C.H.A.N.G.E

Oh, it's that season again. General Election~ the season when people increase their efforts to criticize others, but speak only the good things about themselves. Both with 200% exaggeration :p Well, you can think of it that way and hate it. Or, if you have a ripe-enough brain, u may raise up your open hand and feel that the wind is blowing hard. Is it a wind of change?

Naturally, humans are the agents of change, we have the power to change. You smile, you make someone happy. You frown, you make someone sad. Simply said, someone or something may change because you change.

The questions in mind. Should I change? This is good enough, why would I wanna change anything? Am I not comfort enough? If I make changes, will it be better FOR ME?

For those who are in the 'comfort zone', 'C.H.A.N.G.E' is one big word. They have already settled down with what they have, with what they were told they have. It is enough. They don't know, and they don't want to know about any other options that they actually have. They based their beliefs on the images right in front of their eyes, and the sounds that goes through their eardrums. I-don't-mind-not-using-my-mind kinda attitude.

I didn't get myself to register for election. Yes, my fault, my mistake, my carelessness, my bad, i admit. Anyhow, I would like to share an opinion, an option. It's a little late for me because I failed to register, but somehow I really feel like I want to see a colossal change in Malaysian politics. I am a little late in realizing things around me. This is the least I can do for a change.

I'll try to be neutral, not gonna exaggerately criticize or praise any party. Just a normal student's point of view.

Things doesn't look good these few years. Crime rate increased, kids are missing, people don't feel safe or secure anymore. Prices of goods increased. Oil price increased, and I heard it will be higher after election. We succumb to Singapore in a couple of issues, pity us. And our so-called 'imam' who proposed Islam Hadhari got his hand wrapped around a a non-muhrim woman's waist. Cool ey? Should I follow his footsteps? He's my leader after all :p

Hmm...You know, when a sponge got too saturated, it can hardly absorb any more water. Have they reached their limit? Is it because they have been in reign for so long that they fail to see their flaws and fix them. Or perhaps, the damages have been done, and those damages are irreparable. Can we, can Malaysia, move on further at this rate?

I have seen years of reign by Barisan Nasional. Yes, they are good, especially during the time of the legendary Tun Dr. Mahathir (Perhaps, he has sins, but there are too many things about him that deserves my respect). But today a thought crossed my mind. How far can Malaysia actually go? Now, it feels like we are deteriorating, inside and outside.

Not to be bias, but I kinda admire how PAS manage to take care of Kelantan with limited resources. I wonder what they can do if given proper resources. In 80's and 90's, in the hands of Barisan Nasional, Terengganu received oil royalty worth 600 million per annum. But funny, it remains as one of the poorest states. When PAS took over in 1999, the royalty was ridiculously cancelled. PAS governed the state with limited resources. Nonetheless, they managed. Therefore, I would like to see what will happen to Malaysia in the hands of PAS. Can PAS take us further?

We are the agents of change. We have the power to change. Should we change? There are risks involved. Fear. Why are we so afraid to take risks and change? Should we take those risks? I'd say yes, unless you are already comfort enough and you are pretty sure you'd be at least as comfort as you are now in years to come. To me, it's not about PAS or BN or DAP or KeAdilan. I simply want one who can take us further, physically and spiritually. I want to be safe and secure, no matter when and where, even at the darkest corner of a road. I want more money, but I want to spend less on everyday needs! Dignity, I want it the most. And yes, I want to be a better muslim. I think Malaysia needs a new breath of life. Fresh Malaysia, reborn again, in good hands.

Pak lah said this is not the time to experiment things. Somehow, I cannot agree with him on that. Sometimes, if you want to be better, it is not enough to simply improvise or fix things. Another option? Change everything. Start anew.

Sigh...

I wish I could just throw away my handphone, so that nobody could reach me. But I just couldn't do so. Why? Because there are important people who need to be in touch with me~ darn.

It was very peaceful during my practical training at Institut Kepelbagaian Biologi (Biodiversity Institute), in Lanchang, Pahang. Coz we could hardly get any phone signal there.

But why don't I want anybody to reach me?

Well, some of them simply want to fill up their time and they think bugging me would be the most productive thing to do. Oh, I hate one-way communication. They are having fun, but I'm not.

Nevertheless, there are a few people that I actually enjoy texting with. And I could go on and on and on...

But the problem is, it'll get us closer to each other. The last thing I need now is to be concerned about another person, a girl especially. I wanna be carefree for now. God, please let me stay single for another year~

Stay away from me. Let me be by myself. Don't get yourself tangled up with me. Coz I have chosen not to break another heart, not to hurt another soul.

Pergi main jauh-jauh.

rock climbing

PAIN HEALS.
CHICKS DIG SCARS.
GLORY LASTS FOREVER!

Keanu Reeves said that in his movie, The Replacements. One of the coolest things I've ever heard! It seems befitting with my latest adventure (^_^) Hoho, last weekend I went ROCK CLIMBING at Batu Caves! The Adventure & Recreational Club (ARC) collaborated with Science Students Society (SCIENCESS) to organize this 2-days program. Being a normal student I am, I got time~ muahaha.

We arrived with the determination to conquer!!

Briefing by the 'Otai' Abg Man. He's been climbing rocks for more than 10 years!
He taught us about the history, the equipments used, the communication etc. The hows, the dos and the don'ts!
The basic knot we need to learn was called 'double figure of 8, follow through with stopper'. Long ey?

BBQ! lalalalalaaa~


Eyarghhhhh!! Let's do this!!
What we did (for beginners) was called 'top roping'. They already anchored the ropes at certain heights for us. Different 'roads' have different height of anchors. For top roping, 2 people involves at the same time. The person who climbs is called 'climber', and the one holding the other end of the rope on the ground is called 'belayer'. Mind you, you have to climb with your own strength and skills! The ropes are only for safety reason, so that if you got off balanced, slipped or whatever, you won't fall down to the ground and die wastefully :p This is a very safe sport. All the equipments were tested and certified~


Dedicated rock climbers :p

Everybody was looking up at the climbers~

Hoho, that's me conquering my first road!

