging? You know, if I, myself, asked myself, or if i being asked that question by others, then my answer would be 'I, myself, do not know why'. Or maybe the answer would be 'I just feel like doing it, just for the sake of doing it' All the reasons could come later. Whether it is a way for me to convey my ideas, or it is my diaryor whether it is totally a waste of time, I don't care.

Nonetheless, I do hope my readers out there somewhere got a small chunk of benefit, if not more, from what i wrote here, in this humble blog of mine - Scandals in Lutfi's Life. At least, I am sharing my life with you as a friend. There you go, i finally have the answer for my question previously. I blog so that I can share my life with my friends! Thank you for stopping by, friends :) And of course, I will have another update soon! Soon...but not very soon... :p

LIFE IS GREAT!!

Lutfi no shiken owarimashita!

Gomen ne!... dah lama tak update...yeyy! Dah abis exam! Nak update blog!



Tapi...
Sgt penat...
mengantuk....
semalam tak tido...study.....
nak update blog skrg...
zz...
Arkk....
entry baru!...
zzzz....
Malam ni dah nak balik Terengganu....
Kena buat entry baru....

Lutfi...
Jangan tido....

ZZZzzzzz.........................................................

Lutfi tags!

I'll continue my love story after this commercial break! Hoho!

10 FAVOURITES:
Favourite Colour: Purple
Favourite Food: Sate & Ice-Cream
Favourite Month: November!
Favourite Song: Suatu Masa by M. Nasir
Favourite Movie: Windstruck
Favourite Actor/ Actress: Julia Roberts
Favourite Season: Rainy season
Favourite Day Of the Week: Saturday
Favourite Ice Cream Flavour: Chocolate
Favourite Time of Day: Late at night

9 CURRENTS:
Current Mood: Ntah...biasa je...
Current Taste: sweet?
Current Clothes: baggy pants and shirt
Current Desktop: I'm in comp lab rite now. My own PC would have wallpaper rurouni kenshin
Current Toenail Color: huh?
Current Time: 9.38 pm
Current Surroundings: chill
Current Thoughts: When will I finish all my assignments and reports...
Current Hair Colour: Black (It's natural)

8 FIRSTS:
First Best Friend: Tan Poh Ching (During std 2 :P I have no idea where he is now)
First Kiss: not yet
First Screen Name: illuthive? tak ingat plak.
First Pet: hamster
First Piercing: never did
First Crush: dun think i have any
First Album: Hybrid Theory - Linkin Park
First Phone: Alcatel. Dunno what model it was.

7 LASTS:
Last Cigarette: never smoked
Last Drink: Chrysanthemum tea (Right spelling?)
Last Car Ride: Just this morning, went to Jalan Gombak to pay my bill.
Last Kiss: never been kissed lah! Except by my mom :P
Last Movie Seen: Baik Punya Cilok! Best! Best! Sgt Best!
Last Phone Call: Can't remember
Last CD Played: Ai Yori Aoshi (an anime i've burnt on cd-r)

6 HAVE YOU EVERS:
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Girl Friends: Nope
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Law of Nature? Vague Question. Void. Basically not yet.
Have You Ever Been Arrested: Nope, except in Need For Speed: Most Wanted
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Huh?!
Have You Ever Been on TV: Not Yet
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: In dreams :P

5 THINGS:
Thing You're Wearing: Grey baggy pants and red shirt
Thing You've Done Today: Pay my bill, biodiversity class, watch some anime...
Thing You Can Hear Right Now: I'm in comp lab. Hearing the sound of keyboard and people talking
Thing You Can't Live Without: my heart? my soul?
Thing You Do When You're Bored: do something with my computer

4 PLACES YOU'VE BEEN TODAY:
My hostel
Celcom service centre
Biodiversity class
Computer lab

3 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO:
Wan Norhidayah
Mohd Fariq
-Vacancy- anybody wanna stay here?

2 CHOICES:
To finish my assignment tonite or not? I have to!
Refer to post Lutfi, In Dilemma: What the hell am I going to do about that person...

1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
Ucap 2 kalimah syahadah!

Tag: any blogger who read this!

A Scandal in Lutfi's Life: The Beginning

Before I start, I would like to clarify something. There was an entry 'Lutfi, In Dilemma'. Well, it has nothing to do with this. That dilemma involves different person, different relationship whatsoever. Ok now, allow me to begin...

It all started around 5 years ago. Can't remember the exact date. Pity. It could have been one of our anniversaries. I was in form 3 or form 4. My kak long bought home a computer. For the first time, we had a computer. Even better, there was an internet connection too! Yeyy! So I started exploring the computer since then. Sekarang ni celik IT!

I really can't remember how it all started. It was an era of chit-chatting. I got myself into this stuff too - MIRC. The Internet Relay Chat. Some of my friends did too. We had fun chatting with each other though we saw each other in class everyday. Stupid, eh? Even more stupid, go to class the next day and talk about what we chat last night. Haha. But hey, it was really fun. Sometimes, we met new guys or girls, nice people, but there were annoying people as well. Good old days~. Hmm...a lot of things happened in that cyberspace...

