Becoming & Being Better

I like Islam. Not coz it's my religion. I don't know. I just feel comfortable with it. Well, I'm not really a pious muslim. I'm just a so-so guy with a civic mind. But for some reason, Islam is one thing that I hold dearly. Mind you, I'm not a fanatic~ Before I go further, lets see where I'm standing now...

• I do not miss solah wajib.
• I do solah sunah rawatib (before or after solah wajib) occasionally, when I feel like it. I skip it most of the times.
  
• In my almost 24 years of life, I only perform solah sunah tahajud a few times. That's because we have qiamullail program. I don't think I have ever done it by myself.
• I pay zakat now.
  
• I fast (puasa). Never purposely miss it ever since standard 3.
• I still don't have that intention to collect lots n lots n tonnes of pahala during Ramadhan. Except for fasting and tarawih. I think everything else goes pretty much the same. Lailatul-qadr? still the same... *sigh*
  
• I do perform solah sunah tarawih, but sometimes I'm not so up to it. Tired and lazy~ But I do it anyway, up to 8 rakaah only. huhu.
  
• Solah sunah tarawih 20 rakaah? Not more than 3 times each year. This year? only twice~
• I like to recite the Quran, it makes me feel good. But I seldom go through the meanings.
• I do not want to kill anyone, disobey my parents, zina, steal anything or do any other big sins. Nauzubillah.
• I have a civic mind, but I'm not very pious. I wish I could avoid the smaller sins. But sometimes I purposely do it. But guilty feelings would stick around afterwards. But I do it again anyway :p
• Knowledge regarding Islam? I don't think I have much.

Well, I am a good person. Yes I do think that I am a good person. *tak malu. huhu.* But I do not think that I am a good-enough muslim. Do good deeds. Yep, I could do some. Avoid the bad ones. Nope, can't avoid all. That's where I'm standing now.

It's almost the end of Ramadhan. Am I better than I was last year? Yes. Am I worse than last year? Yes, too. Some part of me became better yet another part became worse. This year I eat moderately for buka puasa. Last year was always 'berhenti selepas kenyang'. I don't recite al-Quran this year as much as I did the years before. Well that's just two simple examples. There are other changes. The thing is, how can I say I'm a better person? or a better muslim?

Regardless of everything, I don't feel really really bad. *A little bad, yeah* Coz I do have the intention of being a better muslim. It's not an easy path. It may take some time. Years, maybe. Or decades. At this rate now, to be honest with myself, sins are not always avoidable. Sometimes things just happen. And sometimes it happens too fast it can't be undone anymore. And sometimes you are putting fun as your priority in life. Sometimes u got lost for a moment, or for a while. I consider that as a detour.

I would always do good deeds. But I also don't have doubt of doing something sinful someday. When you're alone, you tend to get lost easier. Perhaps when I have my own wife and kids to take care of, I won't get lost anymore. Nevertheless, no matter how lost I might be, I know that I would find my way back to the path, the path in becoming a better muslim. With a prayer that He would always be guiding me.

DEAR BLOG, DEAR YOU, DEAR READERS, SELAMAT HARI RAYA. MAAF ZAHIR BATIN. Forgive me if I ever put a cut on your soft, fragile heart. For it was never intended. Wallahu a'lam.