Reached the anchor, Peace!

Resting~

Halfway on my 2nd Road, a lil tougher this time~ I got off balance once

Yeah! Reached the anchor! No mountain is too high~ hehe

Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever!
My 3rd road. A lot tougher than the previous two, damn tough for me - a beginner! Plus, having climbed two roads already, I was quite worn out even before I started climbing, my hands were a bit shaky. About 2-3 metres from the top, I got off balance 5-6 times, hanging only by the rope. I almost gave up. Zero energy. Cuts and scratches on my hands and feet. I saw a lil blood on the stone I stepped on. I recalled the Goo Goo Dolls' Iris - "Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive". If I had given up, I would be regretting it now for sure. It's just isn't me to end up that way. So I gathered every ounce of my God-knows-from-where last strength and force myself to the top! (*Remember, the top here means the anchor) Thank you my belayer, Don, for being patient and supportive! ;)

That's Don at the very left, followed by Abg Man, our instructor. The rests are unknown fellow climbers :p

The ROCK CLIMBERS.
We ROCK!!

After that, muscle pain all over my body for a couple of days!~ Cuts on my hands, arms and feet. helped a bit in adding more pain :p Every movement hurts. I could barely lift my arms. I even had a hard time scrubbing my body over shower :p But hey, remember what I said? Huhu. Glory lasts forever!~ (^_^)v

Lalalalalaaa~ good goody goody~

Has it been very long since the last update? Sorry, too hooked up with dotA. Oh, for the jahil ones, dotA is a game extended from the infamous Warcraft III, but this one is played on LAN. For the jahilier ones, LAN is Local Area Network :p

Oh, btw, good news! Somehow I got A for my final year project. HAHAHA. That's not a laugh of happiness. It's just funny, coz I submitted 4 days late. Oh, another good news! This one is far better than getting A for FYP :p I've moved to a new room and we have wireless broadband in my room! Lalalalalaaa~ Blogging from my room? You bet I am!! Heaven~ muahaha. I chat, I surf, and guez what, I did some personality quiz :p Here are some of the results! (Achtung! For entertainment only, do not believe~ especially the good ones ) Alternative medicine guru, can u believe that? hohoho

Personality Test

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. In love, you truly see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow. You enjoy relationships as long as they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation. At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher. How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

What Your Handwriting Says About You

You are sometimes a very energetic person, but you are sometimes quite lethargic. You're moody, prone to ups and downs, and you don't have a lot of endurance. You range from very outgoing to very shy. You are a shapeshifter who is very versatile. You adapt well, and you look at things from many angles. You are balanced and grounded. You know how to get along well with others. You need a lot of space in your life, and it's easy for you to feel stifled. You avoid commitment and responsibility whenever you can. You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart. You are a poor communicator. No one really knows exactly what you're getting at.

Your Personality is Very Rare (ENTP)

Your personality type is optimistic, curious, enthusiastic, and open. Only about 4% of all people have your personality, including 3% of all women and 5% of all men. You are Extroverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

I did another one entitled "What Kind Of Candy Are You?". But I'd rather not post the result here coz it sounds too good :p

I am student

I've submitted my thesis, 4 days after the due date yeyy! Yepyep, I'm the only one who submitted late. Funny, during that one week, I watched lots of movies, I read manga, went to KL, went on a field trip with the juniors, clean my room (haha), eat out a lot, and God knows what else I've been doing but my thesis! But in the end, I'm still satisfied with my finally submitted thesis (^_^)

Life has been different, I guess. I simply wanna enjoy life as a plain, normal, average student. Below average, sometimes :p Ever since the 2nd year of my student life, there were things on my shoulder, things in my mind, things in my hands. It got heavier in my 3rd year, and during my 4th year, God, it's heavy. Study for a science degree, having a not-so-understanding girlfriend, and at the same time being someone everyone are depending on, God, it's heavy.

People have high expectations from you. You have to know lotsa things, you have to talk a lot, you have to know everything, you have to care about everything, keep track of things. You have to squeeze your brain constantly, to think, think and keep thinking. You have to think for other people's sake, never yours. You have to finish your assignments as well, write your reports, and study for quizzes and exams, you cannot fail!

You have to know people, you have to keep people together, you have to solve other people's fights. You even have to wear a more-than-proper attire, people are looking at you, watching you. Lutfi, wear shoes! You have to set a good example.

You have to have time, even when there is none. Sacrifice a lil bit of these, and a lil bit of those, and a lil bit of these and those. You have a mother, living alone at home. And you were saying to yourself, shouldn't you be putting a smile on her face instead of everybody else's face? Dilemma, here and there and everywhere. You have a girlfriend, Oh, no, now you don't have her anymore. Perhaps, you were too busy back then? REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING MENTIONED ABOVE, YOU HAVE TO SMILE SINCERELY.

But believe me, it was in my 4th year that I truly felt blessed. I had great nakama (it's japanese, it means comrades, companions) and I had wonderful friends. I still have them all! I got to know my juniors. I'm closer to my seniors. I had tonnes of joyous moments. I had great experiences. I grew up, more than I could imagine. My 4th year was heavy, yes, but no regret whatsoever, not a slight of regret.

Now, time has passed. I'm no longer attached to all those have-tos. The baton had been passed to someone far greater than I was. I have faith in him (^_^) Hence, I am rest assured and can really enjoy my normal 'student' life now (even though I'll be graduating a few weeks from now :p). It's just as great as last year, but whole lot lighter. No exams, no girlfriend and no one is expecting anything from me.