My nickname was 'illuthive', originated from the word 'illusive'. Merged it with my name 'lutfi', I came out with 'illuthive'. Nice nickname. Yepyep. A nice one indeed. **Haha, masuk bakul angkat sendiri.** Hey, at least someone was attracted. There was a girl.

Ehem ehem...I didn't mean to attract anybody ok...I chat to get some new friends. Doesn't matter if it's a girl or a guy. Unlike most of the chatters that time. The guys, started conversation with a/s/l? which means age/sex/location? After they knew I was a guy. Bye!

Ok, back to the story. That girl...'******_******'? I think that was her nickname. At first, she was mad at me. She said 'hi' to me the night before but i didn't answer. She thought I was those kind of ego, arrogant guy, think too highly of myself. Actually I was away from the computer for a while. By the time I came back, she's not there anymore. I apologized. As simple as that, we became friends. She told me she was attracted to my nickname. and her name is *** *****. From *******.

Life goes on as usual, except that I always chat with her. We became good friends. Sometimes I receive snail mails from her. She was really open and she sure talks a lot. Don't get us wrong, we never had any feelings to each other. Just good friends. Well, u know me, I don't really care bout all that love2 stuff. She? I was pretty sure she didn't think bout all that stuff either. The uniqueness in our friendship at that time is that we're very sincere in becoming friends. We've never met, never seen any pics of each other, never even heard of each other's voice. Everything was typed/written and read. We promised not to cross those 3 boundaries - meet, pics, call. Even without all that, she became my best friend.

Since that day. We keep contacting each other, via chatting, mails or e-mails. She went into Matrik Kementerian. I got myself into Matriculation Center of IIUM (UIA). During that time, we lost contact for a short while. But then, we reconnected. Via e-mails of course. The era of MIRC was over after SPM. Then we got ourselves handphones. Things got much easier. It's good to have technologies, isn't it? Our relationship? Still as usual, Best friends. Then she made it into UTM. Me? In UIA lah! (to be continued...)

A Scandal In Lutfi's Life: The Prologue

ehem ehem...I have a special girlfriend now.

Any difference in Lutfi?

I wonder, do I look different these few days?

Or I'm still the old usual Lutfi u know.

^_^

Lutfi is the Only One Left!

So much happy things happened. Guess I'm always blessed by Allah. What happened? Hohoho...Two more of my bros got married. One on Christmas eve(24th December 2005), the other one on the second day of Chinese New Year(30th January 2006). Haha, what a coincidence. Pandai betul pilih tarikh. Kenduri kat rumah was on 31st january yang lepas. Kira buat sekali la dua-dua tu, boleh dikatakan abang dan adik kawin sekali la.

My 4th bro and his soul mate

My 5th Bro and his soul mate

I have 5 big brothers. Big family, eh. One of them,2nd bro, Zulkifli, died young due to fever. 4 left.

1st and 3rd bro got married in 2001. Yang ni dulu pun kawin sekali. Kenduri sekali. 1st bro got married to Sabahan, from Sampoerna. 3rd bro with Kelantanese, Kubang Kerian to be exact. 4th bro, also witk a Kelantanese, from Pasir Puteh. Finally, my last sis-in-law is from Kajang, Selangor, married to my 5th bro. Semuanya boleh dikatakan ada rupa la.


FYI, all of em only knew their spouses less than a year before they got married. Meaning? I mean, there were no lovey-dovey stuff. U know, cintan-cintun semua tu. Even if there were, only for a short while, few months at most. So different from the trend nowadays. Well, there are few assumptions that can be made.

1. They didn't have enough money before.

2. They were too busy with works.

3. They just couldn't find that right person.

4. They don't like cintan-cintun.

5. They don't care about girls, like girls are the last thing on their mind.

6. They are better Muslims, avoiding adulteries (zina).

7. Mom didn't say anything.

8. They didn't care about all these stuff, until they thought it's time to do so.

Well, for the 1st bro, my sis-in-law made the big move. bold eh. 3rd bro was match-made(btul ke pekataan ni?) by my uncle. 4th bro was match-made by mom herself. But mom was only the initiator. The rest was completed by my bro himself. 5th bro found his soul-mate by his own. 4th and 5th bros did have another relationship before. Broke up.

Since all my bros already got married, in pairs. I have to do it solo i guess. No more guys in the family. Hoho.

Lutfi's Vacation in Langkawi

Langkawi! WOW! it's not that Langkawi is a very very very beautiful place. But it's because I had lotsa lotsa lotsa fun! it's been a while since my inner child came out and play. I mean, It's been a while since I had that much fun. I can forget all my worries. That's the point.

Langkawi is quite beautiful, and serene too. Peaceful. Almost the same as Terengganu. That's why I love it. It's just that foreigners were all over the beach, Pantai Chenang to be specific. I had to increase my iman in order to stay away from 'maksiat'. Wahaha...poyo je. No lah, they were not as interesting as I thought they would be. After a while, u won't even notice their existence. Btw, We stayed at Pantai Chenang, in 2 big chalets, or were they bungalows? Didn't matter, we all slept soundly every night.