I'm not a student anymore. But it just feels sooo good to act like an average student. As light as a feather, I feel like floating whereever I go, and in whatever I do. I'm going home more often. I don't have to think as much about other people, for other people. I can act stupid, like a know-nothing brat. Not that many people know me now. And I'm not treated like a somebody anymore. I'm the same as everyone else yeyy! I wear what I feel like wearing. Hey, I wear jeans and t-shirt to functions, and wait for the free food after the programmes, like any other students! I don't have to give speeches! Lalalalalaaa~ No more dealing with VIPs or having to enjoy refreshments with them instead of with my friends! Most importantly, I HAVE MORE TIME FOR MYSELF! Huahaha~ carefree~ life is indeed great, and it's getting even better everyday! (^_^)V

undeserving

My thesis is less than 20% complete while most of my friends already submitted their drafts to respective supervisors. Who am I kidding? So help me God~ Err..but God doesn't help the people who's not putting any effort! I don't think I'm on his list-to-be-helped yet. Ok, then. God, please enlighten me a little so that I would put my best effort! Somehow I feel a lil better now(^_^) Chayo chayo lutfi!

Ok, putting my thesis issue aside, I'd like to talk about something else!

My sister once told me that she didn't deserve a brother like me. And I said to her How do you know if anybody deserves anything? How do you justify that? And how do you know I don't deserve a sister like you? We don't know all that, but I'm here, so accept and enjoy.

Yeah, I was the one saying that, but now I'm having the same problem. People are being nice to me lately. Too nice and kind that I felt undeserving. Zali suddenly bought me a BigMac a few days ago. Nyum2! An acquaintance bought me those nice karipap peramu that I really love. An old companion gave me a Hush Puppies shirt! Lovely! (^_^). A friend just gave me home made Tom Yam for dinner tonite, damn delicious I wanna cry~. Not to mention all those birthday presents I received previously from my closest friends. My sis has been giving me too many stuffs, I lost count :p

Is it karma or is it sorta like good things that happen before something bad takes place? Well, it couldn't be karma. Ask anyone (but my sis), they'd say I am everything, except kind. Someone has been telling me that I'm a pain in the ass, and that I'm also cruel and stingy. I agree :p Plus, at this moment, being kind would bring troubles. My wish needs me to be cruel :)

All in all, if it isn't karma...Then, something really bad may happen to me after this. I better be prepared (^_^)


P/s: if you wanna give a comment, make me look as bad as possible ;)

minit-minit terakhir

My final year project presentation went ok last Friday :) I was a bit (actually, very) sleepy that morning , though. I had to pull an all-nighter preparing the presentation slides. Yep, no sleep~ Now, now, don't mistakenly think that I'm a hardworking student. I just had to stay up all night coz I started preparing the slides just that Thursday morning. Haha, the funny thing is, I only managed to complete a single slide all day long.

When I have a personal academic thing to do like exams, presentations, quizzes and so on, I tend to be doing something else, unnecessary things, wasting my times etc. Such as?...chatting with friends, munching some snacks, 'lepak-lepak', 'jalan-jalan', reading manga, watch a movie, sorting files on my computer, looking at old pictures, listening to songs, anything. As long as my mind says 'i still have time~', the progress would be near 0%. Or it really is 0%...?

SO, I ended up really concentrating on doing my slides at midnight! Was it at 12am? No, no, choosing the slide design took me another hour, if not more, huhu. There were a couple of mistakes in the slides, but having it done in one night, I'm more than satisfied. The marks I got didn't matter (^_^)

Yes, I admit, I'm a lazy bum :p But somehow, i think the intense pressure just excites me. It's like all sorts of hormones (except estrogen :p) are pumping out at the time. It's like taking drugs, making me high or something :p And all the neurons in the brain are charging each other up. It's stimulating, I think my brain works better under pressure. I have better focus, better creative ideas.

*sigh* I couldn't even comprehend myself. Why can't I just do my works earlier like everyone else? Why do I like to procrastinate? Why do I like to waste my time, especially at critical times like that?! Always doing things at the very last minute. It's obviously insane~ Not to mention risky! I have to change somehow, or I may end up having a heart attack~ God forbid!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion,

My ex-future wife (yes,that's how serious I was), I wished her birthday, though it's a bit late. I'd like us to continue as friends, but I don't think she's up for it. We agreed to be friends a couple of times before, and then we spoilt it again and again, arguing. The shattered pieces of trust can never be found again, I guess.

Wishlist 2008

Resolution seems too concrete. Not doing it would give me a guilty feeling. So, I consider them as wishes :) Another thing is, my head is all filled up with my final year project labworks, presentation and thesis writing. Therefore, I only manage to think of these for now~

1. I hope I can stay single and available
2. I wanna exercise more often.
3. I wanna have loads more fun!
4. I don't wanna miss the time for Subuh prayer anymore and I'll try not to sleep after subuh
5. By the end of 2008, I'll have at least RM5000 in my account.
6. I wanna buy a bicycle, or maybe I should just repair the old one :p
7. Try to recite al-Quran at least 2 pages daily.
8. I want to go to Merapoh and meet Iqah, Wanie and Kira. Oh, I miss them tenderly~
9. I want to visit my foster family at Sabak Bernam.
10. At least confirm my place at a foreign University.
11. I wanna read more books (novels not included~)
12. I wanna visit a foreign Asian country.
13. Ice skating, paintball, go-kart, white water rafting...what else??
14. Wanna buy something special for ma & my kak long (if i got my paycheck lah~). Hmm..what would it be...
15. I wanna master things at the lab, like everything is at my fingertip.
16. I wanna learn using adobe photoshop and flash and anything alike.
17. Should I buy a new handphone? Hmm...dunno yet~

Alone

Being alone isn't all that dreadful. I think I kinda enjoy the loneliness. It's quiet. I'm free, independent. I can do whatever I want, when I feel like doing it. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy being with my family and friends. I am absolutely happy spending time with them, feels good everytime they talk to me, relief for every smile they gave to me, glad for all the arguments we had. But there were times, and there will always be times, when they were not around, and there i was, left alone. I'm enjoying it nevertheless.

Usually when I saw people eating alone, I pity them, thinking that they have no family and friends. It didn't occur to me that he (or she) was having his peaceful moment, sipping his cup of coffee. I feel guilty for ever having those thoughts.

Alone in my room, alone at the cafe, alone in the car, alone in the lab. Eating alone, walking alone, driving alone, working alone, studying alone, sleeping alone, watching movies alone, having fun by myself. They are not all that bad. It could be as enjoyable as doing it with your friends. But you can't view or judge it from the same perspective. Ice cream and pudding. They are different, but both are yummy, aren't they?

To me, being alone isn't loneliness. Even when i'm all alone, I have em all in my heart, my family, my friends. So, basically I'm not really by myself, and I don't actually feel lonely at all. What exactly is it, then? My sister gave a nice phrase for it. It's called having my own sweet moments :)

For many reasons, I'm looking forward to do my masters degree abroad, preferably in europe. One of them is to have lots of my own sweet moments! Living independently, trying to view life from my own personal perspective. Taking care of myself, by my own two hands. Making decisions, and execute them by myself. Grab my keys and take a walk whenever I feel like it. I could just sit down in a cafe, sipping my cup of coffee, reading my newspaper, and care about nothing else but me and my coffee. My own sweet moments :)

Recently

Wah~ it's so good to be free! No longer being a public figure, I can do what I want, wear what I want, and care less about other things but myself!

I'm still struggling with my Final Year Project (FYP). But I don't hate being in the lab :)

I feel sleepy and tired earlier at night. But i'm still staying up late. Why oh why~

I dine out a lot recently and my money is depleting~ but I'm eating good food with good friends :)

I had a nice long breakfast with my sis :)

I applied for lab demonstrator, but that won't happen till I finish my FYP and pay up all my pending compounds~ stupid UIA~ (for giving stupid compounds)

I recently started gathering ideas for my dream house (^_^)

Me and Zali discovered an incredibly nice hot karipap in Kuantan (specifically at Peramu, go grab it guys!) And we love the satar at Peramu too~ nyum nyum~

I went 'jalan-jalan' to Pekan last weekend, the so-called 'Bandar Diraja'. Err, Royal City? Royal Town? Heck, I don't know. Anyway, listen to my advice, don't bother to go there~

My room and my desk are still as they have always been. Hmm...I won't say they're in a mess. Just a bit untidy :p

The room has 4 compartments and we have our own lamps. I always stay up late, most of the times till 2am. And Pojan (my roomate) is starting to get on my nerve by asking me to turn off MY light every night. For God's sake, go buy one of those eye patches or blindfold your damn eyes! I'm using MY computer and I need MY light! (sori pojan :p)

I always missed the time for Subuh prayer. Gotta find a way to fix that! An alarm clock? Huh, my handphone just doesn't cut it~ Gotta instil the determination to wake up every night before I sleep! Or should I just sleep earlier? (Oh it's so difficult to go to bed early~)

I've been listening a lot to Daughtry (Over You), Colbie Caillat (Bubbly), Plain White T's (Hey There Delilah), Letto (Sebelum Cahaya), Fool's Garden (Lemon Tree, acoustic version), Aqualung (Strange & Beautiful).

New manga i've read are MxO and Kekkaishi. Highly recommended!

Movies I've watched recently are Enchanted, Stardust, Stranger Than Fiction, Smokin' Aces, Because I said so, City of God, My Wife is 18 and Wicker Park (for the 2nd time).

When I go online, I would be browsing my blog, my friends' blogs. I'd be checking my Friendster account and also my e-mails. I have 3 e-mail accounts - gmail, yahoo mail and hotmail. Oh one more, I'll be reading One Piece on MSN group.

It rains everyday recently, and I'm loving it! But...i don't think my nose would agree with me. i have resdung (something close to sinusitis). So, I tend to get runny nose, or sometimes my nostrils just got blocked with God-knows-what and I couldn't breathe through em!

It's been pretty cold due to the rain. I'm wearing my beloved sweater almost everyday. Najihah gave it to me as my birthday present last year. It warms up my body, as well as my heart :)

Kak N (my elder sis) bought a Ball Phyton as her new pet! Not cheap. RM400 wooo~ She wanna buy one for me as my birthday present but I don't really have the commitment to take care of it. So I said no :p

My FYP supervisor is going to further his study (PhD) in UK, so we held a farewell BBQ party for him. Guess what we wrote on the cake... - "BOLEH BLAH!"

The farther I want to be, the closer I get. And resisting is one thing I'm not good at. Still, resisting and denying I am. I'm restraining myself from falling in love~ So help me God.

Birthday presents from my sister

I got another wristwatch from my Kak Long! I'm still trying to get used to having a watch. Err, two watches, actually :p I'm still asking my friends the time even though i'm wearing a watch. Silly lutfi~

Anyway, I got pretty unusual gifts this year. Things that I least expected. Least expected? No, no, no...I would have never expected anything as such, especially from my sister. Not Najihah, but another one, who I always adore as much.

Since she went to Germany for a week before that, I only wished that she would come back home safely. I wanted nothing more. Simply her, alive, safe, and happy. Yet, she gave me great gifts a week after, nothing anyone of you readers could ever think of.