Oho, lupa nak mention, we actually went there under the course 'biodiversity'. It's actually a field trip to collect samples for our studies, i.e. gamat, mudskipper(ikan belacak), and any creatures at Telaga Tujuh. Well, it seemed more like a short vacation to me. Not to mention the all the chocolates I bought. Puas ati makan coklat. huhu...Makes me wanna go there again! I've been trying to upload pics like..a zillion times!!...either i'm unfortunate or the internet line just sucks...I did manage to upload few pics....after spending a few stupid hours in the lab...

jambatan gantung atas puncak gunung!

If u go to Langkawi, make sure u don't miss this!

Makan besar, haha, on the expenses of the lecturers. Best woo...'gulai kalut' namanya. Memang kitorang makan dengan kalut pun. Lapar giler. Kedarah tak hengat dunia!

Dalam Cable car. Hoho. Tgh2 cuak pun boleh senyum lagi :) tinggi wooo..

Ni kat Porto Malai. I think it's Portuguese language for 'Port Malay'

Kat Telaga Tujuh. The whole excavation team, except sorang tak cukup. Sapa? Cameraman laa. Who the heck tu tatau laa.

View from 700m above sea level!

Ni kat jeti mana ntah, tgh tunggu bot datang, nak pegi Pulau Kentut Besar. Haha. Tu nama lama, Nama baru dia Pulau Intan Besar. Kira nak gi Mangrove la ni, cari mudskipper a.k.a. ikan belacak. Ikan tembakul pun sama ek? Eh ke lain. Lain laa...

This is my team, Team Andaman. Satu lagi Team Eagle. Of coz laa tak letak gamba diorang. Nak upload gambar ni pun separuh kudrat abis.

Well, insyaAllah I'll add more pics. Byk lagi gambar best. In the mean time, boleh jenguk2 blog fauzan dan blog biotechnologist-to-be

Lutfi, in Dilemma

Last night was very...blues.

Darn.

It's been quite a while since my last 'blues night'. U know, thinking deeply about life and relationship.

I'm not talking about the lovey-dovey thing here. However, it's close to that. But not exactly it.

I was studying for my environmental biotech quiz. Sambil dengar lagu jay chou and at the same time enjoying the soothing night. Then, out of a sudden, somebody crossed my mind. Ganggu je aku nak study....

It's a promise. A promise made about 5 years ago.

I've been holding to this promise ever since. Barely holding. Never ever had a chance to grab it tight. Tak tahulah salah di pihak siapa. Or maybe it's nobody's fault.

I never did take the promise as a play or something as to fill up my pasttime. In fact, I did take it seriously. Even though i'm not the one who requested this promise. I sincerely accepted and willing to commit to it.

I do meet that person once or twice a year. But as days go by, the promise seems to be fading as well. At least from my view, it is. I don't know what's on that person's mind.

The promise should make us closer to each other. Instead, We're getting more far apart.

I can't reach. That person didn't reach me too. I don't know whether the person tried or not.

When I remembered the promise, it makes my life miserable. Coz I don't think I'm fulfilling it. Nor did I try. I can't find the opportunity to even try. Was I given the opportunity? I didn't see any.

I don't want any more of this miserable promise.

Maybe the person doesn't even need it anymore. That's why things turn out to be like this.

I've been thinking hard, and deep.

I've decided.

Let go. I guess that's the best thing I should do. Let go of the promise.

It's only a matter of time till I see this person again.

The day we meet again, will be the day I break the promise. And let go.

Lutfi prejudges and is prejudged

Hmmm...hmmm...hmmm...dah lama tak update blog nie...rasa janggal plak...

Well...many things happened in this one n a half month...this new semester...new subjects...new tasks...new year...and many other new things...even new people...new faces...new friends...

Some of them are not really new frens. I've noticed their existence before, but they seemed a bit far away...Fortunately, they are getting closer. And closer.

Sometimes, it makes u wonder...when u first meet somebody, how do u appear to them? I mean, what's ur first impression? how about their first impression? How do they look at u? Can we get along? u know, things like that. And most of the times, we prejudge. Is that a bad thing?

Some of my friends asked how i thought of them when we first met. I found it difficult to answer. It's vague, I can't remember. I wondered why. Then I figured out why.

Personally, I don't think prejudge is wrong. It's a human nature. I don't think it can be avoided, by any means. At least for a second u meet someone new, u will prejudge.

What makes prejudge bad is if u stick to ur prejudgement all the time u're with that person. Even worse, when ur prejudgement turn out to be totally the opposite, u'll get that pathetic feeling. Like u are the worse being.

and so, I've found my answer. I do prejudge. But then I put it in the recycle bin. As a human, u can't just remove all ur memory, can u? Unless ur hard disk accidentally crash. God forbid.

Most of the times, I don't really care how people think of me. Except in formal occasion, because it involves other parties. But if it's just about me, I don't and I won't give a damn. I've heard a few prejudgement on me, told by my former-strangers-but-now-friends. I can really laugh about it. Coz in the end they found out that they were wrong. Totally. Hey, whoever read this, why don't u tell me what do u think of me the first time we met? That would be fun, i guess. It tickles.