First of all, she gave me a beautiful bouquet of fresh roses and daisies! Red and pink roses, orange daisies :p Yeah, it sounds weird coz I'm a guy, a straight guy~ Nevertheless, it was the very first time I ever got flowers as a personal gift. It was a new feeling, and the feeling was indeed beautiful (^_^)



The next day (or was it two days after?), I got a message from her:

You are cordially invited to spend two day and one night at Swiss-Garden Resort & Spa. Invite a friend. Free breakfast for two. Happy birthday, bro! (Well, i don't remember the exact, but it's something like that. ok. Oh, forgetful lutfi~)

My heart stopped a beat. She were never able to surprise me, but she suddenly surprised me twice in one week. Just what on earth did she learn in Germany, I wonder. In shock, I only replied,"What?!!" Haha, my mind just stopped working for a moment. Couldn't think of any good reply~ Maybe it's because the heart missed a beat, so the oxygen transfer to the brain got disrupted :p Darn, I should've asked her,"ARE YOU INSANE?!"

Hell yeah I was damn surprised! And she's totally out of her mind!! (My dear readers,if you agree with me, please raise up your hand). That was one expensive birthday present, dammit! Sorry, harsh words. Extremely happy and at the same time feeling undeserved :p I reminisced back into the past, since the day I vowed to be her brother, trying to figure out which part of me deserved such a present.

I never got any answer, but I knew that she was sincere. I accepted her sincerity and went there with a joyous heart, planning to make it the most memorable birthday present! For me, and for her as well ;) Oh btw, I invited Razali along :)

I went swimming in the pool. I even went to spa! huhu~ It was an amazing two-day vacation! Mainly because my friends and my sister came and enjoyed the moments along with me and zali :) It might have been a bit dull without them. We took lots and lots of pictures! Now, I shall let the pictures speak the words.

Me, my sis, and our friends.
The room was called Junior Suite and how much did it worth?
RM650 per night!
My sis got a special promotion though :p
But it's still expensive!

This is me at the lobby

This band will be performing life at Swiss-Garden tomorrow nite~

Hey, u like my pants? It's soo...err...beachy? huhu. Not bitchy ok~

That's the culprit! She's responsible for this! Haha :p Thanks, dear sis! You're wonderful!

Big breakfast! Worth RM40 for each person! Oh dim sum~

Razali and his spa fever~

Razali was savouring his moments.

What's with this face? Oh, spa!~

Don't tell me this is stupid. I know!

My dear sister (^.^)

One big happy family (^_^)

Two black widows...Careful guys~

Err...two little monkeys? (Huhu. No offence, ann.)

Lotsa fun! Yeyy!

Nostalgic

To the spa~


Samsara Spa

The last picture before we head back home

Thank you, my sister. You've painted lots of beautiful pictures in my memories. Here's to you, Ati. Love you lots!

- Your dorky brother.

November 21st

My life changed a lot since last year. Having a special girlfriend (at that time) made me feel secured. I wasn't afraid anymore. I started to open myself up more and more. Having a high position in the Science Students' Society, that needed me to open myself up whole lot more. Having these two big things in my life, I couldn't contain my true self anymore. So here I am now, 'truly loved' by some, and 'truly loved and slightly hated at the same time' by most :p

22nd November 2007, 5.52pm. I suddenly got a call from a colleague, Kak Sofie.

"Lutfi, the car broke down. The engine won't start. We're at Taman Bandar. Help!"

Well, the call wasn't that short, I even called her back after that, but that's the gist of it :p So Fauzan and I tried to find a 'jumper', u know, a pair of cables used to start a car engine using the battery of another car. We managed to borrow it from a security guard. Haha. I was on the phone with my Kak Long when we reach there, so I just let Fauzan do the work. After I hung up and turned to them..."Happy Birthday!!!" Kak Sofie, Nurul, Ann, Arshana, Mun, Sitot, Isma, and of course, Fauzan. Err..my batch only have 3 guys including me :p I got a brand new watch, an innocent-looking champaigne-colored tie and the yummiest sweetest chocolates! lalalalalaa~ Thank you very very much!! Oh, don't forget that delicious cake! TQ!

Surprised, surprised. I honestly didn't know how to react. I did not sure which feeling should I be feeling. Happy? Touched? Overjoyed? Or perhaps, scared? I honestly did not sure. I was kinda numb for a while. It wasn't that unexpected, but I was dumbfounded nevertheless. I was happy and touched, but i think I was scared as well. Scared of what...? I had no idea.

My birthday is on the 21st of November. My sisters wished me. My mother wished me as well. My bestfriend called me from Germany. I truthfully didn't expect to be celebrated, wished, or even remembered on my birthday other than by my mother and my sisters. To be frank, I actually tried to avoid it. A week before my birthday, I changed my date of birth in my friendster account. I agreed to switch my simcard with my sister who was going to Germany for a week. Razali wished me in the morning of 21st. Luckily he was already on his way to KL, I told him not to tell anyone else. I went to the lab and did my work on my final year project (FYP) like every other day. I tried to talk normally with my friends at the lab, in my heart hoping that they wouldn't remember. I usually asked them the day's date, to label my samples. But that day and the day after, I avoided asking them. I avoided going out with them, thinking that the less they see me, the less chance they will remember my birthday. And they certainly fooled me, acting like it was just another ordinary frustrating day of doing FYP. Haha. I didn't know what was it that I was so afraid of, and why I thought and acted that way. After the day ended, it was a big relief. Thank God they didn't remember!

The 22nd was just like the day before. Only that my FYP co-supervisor called wishing me happy birthday. He asked me whether everyone else knew, and I immediately answered YES, NO NEED TO REMIND THEM. I thought I was already 'safe'. Well, that late afternoon, my friends proved me wrong.

I kept thinking what was it that I was so scared of, why I was afraid for them to remember my birthday. Yes, if they remembered my birthday, then I have to remember theirs, and I'm soo not good in remembering anything~ Yep, If they gave me any present, then I would have to give them something on their birthday too~ Or perhaps, I would pity them if their prank on me didn't work, oh that would be sad~

I finally found my answer. Surprisingly, none of the above really matters.

Funny, I was actually afraid to be loved. I was afraid to know that I am loved by the people around me. I was afraid to realize that I am loved by my friends THAT much. And what truly scared me the most was that I do not know whether I am loving them as much as they love me, and whether I have been treating them as nice as how they treat me. But now I know one thing for sure. They are family. And I absolutely love them as much as they love me, if not more. And each of them has a special place in my heart, always. Thank you Allah for leading me to them. Sofie, Arshana, Azhane, Munirah, Siti Fatimah, Isma, Nurul, and Fauzan, this piece is for u guys. Love y'all so much!

Death

For those who are a bit sensitive, or easily get scared, I warn you, don't read this. Especially Ann, Do not read.

Yes, it is sensitive to some people. Why do people avoid thinking about it? It may happen a hundred years later. It may happen tomorrow. It can even be this second right now while you are reading this line. What is it? It's death. Just so you know, death is inevitable. Oh, you already knew? :p Yepyep, sooner or later, we all gonna die. Now don't say that I'm telling you lies, coz that is one solid fact you can't deny.

Allah saved me so many times. My friends helped me a lot. Sometimes i thought it's weird for me to still be able to breathe this beautiful life. But most of the times, God knows how grateful I am. I have my loved ones, my family and my friends. I hold a few dearly in my heart, wishing that I could meet one of them again when I'm ready :)

When I was in primary school, I played a lot with a chinese friend of mine. One time, we went playing on a small hill. All the trees had been cleared up for construction. And there was this wall of rocks, or should I say, a cliff? (My vocab sucks, forgive me~) It was quite high, and I was just a little boy back then.

"Yun Ming, let's climb to the top!" I said to my friend. Speaking in chinese, of course.

Perhaps he's smarter than me, he refused :p So, I climbed it myself, confidently~ huhu. It was exciting!...at first lah~ after that...haha..just when I'm about to reach the top, I could not find any other rock that I could grab on. I couldn't go further up. I looked down...

Crap, was it this high before?! If I fall down, it's either dead or a few broken bones for sure.. Wait, where's Yun ming? He's not down there! Now where the hell did he go when I need him?! Oh, my mum's gonna be so pissed off if anything happen to me...Hmm...would she be sad if I die right here today? I might be in the newspaper tomorrow..."a boy fall down from a cliff while playing with his friend"...hmm...They might interview Yun Ming...and perhaps my mother too...I could imagine her crying...

I still couldn't move an inch. God, I was scared, I really was. The warm sweat started to feel cold. My palms was getting sweaty too. I couldn't hold much longer. God, please help me. Please help me, God. Then suddenly, I saw a hand! I looked up. Yun Ming! I've never been so glad to see him :p He grabbed my hand and pulled me up to safe. Haha, actually he took another totally 100% safe path to go up there, unlike stupid little lutfi.

Throughout nearly 23 years of my life, I had faced several dangerous situation. Hoho. The world is such a dangerous place. So many incidents with my bicycle. Motorcycle accident, once. Haha, that one was scary. A little faster then i might get drug under a truck. There were two incidents in which another inch might have caused me to go blind. Oh, the bus accident was a wonderful experience :) Just several weeks ago I was sooo close to get struck by lightning that I could hear the sound of electrical charges ripping the air at my right ear. A friend of mine walking on my left side already "jatuh terduduk", flabbergasted, shocked by what he just saw. Nevertheless, everytime I managed to get through those situations, it made me feel more alive. It made me remember Him. I like to do crazy stuffs too. I'm not afraid of a few cuts and bruises. But don't worry, I would never do anything reckless. Never ever. I do take risks, but nothing more than I can take ;)

I was lucky for countless times. Alhamdulillah. I do think about death sometimes, especially when I was in a life-threatening situation, and it actually made feel calm. Nauzubillah, I don't want anything bad that would end my beautiful life. But when my time really comes, be it 100 years later, be it tomorrow, be it now, I hope I can accept my fate. I hope I won't have any regret. I hope I won't regret on things that I haven't accomplished. What I hope the most is for my friends and families, for them to keep on living their beautiful lives. I hope they won't have any regrets or grudges on me. Like how they keep me in their hearts, let the unspoken words buried in their hearts too. Coz what done is done. what gone is gone. There'll be no turning back of time.

-Dying is the hardest part of living- Lutfi, November 5th, 2007

a layman's view on Islam : Akhlaq

Akhlaq in a layman's term would be moral conduct.

As far as I know, the Prophet (peace be upon him) was 'sent down' to improve our akhlaq. How?

With Islam :)

For a layman like me, it's very simple. Be good, be sincere, be kind, be very kind, be thoughtful, be generous, be tolerant, be modest, be patient, be clean, be acceptable, be responsible, be pleasant, be nice, be friendly, be lovable, respect others and so on so forth. Even a small ant need to be respected, as long as it doesn't disturb us. That to me, is what akhlaq is about.

You never missed your congregational solah, you even pray additional solah, you always wear robe, looking like a pious muslim, you fast in Ramadhan, you recite Quranic verses with beautiful voice, u performed Hajj (pilgrimage), BUT, you drive your car dangerously, you litter, you neglect your responsibilties, you torture a mosquito, you look down on others, you never smile, you act annoyingly, you act selfishly, you think only for your own good! Now where is the akhlaq nurtured through your ibadah?

This world wasn't made for you alone. There are other humans, there are other creatures. If you're only focusing on your direct ibadah towards Allah (solah, fasting, reciting Quran etc.), how islamic do you think you are when you ignore everything else, and everyone else around you are HATING you?

Ibadah supposed to nurture good akhlaq. But some muslims are too focus on ibadah that they forgot to be kind, give a smile to others or lend a helping hand. Being a pious muslim and a successful person, he/she looks down on laymen. And so i ask, where is the beautiful of Islam in the eyes of a layman? Seeing us like that, with a bad akhlaq, would the non-muslims be interested to embrace Islam?

Islam is moderate. Therefore, perform your ibadah, and at the same time, be good, be sincere, be kind, be very kind, be thoughtful, be generous, be tolerant, be modest, be patient, be clean, be acceptable, be responsible, be pleasant, be nice, be friendly, be lovable, respect others and so on so forth.

Be a wonderful muslim, for yourself, and to the people around you. (^_^)

a layman's view on Islam : Ibadah

Ibadah in a layman's term would be acts of worship towards Allah s.w.t. It can be divided into two, I don't know about the actual terms in english, but let me just call them 'special' and 'general'.

Special ibadah are the direct act of worships towards Allah and with proper guidelines on how to go about it. They are also obligatory. For example, solah (pray), fasting, performing hajj (pilgrimage) and paying zakah.

General ibadah are anything that we do, for good cause, through a good process, because of Allah s.w.t. With the right intention, sleeping could also be an ibadah :)

Some muslims felt burden with ibadah. It's true that as muslims, we have to perform solah 5 times a day and fasting in Ramadhan and so on. But it's not difficult at all. Ibadah in Islam is actually very simple! Most of the difficult things are in fact added by cultures, and by fanatic muslims, thinking that by adding this and that, adding new regulations will make ibadah better and Allah will love them more. Huh~

Nevertheless, it is wrong to do so. Hence, in order to know what is right, and what is wrong, it is best to refer to knowledgable muslims (ulama') who essentially refer to al-Quran and hadith, and have proofs (a.k.a 'dalil' - Quranic verses or hadith) for it. Performing ibadah simply based on traditions have to stop. We must seek for true knowledge!

I was born in a muslim family, and my parents were born in a muslim family. So were my grandparents. What I'm trying to say is, I was taught about Islam by traditions. Even at school, I was only taught about what ibadah must I do and they did give me the proofs. Then they taught me how to do it, the steps in doing those ibadah. But the thing is, they never gave me the proofs of doing those steps. Are those steps, the right steps, the same as what the prophet and his companions did 1400+ years ago? That is the main question!

For example, in Subuh (dawn) prayer, is 'qunut' recitation is compulsory? sunnah? Or is it another addition? Find your own answer :) Then, wiping your face after solah (after salam) is actually an addition. Another one, yes, we have to have the intention (niah/niat) of performing ibadah, but we don't really have to read it out word by word in ARABIC! The intention can simply be in our heart/mind and it can be in whatever language we are familiar with!

Another example is fasting. Fasting is not as difficult as it seems. We just have to restrain ourselves from eating, drinking, and having sexual intercourse (for married couples), only from dawn to dusk (Subuh till Maghrib). That's it. Going scuba diving, dripping eye-mo in your eyes, picking your nose etc. do not make your fasting void. Other thing that voids your fast is having a period (female only), and another one is....nifas (bleeding after giving birth. I dunno the exact word in english :p)

Why are we Malay muslims like to make things harder for the mualaf (people who newly embraces Islam)? Things are sooo easy, yet we make it difficult, and exclusive. Islam is for all, not just for Malays or Arabs. Cheongsam (a type of chinese attire) is not Islamic? Says who?!! How islamic is 'Baju Melayu'?!

Mentioned above are only a few examples. There are lots of other misinterpretations in ibadah and in Islam. The reason that makes ibadah difficult is ourselves. We never tried to seek for knowledge, we simply accepted what have been passed down to us by our traditions, by our ancestors. Therefore, seek for knowledge, true knowledge. BUT, DON'T GO ASTRAY!

Why don't we treat the non-muslims nicer? Why at some places the non-muslims aren't allowed to enter the mosque? How are they going to get closer to Islam? Are we looking down at them just because they're not muslims? Are we that high above them? For God's sake, we are humans and so are they. With all the misunderstandings, misconceptions and misinterpretations, not only the non-muslims will be driven away, even the young muslims may drift further from Islam.

A layman's view on Islam 2

People are afraid of Islam because it is known as a religion with lots of NOs, CANNOTs, DON'Ts and SHOULDN'Ts and so on. Actually, things are not that complicated lah~ Islam only prohibited bad things and the sources that will lead to bad things, such as alcohols, drugs, gamblings, adulteries etc. Think. How many problems and issues have we heard, that are caused by those things?

To me, Islam is the simplest yet the most concise religion. It's logical and rational, in line with scientific facts. It is complete and comprehensive in its simplicity :) Do good deeds and avoid bad actions, it's that simple. In fact, that's what we need to make this world a better place! Kan? Kan?

Even the muslims themselves are afraid of many things in Islam. But the truth is, they feel so because they do not understand how simple Islam is. Some are too attached with traditions rather than the true islamic practices. Tradition is one of the things that taints Islam. it's the tradition that adds up many NOs, CANNOTs, DON'Ts and SHOULDN'Ts and so on. So please, let's all refer back to al-Quran and as-sunnah. Seek for the true knowledge of Islam.

Allah will never burden us beyond our capacity. Everything we are asked to do are all within our capability, and they are all rational. In fact, He simplified things for us and provided us with the best solutions that will make our lives easier and better. Even the solah (prayer) can be combined and shortened during travelling ;) When you yourself think that something in Islam cannot be comprehended by your logical mind, please go and find out about it. Do not simply follow blindly. But be careful, some ulama' or pious-looking muslims are Islam by traditions. They'll only tell you what their father or grandfather told them previously, which might be tainted by traditions. Therefore, ask for proofs, ask for quranic verses, ask for hadith, ask for logical reasons, then recheck whether the proofs given are true and authentic (sahih).

In Islam, we are not blamed for our mistakes that are done unpurposely, for things that we forgot, and for the things that we are forced to do by other people. We are not blamed for the things that we do not know of. But of course, we must avoid ambiguous things. And if there are confusions on what's the right thing to do in an islamic situation, we are asked to choose the less burdening solution. We are asked to be moderate and balanced.

Someone told me before, religion is like driving a car. Islam is a good car, the best car. Then, there's also rules and regulations, traffic lights, guidelines when you're on the road. Like many other things, even soccer, Islam is tainted by fanatics, by hypocrites, by rabid 'blind' followers, and also by people who think that they are soooo above others. Hence, you really can't blame the car if the driver himself is a reckless moron!

So, drive your BMW 7 series or Jaguar XKR or whatever, follow the road signs, respect other drivers, smile to them, drive to your destination safely. May Allah bless us all (^_^)v

A layman's view on Islam

Don't be mistaken, i am not a member of any Christian church. I am a Muslim. My religion is Islam. And yes, I'm loving it. What I mean by 'layman' is that I am a Muslim with a below-average knowledge regarding Islam.

Regardless of my lack of knowledge, I am looking at something beautiful.

Perhaps, the term 'layman' is not suitable to represent myself, because 'layman' technically means average, and my knowledge on Islam is actually considered as below average. But i'm using it anyway. I'll be writing a few entries about my simple views on Islam, perhaps without any proof (dalil/nas/quranic verses/hadith) to back my words up, because I don't memorize many verses of al-Quran, I rarely read tafsir, I don't memorize many hadith, i don't study much on usul fiqh. That's why this is a layman's view. Nevertheless, please, do correct me if I am wrong, for I am but a learner.

I am learning every minute, every hour and every day. It feels like waiting, looking at a blooming bakawali flower. It's a type of flower that I have at my house. With green bud at early stage, budding out of a big, ugly green leaf, it slowly grows...yellowish...white...growing bit by bit within several days, and finally fully blooms at midnight. Fully blooms into a big white flower, with bright, pure-looking petals. Simply beautiful. That, is how I would describe my journey in discovering Islam.

Lutfi Yang bermata kecik dan merah

In the last entry, I mentioned about having messages for everyone. On second thought, I don't feel like writing about it. Ini bukan blog jiwang. You guys live and experience your life on your own, and decide later what's best for you and your very own self. As for me, I've already made my own decision for this borrowed-life that i'm living :)

Ok, back to the normal life~ I got conjunctivitis last friday. Am I spelling it right? Huhu, never bothered to search for it :p I'm not sure whether it is caused by bacteria or virus. Simply said, it's a disease that attack your eyes and makes it red, of course, with a little pain. Hoho yeah, sore and bloody red eyes. Makes you weep unstoppably. Hey,the women love to cry, why doesn't it attack only them? (no hard feeling, girls :p)

Lalalalalaa~ I went to see a doc at Terengganu. She told me to stay at home for a week, afraid that other students would be infected. But I came back to UIA the day after (lalalalalaa~). She gave me chloramphenicol eye-drop and erythromycines pills, an eye-mo and some 'gatal' pills (itch-relieving pills). Darn. I hate medicine. Even more, I hate the instructions of how and when I should be taking them. How many times per day. How many tablets each time. Before makan or after makan. Oh, I haven't makan yet so I can't swallow those pills. Then after makan, i forgot everything~

The eye-drop, i had to drip it in my eyes 4 times per day, 2-3 drops each. Being an organized person (haha), I just had to calculate this carefully :p After a deep thinking...Oh, I got it...I must divide 24 hours by 4 times! After a complicated calculation, yes I finally got the answer, it's 6-hour interval! Yeyy, I'm a genius! Hence I decided, every 12 O'clock and every 6 o'clock every day and night! But after 2 days, oh the heck with the intervals. Ikut suka hati je letak lalalalalalaaa~

A piece of advice, if your eyes got infected, don't rub em, just relax. Don't strain your eyes. And if you think by washing your eyes you could wash away the virus/bacteria, just imagine those virus/bacteria are laughing at you with their hands showing the 'L' sign. If you do all those things, all you'll get is more pain, and perhaps internal bleeding in your eyes. So for God's sake, just go see the doctors ASAP!

she : epilogue

Not too long ago, a friend said to me,"The first love is always the sweetest, true?"

Then he added,"But it usually doesn't work, does it?" Followed by a question,"Why?"

I thought for a second, then I answered,"First love usually blooms when we're still young. Perhaps we're not mature enough to recognize it, to handle it, to understand it."

*****************************************

I've metaphorically written about the journey of my first love. 5 episodes of it. Yes, of course, it's embarrassing. I have several reasons. And I don't mind being looked down, criticized, hated, laughed or whatever. After all, i am a mere human.

The first reason. Hoho. i won't restate the very main reason of me writing this blog. Nyeh nyeh :p If you want to know, you can read the very first entry of this blog. But I know you won't bother, so just forget about the first reason, k! ;)

Secondly, those episodes and this blog itself are for myself. I want myself to understand better of what i've been through. May it be a good reminder for myself. This blog, it is my life journal, it is my insight, it is part of my memories, it exists because i'm exist (with God's will of course).

Thirdly, I want her to understand how I really feel, and how I really felt about her. Since she never really listened to what i've been saying to her for one whole year and a month. I thought, perhaps, I could convey my feelings through writings, as a third person. But I guess she just hates me even more. Silly me. Haha. Silly me..

The fourth reason, is for my friends. It's always good to let them know, to let them know that i'm fine.

There is another reason, the fifth reason. I have messages for all of you - all the readers. But that would be in the next entry :p I'm so sleepy right now~~

she : episode 5

We walked and walked. A short walk, but it felt so long, and so lonely.

It was difficult. Her hands kept slipping from mine. Her repetitive questions of inconfidence kept on flowing out from her mouth. I told her this,"Grab my hand tight." But she never did. Oh God, what should I do?

Until one time,the 3rd of March 2007. We got really lost. At a turn even I do not know of. It wasn't even our path. There, she said to me,"Let go of my hand. Go for other girl."

And the trust i rebuilt out of the broken pieces, this time, shattered irreparably.

Tired. Drained. Exhausted. Simply, numb. I just couldn't feel her anymore. So I answered like I always did,"Yes, dear."